Catweazle Episode 22 - THE GHOST HUNTERS ( SCENE BY SCENE)

[michaellevenson]

Cedric and Catweazle are in Duck Halt, the disused railway station that is home to Catweazle. Cedric is teaching him to read, he is standing by a blackboard on which he has written all the letters of the alphabet.
Cd ( points with stick) " A"
C " A for Adamcos"
Cd " B"
C " B...er.."
Cd " B for banana "
C " nay Owlface b is for honey "
Cd " I don't think you've quite got the right idea....C...C..come on you should get this one"
C " ah...C for Catweazle "
Gary Warren is Cedric.

 

[michaellevenson]

Lord and Lady Collingford are in the bathroom at King's Farthing, their ancestral home, Lord Collingford, Charles is shaving but Dotty is worried about...
LyC " and sometimes I hear a strange noise"
LC " what sort of noise Dotty"
LyC " sort of hissing noise....ttss.....ttss.."
She's obviously heard Catweazle on one of his walkabouts in King's Farthing.

Meanwhile back in Duck Halt.
Cd " D"
C " demons"
Cd " E"
C " electrickery "
Cd " F"
C ( points to Touchwood his toad) " Familiar"

Meanwhile,
LC " that's the central heating, been like that for years"
LyC " no it's not the central heating. I thought at first it was my imagination, but it's more serious than that I know it is"
LC " Dotty darling what are you talking about"
LyC " I don't know how to tell you this but someone's coming to stay"
L " who?"
LyC " Hector Kenley "
L " who?!"
LyC " the Pike's have had him, and last year he did Slope Castle. He found four there apparently "
LC ( humouring) " oh really....four what?"
LyC " ghosts!"
Moray Watson and Elspet Gray are the Collingfords.

 

[michaellevenson]

Lesson time over at Duck Halt,
Cd " Z"
C " zodiac "
Cd " great you got them all right "
Catweazle pleased with himself laughs, Cedric opens the pages of a children's Ladybird reading book.

Cd " I am a little dog"
C " art thou Owlface?"
Cd " no..that's what is says here...see...I am a little dog"
C ( shakes head) " nay, I will never read thy magic "
Cd " course you will, you're just a late starter"
C " first I must find the 12 signs of the zodiac so that I may fly. Sagittarius the sign of the bowman, where shall I find him?"
Cd " how should I know, it's just a waste of time"
C " flying by magic a waste of time!? Trouble me not thy buzzing gnat"
Cd ( raised voice) " trouble you not, I like that, what about all the trouble I've gone to for you. The jams I've got you out of"
C " huh?"
Cd " difficulties I mean, you get everything handed to you on a plate, and a fat lot of thanks I get"
C ( puzzled) " fat thanks on a plate?"
Cd " oh you know what I mean. You've never done anything for me. What about the treasure?"
Catweazle picks up his magic book in a bit of a huff, ignores Cedric.
Cd " you said there was masses in that book about lost treasure, you have never offered to help have you?"
C " go away thy itching earwig "
Cd " alright I will, bet you can't find it, bet you get the spell wrong. ( shouts) That's it isn't it, too difficult for you. Don't expect me to help you anymore, I've wasted enough of my holiday as it is. I'll find the treasure myself "
Cedric storms out, Catweazle offended that his magician's credentials questioned.
C " thy chattering chaffinch, thy four eyed ferret, no spell shall daunt Catweazle "
Thumbing through book he comes to correct page.
C " ah..treasure, ( reading)..if thou should seek out gold, search not for it by day, for gold is the metal of the sun. Therefore do thy magic in the dark"
Geoffrey Bayldon is Catweazle.

 

[michaellevenson]

Dusk is falling, at King's Farthing Charles, Dotty, and Cedric are in the hall as Hector Kenley paces the room, humming.
Cd " but we haven't got any ghosts "
LyC " that's what Mr Kenley is here to find out"
K " mmmmmm.......oh yes definitely vibrations"
LyC ( to Charles) " I told you so "
K " Hackforth, the tuning fork please "
Kenley's assistant Hackforth provides the fork. Kenley goes over to a wall, bangs fork on wall and listens intently as does Hackforth.
K" oh yes...definitely "
H " I agree Hector "
K" have you any idea who it might be Lady Collingford ?"
LyC " oh yes..Lord Alfred"
LC " my great grandfather, why would he come and haunt us?"
LyC " because of the treasure "
Kenley's ears prick up, a smile across his face.
K " treasure?!"
LyC " yes, he's supposed to have hidden it in the house, maybe he wants to tell us where it is "
Kenley and Hackforth look at each other knowingly, as if to say, this is going to be an interesting job.
Dudley Foster and David Cook are Kenley and Hackforth.

 

[michaellevenson]

At Duck Halt Catweazle is sitting by a brazier, fire roaring, he pleads with the spirits.
C " Algaram, Tetragram, O spirits I charge thee, lead me to the treasure "

Kenley back in King's Farthing is on his knees, having just laid a trip wire across an upstairs corridor, about 6 inches off the ground. Lord Collingford in his dressing gown looks puzzled at it.
LC " won't someone trip over this wire?"
K " not if they're a ghost "
LC " then why put it there?"
K " erm...just leave it to us Lord Collingford we know what we're doing "
Hackforth comes along corridor and promptly trips over wire, falling flat on his face.
LC ( trying not to laugh) " oh well..goodnight"
H " sorry Hector "
K " where have you been?"
H " sprinkling the doorknobs with talcum powder "
K " but you've been hours"
H " there's 184 doorknobs. Hector, why do I do it?"
K " what?"
H " sprinkle the doorknobs with talcum powder?"
K " no idea, looks impressive though "
H( standing) " do you think we'll be here long?"
K " we might be able to stretch it out till we get to Smallwood Towers, that'll take us up to Christmas "
Oh....they're not genuine!

 

[michaellevenson]

Cedric in his dressing gown says goodnight to Dotty.
LyC " goodnight darling "
Cd " goodnight mother "
LyC " don't forget to put the top on the toothpaste "
Cd " I won't "
Dotty goes into the bedroom, located next to bathroom, Cedric enters bathroom.
Dotty gets into bed,
LyC " I do hope it's going to be alright "
LC " course it is Dotty darling, now let's get some sleep "

Cedric is at the airing cupboard in the bathroom and pulls out a white sheet, he's going to have a bit of fun tonight.

Hackforth is reeling out a cable along one of the upstairs corridors , the other end leads to a speaker hidden behind a pillar, when Kenley turns up.
K " tuck it under the carpet you fool, we don't want anyone finding that speaker "
H " yes Hector "
K " right, everything is rigged up I think I'll turn in"
Kenley opens door of bedroom and crashes onto floor.
K " Hackforth you idiot, why put a trip wire outside our door, who's going to trip over that "
H " erm....sorry Hector "

 

[michaellevenson]

Cedric leaves bathroom with a sheet over his head, meanwhile Catweazle has found an open window and climbs in, and straight into a chair in the darkness, knocking a book resting on the arm of the chair onto the floor.
Cedric hears this and runs to top of stairs and looks down at Catweazle as he comes into hall.
Cd " Catweazle?"
C " ssshh"
Cedric runs downstairs,
Cd " what are you doing here?"
C " I have come to find thy treasure "
Cd " not now!"
C " why art thou dressed like that?"
Cd " I'm a ghost "
Catweazle gives him a playful slap,
C " bah..thou art no ghost "
Cd " I'm playing a joke on the ghost hunters. They're here tonight hunting real ghosts "

Catweazle all excited,
C " real ghosts...where?"
Cd " ah...thought that would make you think....all over the house"
C " wondrous wondrous "
Cd " what?"
C " ghosts know where gold is hid, did thou not know, they will lead me to the treasure "
Cd " it's no good Catweazle they're aren't really any ghosts in King's Farthing "
C " no?"
Cd " sorry..no..you better go back to Duck Halt....come on ...and ssshh"

Kenley in his bedroom, lying on the bed sipping wine, Hackforth standing by a tape machine.
K " let's start shall we"
Hackforth presses a button on tape player, a loud deep male moan is heard .
Outside in corridor Cedric and Catweazle jump in surprise.
C " a ghost !"
Cd " crumbs!"

 

[michaellevenson]

Catweazle wants to stay now, to find the ghosts, he and Cedric creep upstairs.
In the ghost hunters' room.
K " better give them another moan"
Hackforth obliges, another ghostly moan is heard together now with clanking chains, and then a scream echoing through the house. Catweazle lets out a little yelp.
K " was that you Hackforth?"
H " no Hector "
Kenley gets off the bed places his wine glass down, looking a bit worried.
K " that last scream definitely wasn't one of ours"

Dotty has woken up looking worried.
In corridor,
Cd " I suppose you know what you're doing?"
C " salmy dalmy adonay "
In Kenley's room,
K " what was that?"
H " it sounded like, Sunday all day agony"
K " yes it did didn't it...come on"
They open door and walk out, falling over trip wire, flat on their faces. Cedric pokes head around corner and smiles, the wire his doing.
Meanwhile,
LyC " Charles wake up"
LC" what's up"
LyC " I heard a crashing noise"
LC " it's probably Kenley or that other lunatic "
LyC " he might have hurt himself "
LC " I hope he's broken his neck!"
LyC " oh Charles...do go and see..please "
Charles gets out of bed, not in the best of moods.
LC " oh alright "

 

[michaellevenson]

Kenley gets to his feet rubbing a sore knee.
H " you don't actually think there could be a ghost Hector "
K " course not....pull yourself together man"

Cedric and Catweazle creep away along corridor, Catweazle has to quickly hide behind pillar as Charles turns up.
LC " was that you Cedric?"
Cd " ...er yes"
LC " well get to bed"
Charles returns to bedroom,
LyC " well what was it?"
LC " Cedric tripping over one of those wires. Now for heavens sake let's get some sleep "

 

[michaellevenson]

Cedric and Catweazle lurking in the darkness,
Cd " can't we forget about the treasure Catweazle, I'm sorry I mentioned it now"
C " trouble not Owlface I will find it for thee"
Catweazle sets off Cedric following ,
C " yessss...yessssss..they are near "
Dotty again turns light on,
LyC " Charles did you hear that? A hissing noise....tttsss..ttss.."
LC ( rapidly losing temper) " Dotty it's gone two in the morning "
LyC" I'm locking the door"
Dotty locks door and puts key on bedside table.
Meanwhile,
K" do you know what I think Hackforth, it's that boy trying to make fools of us"
H " do you think so Hector "
K " yes he's probably out there now pretending to be a ghost. Well two can play at that game."
Kenley starts removing the white bed sheets off the bed.
Cedric and Catweazle are outside Kenley's room, suddenly the door opens, they both quickly hide in adjacent room. The ghost hunters come out dressed as ghosts ! They head off in opposite directions.

Cedric peers out of door, they've gone, he puts sheet over his head and enters their room and sits on bed, waiting to pull off his joke. A few minutes pass, the door opens, one of the ghost hunters is back ,it's Kenley, he goes over to a duffle bag and rummages around and pulls out a thermos and sits next to Cedric, who he thinks is Hackforth, but hang on, there's three of them sitting there, Hackforth came in while Kenley was rummaging in bag.

 

[michaellevenson]

K " I thought so boy"
Cedric runs out and shuts door, Kenley in pursuit, he opens door and there framed in door is Catweazle! He quickly slams door shut.
K ( terrified) " you're right there is a ghost "
H " it's mad Lord Alfred "

Dotty reaches for the light on the bedside table,accidentally knocks door key onto floor.
LyC " Charles! Charles!.."
LC " now what?"
LyC " listen"
Catweazle's voice can be heard,
C " spirits I charge thee open to me"

L( getting out of bed) " I've just about had enough of this"
Charles goes to door, it's locked,
LC " Dotty we're locked in!"

 

[michaellevenson]

Catweazle opens door of ghost hunters' room and enters, Kenley looks petrified.
C " salmy dalmy adonay, I bid thee welcome"
H " speak to it Hector "
K ( gibbering) " de....de....de..."
C " where is the gold"
H " he thinks we've found the treasure "
Kenley has composed himself, sort of.
K ( making a cross sign) " depart...depart in peace "
C " fear me not O spirits "
Catweazle arms outstretched moves towards them.

K " AAARRGGHH LET'S GET OUT OF HERE"
Kenley and Hackforth run down corridor passing Cedric,
K " there's a ghost in our room, we'll send His Lordship the bill in the morning "
They scarper, meanwhile Dotty has found the key on the carpet, Charles opens door and runs out yelling,
LC " Kenley what the hell is going on "
Cedric turns to Catweazle,
Cd " Dad's on the warpath get going"
Catweazle runs off, Cedric enters ghost hunter's room and sees tape machine, ghostly moans are still echoing through house. Charles enters,
Cd " Father look"
LC " so much for ghosts"

Charles runs out, Cedric turns off machine.
Catweazle is lost, he's outside the master bedroom, the door opens and he quickly runs into adjacent room, the bathroom. Dotty comes out of bedroom,
LyC " Charles what's happening?"
LC " they're fraudsters, it's all on tape, I'm going after them "
Cd " it's too late you'll never catch them"
LC " we'll see....better check all the doors anyway "
Charles goes off,
LyC " well I'll never believe in ghosts after this , come on Cedric bed, it's all over now"
Cedric goes off to his bedroom. Catweazle meanwhile is in bathroom, he notices on the floor a bathmat with a pattern woven into it,
C " the bowman!"

He picks up mat with an archer pattern designed in the centre of it, but slowly the bathroom door opens.
Catweazle jumps into shower unit, closing frosted glass door as Dotty enters.

 

[michaellevenson]

Dotty at bathroom cabinet mirror, cotton wool ball in her hand, opens cabinet and removes bottle of facial cleansing milk and starts dabbing her face.
Catweazle is trapped, he accidentally leans against shower tap, its a lever tap, he inadvertently pushes it down, the water comes out of shower head all over him.
LyC " oh Charles it's you, you made me jump, are you still angry with me?"
Catweazle desperately tries to stay quiet as he gets drenched, a bottle of shower gel is knocked over, the gel mixes with the water and bubbles fill the enclosed shower unit, Catweazle is panicking...silently.
LyC " I know I was very silly but I really thought I was beginning to see things".
Catweazle can't stay silent any more, he cries out.
LyC " Charles...is that you...."
She nervously opens shower door to see Catweazle up to his neck in foamy water, and of course she faints.


Catweazle runs out , and into Cedric,
Cd " quick hide "
He pushes him behind plant on display around corner of adjacent corridor as Charles runs up.
Cd ( points to bathroom) " in there "
Charles runs in, Cedric grabs Catweazle and takes bathmat off him.
C " the sign of the bowman "
Cd " very well take it....now go !....down there turn left down stairs and out"
Catweazle runs off with mat. Charles is cradling Dotty now recovered on floor of bathroom,
LC " Dotty what happened?"
LyC ( mumbling ) " bubbles....bubbles...ghost.."
LC " funny time of the night to take a shower"

Back at Duck Halt Catweazle sits and shakes his head, turns to his toad,
C " I tell you truly Touchwood, magic rain, rising falling foaming and bubbling. It's a strange world where it rains inside houses, in little patches "
Poor Catweazle, it's all beyond him, but he smiles as he examines his latest acquisition, the bathmat.
C " Sagittarius...another sign"
THE END

Next episode;

Catweazle Episode 23 - THE WALKING TREES (SCENE BY SCENE)

Cedric is on the platform of Duck Halt, the disused railway station that is home to Catweazle. He is about to enter waiting room when he hears shouts from inside. He opens the door ajar and peers in. Catweazle is in a rage, throwing things across the room, kicking stuff around, in a foul temper...

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