Review Not the WHO You Know!

[Doctor Omega]

The

Alternative

Stories

of

Doctor Who



An old team-created thread, rescued from IMDB (So I shall have to give it an editorial polish and fix any defunct links etc.) so please excuse the rough edges at the moment.

But here is the complete work.....




Going story by story, this IS the story of Classic Who, but told differently.

The Titles remain the same.

The running order remains the same.

But the stories themselves are incredibly different.

In fact, you couldn’t make them up!

But please do!

Anybody leaping ahead to Davison et al will have their story banished to yet another dimension; original running order only please!

And yes, that does mean every individual title up to The Savages too!


WITH THANKS TO:


ANT MAC

CULFY

STRAWBERRY SWITCHBLADE

PFERREIRA86

TIMMDOOLEN,

PT86

AARON CAPEN BANNER

MINDBAIT

GAVIN70

And anybody else who might need to look me in the eye and end my life.

 

[Doctor Omega]

 

[Doctor Omega]

AN UNEARTHLY CHILD



Susan Foreman follows her too teachers home one night because she is a deranged stalker.

The police eventually arrest her.

The Doctor has to leave Earth without her, but it's okay because this allows her to have her own spin off series (plural) spanning the sixties, seventies etc, until the most recently announced incarnation: An Unearthly Pensioner.

For the Doctor, travelling solo, the adventures continue...

THE CAVE OF SKULLS

The Doctor runs into a Mister Damien Skulls, who has a cave near the beach in Brighton. He has turned it into an Emporium Arcade, where the Doctor finds himself losing a fortune on the Penny Falls machine.

Enraged, he tells the avericious Mister Skulls what he thinks of him and his moneymaking scams and sets off on his next adventure.

THE FOREST OF FEAR

There's a sabre-toothed cat and a rabbit taking a poo in the forest. The sabre-toothed cat turns to the rabbit and asks: "Excuse me, do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replies: "No, I don't.", so the sabre-toothed cat wipes his arse with the rabbit.

If you want to know why the episode is called THE FOREST OF FEAR, ask the rabbit.

Or Eddie Murphy.

ant-mac

THE FIREMAKER

Yes! It's the episode that answers that age old question... What do you get if you take a can of baked beans, an anus and a box of matches - and put them all together?

Prepare for the explosive conclusion to the very first DOCTOR WHO story!

And as the first Doctor said: "Never trust a fart..."

Or at least he would have said that if he wasn't always so forgetful.

ant-mac

THE DEAD PLANET

The TARDIS and crew land on a planet

It's dead

So they fly off again

(Culfy)

THE SURVIVORS

The Doctor lands in episode 1 of a different Terry Nation series altogether.

He concocts an antidote for the virus and saves the entire Earth.

Unfortunately this means there is no episode two of Survivors and a lot of irate, suddenly out of work actors chase the bewildered Doctor back to the Tardis.

THE ESCAPE

The Doctor lands during the Great Escape of WWII and stops it happening.

Something about the web of time.

Then, when he gets back to the Tardis he realises that it should have happened and decides to blame it on the Meddling Monk.

THE AMBUSH

The Doctor lands in the middle of an episode of the 80's gameshow Interceptor which featured the infamous 'tractor ambush', in which the game's hunter lured a contestant into a trap by pretending to be a local farmer giving her a lift in his tractor to her prize.
(Strawberry Switchblade)

THE EXPEDITION

The Doctor lands at what he thinks is the Blackpool Doctor Who "Expedition", but it is just another fluffed line.

He leaves in shame, having made an exhibition of himself.

THE ORDEAL

The Doctor insists on the TARDIS crew putting together an ad hoc performance of 'war and peace' the doctor constantly forgets his lines and leaves his companions to compensate and carry the show between them

(Mindbait)

THE RESCUE

The Doctor arrives in a future adventure too early and has to tiptoe around himself and avoid Vicky and Koquillion.

THE EDGE OF DESTRUCTION

The TARDIS crew decide to bond by forming a chamber music quartet. Their plans are thwarted when The Edge turns up and destroys their carefully considered arrangements with over processed guitar riffs

(Culfy)

THE BRINK OF DISASTER

A deeply politically incorrect episode that the BBC have since deliberately lost.

The Weeping Angels turn up in Victorian London and Li H'sen Chang relentlessly goes around trying to avert disaster by advising people not to blink, in his own - embarrassing to modern ears - way.

One of the only original episodes not to feature any of the regular cast.

(Fears are that Phillip Morris may have found this one.)

THE ROOF OF THE WORLD

Susan gets an office job in the future in the world's newest tallest skyscraper. So tall infact that it reaches up beyond the stratosphere and has to be airtight sealed. But her dreams of promotion to the top of the company are tainted by her discovery that as a woman she is still held back by the 'glass ceiling' effect.

(Strawberry Switchblade)

THE SINGING SANDS

Grenville Sands is known as the Galaxy's greatest singer of Space Operas.

But he has never met a dancer like Ian Chesterton.

A love affair ensues, with Barbara giving Ian an ultimatum.

FIVE HUNDRED EYES

The episode that was cancelled, because Hartnell struggled to say the word "I".

Incredibly, this has been found, lovingly restored and released on dvd as a poor slideshow.

THE WALL OF LIES

A badly constructed set collapses; almost killing the regular cast.

An inquest reveals that an independent company built the set, insisting that it was going to be much sturdier than the usual BBC ones. This fell somewhat short of the truth.

In a further sad twist, Hartnell remembers his lines, delivering a beautiful soliloquy about the fragility of cosmic life as a time traveller, but no one can hear it as he is beneath two tons of scenery at the time.

RIDER FROM SHANG-TU

A Mister Meredith Rider from the Shang-Tu Loan Company has tracked the Doctor down, insisting that he repay a loan from when he was the Douglas Camfield Doctor.

The Doctor has cunningly changed his appearance back to the Phillip Hinchcliffe incarnation, just to confuse matters even further, but at least he can remember his lines now, having insisted that the Robert Holmes Doctor does a page one rewrite.

Guest starring Alfred Marks as the Rani.

MIGHTY KUBLAI KHAN

The Doctor decides to rescue "The Mighty Kublai Khan" from Ceti Alpha V, "returning him to Peking".

It is only when they are underway that Barbara points out that it was the wrong Khan and that there are now TWO Khans in the same period.

This at least allows Big Finish to do an adventure called THE TWO KHANS that nobody buys.

The Doctor decides to blame this latest foul up on the Meddling Monk as well.

ASSASSIN AT PEKING

A third Khan, looking remarkably like Benedict Cumberbatch has tracked down the other two Khans, determined to assassinate them both for "There Khan be only one!" apparently.

The Doctor defeats him with lens flare and Big Finish readies a "THE THREE KHANS" release, many years later.

THE SEA OF DEATH

A pleasant day at the seaside is spoilt by more than just the acidic wit of the Doctor.

Later, the Doctor sets off to reassemble the key of time - only to realize his mistake too late. However, it appears that Captain Jack Harkness has kindly lent his time travel dial to him...

ant-mac

THE VELVET WEB

The Doctor prepares himself to do mental battle with THE BRAIN OF MORBIUS - only to realize too late that he's actually supposed to be fighting the Brains of Morphoton.

Thankfully, George Gallaccio, Robert Holmes, Graeme Harper, Douglas Camfield, Philip Hinchcliffe, Christopher Baker, Robert Banks Stewart and Christopher Barry weren't available to provide cameo appearances this time around.

THE VELVET UNDERGROUND were scheduled to make a special guest appearance, but unfortunately, they were still in the process of being formed in New York city at the time.

ant-mac

THE SCREAMING JUNGLE

In the jungle, the mighty jungle... Susan screams tonight.

Hey, if you wanted originality, you shouldn't be watching DOCTOR WHO in the first place...

The tempo of life has been increased, which is more than can be said for the tempo of this episode. In fact, Susan's screaming is about the only thing that keeps everyone awake this time around.

PS - The Daleks send their robot Doctor back in time to intercept our heroes, but no one seems to notice - except perhaps James Cameron.

ant-mac

THE SNOWS OF TERROR

This time, our intrepid adventurers are up against the Ice Soldiers, or Ice Warriors, or whatever they're supposed to be...

Hang on... Ice Warriors?

Oh my God! It's THE ICE WARRIORS!!!

Oh, hang on... Too soon. It's okay, everyone, you can relax.

Meanwhile, Babs shacks up with a "fur trapper" - heh heh heh - in his mountain hideaway. Thank God! Finally we get to see some adult action in this kiddie flick.

ant-mac

SENTENCE OF DEATH

The TARDIS accidentally lands in a parallel universe - the southern states of the USA. When he emerges from the TARDIS, he is shot down by a gang of thugs dressed up in white sheets. He then regenerates into a young black woman and is arrested for the theft of police property.

She is put on trial, but the outcome is a forgone conclusion...

And this is why it is a bad idea for the Doctor to become a woman!

ant-mac

THE KEYS OF MARINUS

The Doctor must battle against multiple temporal incursions, as several future DOCTOR WHO production teams travel back in time to gain inspiration from such a classic TV story. Apparently they are bereft of their own ingenuity and imagination - and after ripping off every other literary and film source imaginable - they have finally sunken low enough to cannibalize their very own past...

The Doctor must desperately attempt to save the Web of Time and the future of DOCTOR WHO from becoming entrapped in an endlessly repeating time loop. However, he suddenly realizes that this is what is meant to happen, so for once, he is forced to accept the bitter pill of defeat. He goes back to his TARDIS to contemplate regeneration...

ant-mac

 

[Doctor Omega]

THE TEMPLE OF EVIL

Wow!!!

What a coup d'état for DOCTOR WHO!

In only their sixth TV serial ever, the makers of DOCTOR WHO have managed to organize a crossover story with that well-known Hollywood action hero and heartthrob, Indiana Jones!

Oh wait...

Never mind.

ant-mac

THE WARRIORS OF DEATH

In what at first appears to be yet another Terry Nation script, the time travellers have become separated from the TARDIS. Are we absolutely certain that this wasn't a Terry Nation script?

Barbara is mistaken for a goddess and starts putting on the airs and graces. She declares: "I am the reincarnation of Yetaxa! You will all bow down before me and pay homage!" Or something like that... Honest!

Meanwhile, Ian defeats Ixta in single combat by telling him to: "Pull my finger". Or something like that... Honest!

Don't blame me - blame Terry nation! It was his script!

ant-mac

THE BRIDE OF SACRIFICE

Yes!!!

Can you believe it?!

Quentin Tarantino directs and Uma Thurman stars in DOCTOR WHO!

And they're both determined to KILL BILL!

I'm just not sure which one... Hartnell or Russell?

Meanwhile, the TARDIS crew blah blah blah...

ant-mac

THE DAY OF DARKNESS

The story so far...

Barbara thinks she's a goddess, you should never pull Ian's finger, the Doctor went for a hot toddy and ended up with a hot totty instead...

And as for Susan... Meh, who cares about Susan?

Actually, when it comes down to it, Who does care about Susan...

Oh, is that the time? And just when things were starting to get interesting...

Up next: STRANGERS IN SPACE.

ant-mac

STRANGERS IN SPACE

The TARDIS lands on a spaceship in the future - and in a strange twist - the Doctor goes on a psychotic killing spree. He strangles the guest cast playing Maitland, Carol and John to death in a series of horrific and protracted scenes that mentally scar a generation of British children.

However, it is then realized that this unfortunate incident was caused by the fact that Hartnell had fluffed his lines and misread the title of the episode.

STRANGLERS IN SPACE…

Oops…

ant-mac

THE UNWILLING WARRIORS

So… It would appear that Sensorites are susceptible to bright lights and loud noise. This means that if you have a torch and a portable radio, they’re basically screwed. What are they going to be susceptible to next? Wind? Rain? Harsh language?

No wonder they’re so unwilling…

I haven’t seen an alien species this dangerous since the CLANGERS…

ant-mac

HIDDEN DANGER

The time travellers mistakenly believe they have arrived in an episode of FIREBALL XL5, when they meet a species of xenophobic dome-heads. However, it turns out that they have just arrived on the Ood-Sphere… Err, Sense-Sphere.

Can you believe that RTD wanted the Ood to look a bit like the Sensorites? Personally, I don’t think the Ood look anything like the Sensorites. For one thing, I don’t think that the Sensorites have a face that looks like an exploding vagina…

Now that’s a HIDDEN DANGER…

ant-mac

A RACE AGAINST DEATH

In this episode, we get to see… Err, A RACE AGAINST DEATH!

But it’s okay. Death is old and decrepit - and he drinks and smokes far too much.

The only problem is that Death is up against the first Doctor - who is also old and decrepit.

So it looks like it could be a “dead heat”.

Get it?

Never mind - I'm going for a smoke and a drink...

ant-mac

KIDNAP

The production team of DOCTOR WHO narrowly avoid being sued by the estate of the Scottish author Robert Louis Stevenson. Luckily, they removed the letters “P”, “E” and “D” from the title just in time.

In other news, the Sensorites think Humans are ugly. Obviously, there are no mirrors on Ood-Sphere… Err, Sense-Sphere.

Question: What do you get if you bang the heads of two Sensorites together?

Answer: Cleavage.

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/cleavage#/media/File:Aria_Giovanni_DSC_1310.JPG

ant-mac

A DESPERATE VENTURE

Yes, this thread by Doctor_Omega - not to be confused with Doctor-Omega - is indeed A DESPERATE VENTURE…

Will we make the distance? Will we have enough material to get us there? How long before we start recycling our jokes?

Only time will tell…

And so, finally, the adventure on Ood-Sphere… Err, Sense-Sphere draws to a close. The Doctor and his friends have uncovered and defeated the HIDDEN DANGER and set all the wrongs to right. And as they set forth in the TARDIS once more, the Doctor threatens to expel Ian and Barbara from the TARDIS once more - just like he did during the earlier story, THE EDGE OF DESTRUCTION.

It seems like our jokes are not the only thing being recycled around here.

ant-mac

A Land Of Fear

Dennis Spooner makes the first use of the patented Doctor Who TitleOMatic. After rejecting Place of Terror, Land of Terror, Place of Fear, Fear of Terror, the Deadly Terror Of Fear, Curse of the Deadly Terror, Land of the Deadly Horror, The Horror of the Terror and The Horror of The Deadly Face of Terrifying Fear as being too silly, the machine finally comes up with Land Of Fear

Unfortunately all the tinkering with the machine (which in those days consisting of paper tape and cathode ray tubes and therefore took eight hours to reset after each pass) he runs out of time to actually write a script and therefore turns in an old Avengers reject with 'steed' and 'peel' crossed out and 'the Doctor' and 'Barbara' written over

Still considered a classic

(Culfy)

GUESTS OF MADAME GUILLOTINE

The Doctor and companions take a pit stop and are invited to stay with a lonely old spinster who runs a B & B. What they don't realize is that she is secretly a man-hating psycho who plans to do terrible things to our hero. Will the Doctor manage to escape before she enacts her plan to put his knob on her chopping block?
SS

A CHANGE OF IDENTITY

The episode that really asks the question: "DOCTOR WHO?"

However, due to an unfortunate accident with Madame Guillotine in between scenes, the episode title had to be changed to A CHANGE OF GENDER.

It seems like we're going to get that female Doctor sooner than anyone expected...

Poor old Billie.

ant-mac

THE TYRANT OF FRANCE

Mister Damien France is a vicious employer at IMC in the 34th Century.

He rages and screams if any of his employees do not wear a tie and has now started an execution squad, much like Helen A, exterminating any offending "scruffy" workers.

These tie rants of France have reached the ears of the Doctor and he sets out to bring about France's downfall in a vomit inducing Christmas Special where he changes the man's past and they end up on a bobsled with sharks or something.

Susan dies at the end of the episode and, tragically, nobody even notices.

A BARGAIN OF NECESSITY

The Doctor finally tumbles that Susan is dead and gone, even if Babs and Ian have not, so he purchases a ganger replica at a discount price.

The episode consists of the new Susan stabbing a bed with scissors repeatedly.

Babs and Ian still don't notice anything though.

PRISONERS OF CONCIERGE

The new Ganger Susan continues to prove herself as a completely treacherous tart and sells the Tardis crew to a space brothel, run by Madame Concierge, where the Doctor, now called Nebrox by the lady in question, is put up for auction in the hope that he will perform chores for rich ladies.

Servalan buys him.

He escapes a week later, but is almost certainly ready to regenerate now!

Ian and Babs still suspect nothing, despite being sold to a gaming space casino where Ian actually becomes a dab hand as a card shark.

Eventually after a standard runaround they reunite at the Tardis where, not only does the Doctor reveal that Susan is a ganger, but also that the real Susan is alive and pregnant.

PLANET OF GIANTS

The Doctor and Ian and Babs track the real Susan down to the "planet of giants", although they are baffled as to why it is called that, as the hunky men that dominate it are only of standard height.

The pregnant Susan explains why it is called that and also explains that she most certainly does not want to leave.

The Tardis crew leave her there, but explain to her that she is now part of a story arc and that they will soon see her again.

DANGEROUS JOURNEY

With all the recent soap operatics putting everybody to the test, the Doctor decides that he, Ian and Babs need to cheer themselves up.

His choice is a pantomime production of CINDERS IN SPAIN, on board the space liner The Cosmic Queen.

Halfway during the production however, the mysterious star of it calls a halt to the production and insists that he is a legitimate character actor.

Not only that, he is also a dead ringer for the Doctor!

Thus begins a dangerous journey into the heart of pantomime, which drags up the Doctor's past as a Key Grip and Best Boy in long forgotten Gallifreyan Productions back in Lungbarrow.

The Celestial Toymaker turns up too - and this time she means business. Joan Collins even surpasses her role of Edith Keeler with this tour de force.

Hartnell's struggle with the name "Widow Twankey" means that this is the only 18 certificate dvd.

CRISIS

The Doctor finds his long lost sister.

And she cries a lot.

But he tells her it's okay to do so.

A deeply moving episode. Which is where the Tractators come in.

 

[Doctor Omega]

WORLD'S END

The Doctor and companions land on a Viking ship way out at sea back in the time of legends when the world was flat. To their horror they realize the ship has veered towards the giant waterfall at the ends of the Earth. If the Doctor doesn't help them turn around fast, they're sure to drop off the planet into the unknown.

Ss

THE DALEKS

The Daleks turn up on the Viking ship, demanding to know why there are two episodes called WORLD'S END.

Danny Kaye, now played by Peter Purves, has no answer.

Then the Doctor figures it out.

The ship is heading towards the GALLIFREY FALLS! And is going to go over the edge.

Luckily the Daleks scare everybody into jumping into the water. (It's just what they do.)

and the ship sails on into history and unsolved mystery.

Our intrepid heroes swim towards the Tardis and make their gentle escape, knowing that they will be troubled by the Daleks NO MORE.

DAY OF RECKONING

The Doctor spends the day calculating and estimating the likelihood of the Dalek's unexpected return after their complete and utter destruction. Repeatedly.

Gavin70

THE END OF TOMORROW

The Doctor travels forward in time to tomorrow as the day draws to a close and watches the sun set.

Gavin70

The Waking Ally

The Doctor sets the controls to 19th Century London to see the coronation of Queen Victoria. Unfortunately, a mishap with the controls sees the TARDIS instead landing in the bedroom of 20th century Lawyer Ally McBeal at night.

She wakes up and tells the Doctor and companions to sod off

So they do

culfy

Flashpoint

The Doctor wakes up in an alternate universe full of superheroes. Upon meeting the Flash he determines that he needs to go back in time to the point that the universes diverged. This results in the creation of a new universe which is a merger of all of the alternate universes. From this point on the series is known as Doctor Who - The New 52.

gavin 70

THE POWERFUL ENEMY

The Doctor undergoes a particularly brutal form of colonic irrigation, but can't pronounce it properly.

DESPERATE MEASURES

Doctor and the Master get out a tape measure to see who has the biggest sonic. It turns out that the Master hasn't got one at all anymore!

THE SLAVE TRADERS

Finding themselves on Gauda Prime, in the crashed remains of the Wanderer Class Planet Hopper, Scorpio, the Doctor and his crew reactivate the ship's computer, then flog it to the nearest bounty hunter.

ALL ROADS LEAD TO ROME

The Doctor finds himself inside a recursive occlusion recreation of Roman times, created by the Meddling Nun.

CONSPIRACY

The Hartnell Doctor becomes paranoid and starts to think that the BBC producers are planning to replace him with a different actor.

Inferno

The Doctor burns down the BBC before they can replace him with another actor
culfy

THE WEB PLANET

A one off adventure not starring any of the Tardis regulars.

Phillip Morris, having searched the entire planet for episode 3 of the Web of Fear, makes a horrifying discovery.

But can he warn the world in time and live to tell the tale?

Also known under the title: "LEVINE CUTAWAY"

THE ZARBI

The Doctor finds a battered copy of a novelisation, by Bill Strutton, of an adventure that he never had at a village jumble sale for 30p.

He is horrified to discover that he is referred to as DOCTOR WHO throughout the story and suspects the nefarious hand of Tekker of Karfel behind it all.

ESCAPE TO DANGER

During the Second World War, a British schoolteacher working in Denmark is caught up when the Germans invade. However, it turns out that it wasn’t Ian Chesterton, but Arthur Lawrence. And it turns out that it didn't star William Russell, but Eric Portman. And it turns out that it wasn’t a 1963 British science fiction TV program, but a 1943 British thriller film. And it turns out that this post wasn’t written by ant-mac, but by cam-tna...

ant-mac...?

CRATER OF NEEDLES

Welcome to the CRATER OF NEEDLES, which is right next to the CRATER OF PILLS and just down the road from the CRATER OF JOINTS.

Yes, it’s your one-stop shop for all your narcotic needs! Whether you want to inject it, ingest it or inhale it, this is where you come to invest in it!

Whether it’s cocaine, heroin or vraxoin that you’re after, we’ve got what you need.

And you’ll find our prices are very reasonable. Just sign over your health, your wealth and your entire future happiness and let the good times roll!

Please don’t ask for credit, as a punch in the face often offends…

ant-mac

NVASION

The Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith arrive in a deserted London, to discover that it has been invaded by silly looking rubber dinosaurs… Oh, hang on… That can’t be right…

The Doctor, Jamie and Zoe arrive in London in the late twentieth century, to discover that it has been invaded by Cybermen! Now we’re talking! Oh, hang on… That still can’t be right…

The Doctor, Ian, Barbara and Vicki arrive on an alien planet inhabited by giant insects and William Hartnell mistakenly believes that they are still filming PLANET OF GIANTS. Yes, that sounds about right…

ant-mac

THE CENTRE

After the TARDIS leaves Vortis, Vrestin indicates that the songs of their great deeds will be sung forever in the temples of light. He also mentions that whenever Pictos aligns with the Needle of the Kings, all Vortis shall remember the Earth people who came to help them in their time of need. And lastly, he says that the main force may fly into the Delta of Light.

So basically, the time travellers have been helping out a bunch of lazy, new-age stoners from the CRATER OF NEEDLES.

Of course, it was obvious all along…

ant-mac

THE LION

In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion… Sorry, I’ve already used that joke.

I remember this episode well… The time travellers arrive in Palestine in the twelfth century, where they encounter the King known as THE LION. If memory serves, this episode features Matthew Broderick as Simba, Jeremy Irons as Scar and James Earl Jones as Mufasa. Would it be too much of a spoiler to reveal that James Earl Jones’s character is really Matthew Broderick’s character’s father? Or have I got that all mixed up?

And before I forget, Jon Pertwee’s first wife, Sara Kingdom, appears in this story too, as the King’s sister, Morgaine. Or is she the King’s half-sister? I think I’m still a bit mixed up…

ant-mac

THE KNIGHT OF JAFFA

Once a knight, always a knight. Twice a night and you’re doing all… Sorry, I got distracted by a CARRY ON film.

Are yes, this episode is the story of an Australian registered trademark for a small round sweet consisting of a soft chocolate centre with a hard covering of orange flavoured, red coloured confectionery. I should know - I’m an Aussie.

So, if you want a nice treat to eat while you’re watching a CARRY ON film, pick up a bag of Jaffas!

You know, I can’t help thinking that I got slightly sidelined…

ant-mac

THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE

In a completely unexpected twist, the entire DOCTOR WHO TV program undergoes a change of format and becomes a TV game show.

Ian becomes the compare of the new TV program and Barbara and Vicki become his beautiful assistants. Meanwhile, the Doctor sits around wondering what the difference is between a vowel and a consonant. He also wonders if he might be “consonanted” - and if prunes will help him with this problem.

ant-mac

THE WARLORDS

In another unexpected twist, Jet Li, Andy Lau, Takeshi Kaneshiro and Xu Jinglei appear in this episode, where they play warlords from nineteenth century China. However, I have absolutely no *beep* idea what that has to do with twelfth century Palestine.

In yet another unexpected twist - there’s been a few of them lately - the aliens from Patrick Troughton’s final story, THE WAR GAMES, make a surprise appearance in twelfth century Palestine. Obviously, they must be there to collect specimens for their experiments…

Of course, there is a very slim chance that I might be mistaken about all of this…

ant-mac

 

[Doctor Omega]

The Space Museum

On a wet Saturday afternoon the Doctor takes Ian, Barbara and Vicki to a museum. He promises them it will be fun as its got 'space' in the title.

There's half a rocket and a piece of stone that claims to be moon rock.

Ian starts moaning that it's dead boring and he wanted to go and see Captain America Civil War at the cinema instead. Barbara and Vicky start fighting when Barbara claims that Vicky spat in her ice cream. The Doctor tells them all to shut up and concentrate on their activity sheets. Ian claims that the activity sheets are gay. The Doctor slaps him round the head for being disrespectful and says that if they don't shut up, there'll be no more trips in the Tardis. Then they all go home in a sulk.
Culfy

THE DIMENSIONS OF TIME.

The Hartnell Doctor has his head chopped off by the Rani and has it pickled in time as he takes his place in a Children in Need special that he gets the title of wrong.

But a splinter of Clara, watching over him in every single adventure, sews it back on for him, because she is brilliant at everything included Spock's Brain type surgery.

THE SEARCH

A metatextual episode showing the producers of Doctor Who auditioning Hartnell's replacement.

Starring a blacked-up, windjammer hatted Patrick Troughton in a performance that even surpasses his Sally Mander for head scratching bizarreness.

Worth watching, if only to see the very real punch up between Hartnell and Troughton, that led to the persistent rumours of them being lovers in real life.

THE FINAL PHASE

The search for a new Doctor is nearing completion, with only the final phase of auditions to get through. This episode shows the whole ridiculous process from beginning to, well, sort of middle.

It was around this time that Hartnell gave his chilling Panorama interview, where he revealed the behind the scenes horrors and his fears that the BBC were out to "get me", accusing them of sabotaging the brakes on his bicycle.

This is where all of the Hartnell conspiracy theories began. A paranoid time that ultimately led to the "They reallydid go to the Moon" accusations when The Moonbase was filmed.

THE EXECUTIONERS

The BBC have found their new Doctor.

Now all that remains is to get rid of the old one.

This is the only episode to feature Hartnell singing; albeit while naked.

THE DEATH OF TIME

This is it!

The episode that all the previous ones have been leading up to.

A new Doctor!

Hartnells first swansong is a deeply moving affair.

To see such a strong and authoritative Doctor battling Spectrox toxaemia and carrying a dying Ian Chesterton past mudbursts has to be seen to be disbelieved.

When he fades away to be replaced in a burst of colour by William Hartnell is one of Classic Who's greatest moments.

(Rumours are that Hartnell had powerful connections and that peter Bryant woke up to find a Myrka's head in his bed as a subtle warning about the recasting plans.)

So we were stuck with... Ermm... So Hartnell was back! And it was almost as if he had never been away!

A classic!

FLIGHT THROUGH ETERNITY

The newly unregenerated Doctor boards concorde, where the inflight movie is Andy Warhol's BATMAN DRACULA.

On a loop.

The Doctor sees that The Master is at the start of the film, taunting him, in this trap behind some crap.

Worth watching, if only for the Death of Dodo as she sacrifices herself to save Yoko Ono.

JOURNEY INTO TERROR

A documentary showing Eamonn Andrews spending a weekend with Pip and Jane Baker and his discovery of the thought processes that inform their writings.

THE DEATH OF DOCTOR WHO

The second failed attempt to recast Hartnell.

This is the story where real life tragedy intervened and a mysterious helicopter crash killed most of the behind the scenes higher ups at the BBC.

THE PLANET OF DECISION

The BBC hire a hitman to take out Hartnell.

The Watcher

The BBC turn their decision about recasting the Doctor to YOU the viewer/watcher, the vote is inconclusive as some people are sick of Hartnell fluffing his lines and throwing in the occasional racist epithet but some people quite like that.

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The Meddling Monk

the clergy weigh in on the issue, demanding more religious themes be explored in the show and suggesting that the doctor's next companion be a comely young altar boy

A BATTLE OF WITS

The Doctor challenges the Monk to A BATTLE OF WITS, but unfortunately, he has come unarmed…

Oh well, you can’t win them all.

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CHECKMATE

Fenric comes looking for the Sylvester McCoy seventeen centuries too early - and finds William Hartnell instead...

Relax! That's how it's meant to happen... I hope.

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FOUR HUNDRED DAWNS

How many Dawn Frenchs would it take to destabilize a planet’s orbit and cause it to crash into its sun and explode?

You’ll never guess the answer…

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TRAP OF STEEL

Do you want to know how to build a better mousetrap?

Build it out of steel.

Actually, the title reminds me of this girl I once knew… Her name was Debbie - but I just called her Rusty.

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AIR LOCK, OR HOW TO SAY GOODBYE IN SPACE…

In a 2007 short British science fiction film, the Master - as played by Derek Jacobi - assumes the Presidency of the USA. Seriously. Surely that’s a step up from simply being the PM of the UK?

Meanwhile, in a trial experiment, the Doctor attempts to eliminate a companion via the use on an air lock. This attempt fails, but trust me, he’ll be much more successful next time.

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THE EXPLODING PLANET

After the disastrous failure of his moon-sized space station, the Death Star, the Emperor decides to go one better... His next space station is going to be the size of a planet!

Unfortunately, for some unknown reason, he decides to use the same dickhead who designed his last space station…

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MISSION TO THE UNKNOWN

Their names… Unknown.

Their organization… Unknown.

Their equipment… Unknown.

Their mission… Unknown.

Their destination… Unknown.

Their time limit… Unknown.

The outcome… Unknown.

Hope you enjoyed the story as much as I did…

ant-mac

TEMPLE OF SECRETS

Wow!!!

What a coup d'état for DOCTOR WHO!

In only their third season ever, the makers of DOCTOR WHO have managed to organize a crossover story with that well-known Hollywood action hero and heartthrob, Indiana Jones!

Oh wait...

Oh crap…

Not again…

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SMALL PROPHET, QUICK RETURN

Quark the Ferengi guest stars in this episode of DOCTOR WHO, where he attempts to teach William Hartnell about the Rules of Acquisition. All 285 of them…

Yeah right... Good luck with that.

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DEATH OF A SPY

In response to Odysseus’s demand for help in subjugating the Trojans, the Doctor mistakenly helps him to break into a condom factory…

Never has the acronym, “SNAFU” been so appropriate.

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HORSE OF DESTRUCTION

So, it turns out that the Greek horse was too much for the Trojans to resist. It must have had too much “horse power”…

It seems that the Trojans did not take the Greek threat seriously. They thought they were just “horsing around”…

It would seem that the Trojans got it wrong. They must have bet on the “wrong horse”…

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a… Okay, I’ll stop now.

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The Nightmare Begins

The TARDIS misfires and lands the Doctor at the opening of a Coldplay concert.

Culfy

DAY OF ARMAGEDDON

The Doctor goes to see the movie Armageddon, starring Bruce Willis.

It is an afternoon matinee.

He eats some popcorn during the movie.

Then he leaves the cinema. Gets in the Tardis and leaves.

This story came lowest in that year's season poll and still holds the record as the lowest rated episode ever.

THE TRAITORS

Hartnell breaks the fourth wall and has a 25 minute rant at the start of a recorded episode about how the actors playing Ian, Barbara and Susan deserted the show.

With no time for a remount, the BBC broadcast the rant.

An embarrassing moment in Who history, but Loose Cannon had great fun with the reconstruction, using mainly the gurning trampoline shots from episode 5 of the Dalek's Master Plan to convey Hartnell's rage.

COUNTER PLOT

An extremely boring game of tiddlywinks form this "thrilling" rematch between the Doctor and the Celestial Toymaker, now played by Beryl Reid.

Attempt to swap Beryl Reid with Hartnell, so that she leaves in the Tardis as the new Doctor fail when it becomes evident that Beryl has no idea what role she is playing anyway.

CORONAS OF THE SUN

The Doctor is delighted when the Sun Newspaper gives away a free six pack of Corona Beers in it's Wednsday edition.

http://www.thebestestever.com/images/2012/04/the-best-way-drink-corona-beer.jpg

But he suspects a plot behind it all and that his old enemy THE RANI, may be involved.

He is wrong though.

It really is just a free six pack of beers in the Sun Newspaper.

THE FEAST OF STEVEN

On the Thursday, the Sun has a voucher for a free feast Ice Cream.

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/aSd7Kut4IR4/maxresdefault.jpg

The Doctor is not a huge ice cream fan, so gives the voucher to Steven Taylor.

Steven enjoys it, but refuses to let Dodo have a lick of it.

She leaves, halfway through the story in possibly the most moving and well thought out companion departure ever.

A classic story.

 

[Doctor Omega]

VOLCANO

The Doctor and his companions find themselves in a Blake's 7 episode...

...with someone that looks uncannily like the Celestial Toymaker and a Tekker/Captain Hawkins lookalike!

Thankfully using the Saward Machine on board the Tardis, the Doctor does not become involved in the plot at all and keeps out of sight pretty much, although the Doctor's shadow is clearly visible at one point, about halfway through the story. (I won't spoiler exactly where. Look out for it!)

When they get back to the Tardis, the Doctor is worried that a cosmic force is manipulating his timestream and depositing him in other shows.

"It'll be Eastender's one day!", he says to Dodo. Who is back.

Dodo says nothing, because she is actually dead, but the Doctor and Steven haven't noticed.

The Tardis dematerialises.

Golden Death

A sequel to the Green Death that somehow was filmed before it, Donald Trump purchases and reopens Global Chemicals (but the factory is plated in gold), they make chemicals, the best chemicals, that I can tell you, believe me, they're great.
Trump plans to take over the world and the Mexicans are going to fund his world domination.

Mindbait

ESCAPE SWITCH

The Doctor escapes the fiendish plans of Edward Woodward as the Rani, by switching genders.

Hattie Jaques as The Doctor in the ensuing adventure is a joy to behold and it is truly a shame that she did not stay on for longer.

Because at least that way the show would have been soon cancelled. And we would have been spared much pain in this alternate universe of stories.

Oh, the horrors to come!

THE ABANDONED PLANET

A misguided sequel to THE WEB PLANET is thankfully averted when nobody turns up for work, except Fred Othelwaite as the second Zarbi from the left.

He tried operating a camera and bumping into it for 25 minutes, determined to earn his wages, but this footage is lost and has thus become the holy grail of missing Doctor Who episodes.

THE DESTRUCTION OF TIME

Pertwee gets a job in the BBC archives, determined that there can be only one Doctor.

He stupidly destroys two tapes called INVASION part one and, devastated, vows to mend his ways.

The Beatles sing coded songs about this destruction, "She's Levine Home", etc, but the public thinks Paul is Dead instead.

WAR OF GOD

The Doctor tries to rescue a soldier from the 25th Century, who is wounded on a battlefield.

He says he is from a Combat Unit called The Dogs of War, carrying vital information that will defeat the Daleks once and for all.

Forever.

The Doctor vows to help him.

Unfortunately, however, Hartnell keeps calling him "War of God", which upsets the soldier no end and he storms off straight onto a landmine which explodes.

Once the rain of offal, teeth and vital information has stopped plummeting down upon him, the Doctor makes a discreet exit.

The Sea Beggar

The Silurians' aquatic cousins have fallen on hard times, as the Doctor and Steven try to escape the Daleks they are approached by a panhandling Sea Devil who ties shoddily made friendship bracelets to their wrists... guilty at not having any money to give the Doctor promises to hook up the poor Devil and his people with a couple of serials later on his show, assuring him that "at least one of them will be pretty good"

THE PRIEST OF DEATH

The priest from the Aztecs with a stupid name get his own failed spin off pilot.

This is something to be grateful for, as sacrificing the guest star of the week, every week would have got old very quickly.

Still, to be applauded as it shows the potential for spin off Who shows with pointless sex and violence in.

BELL OF DOOM

Marvel comics must rue the day that they allowed this crossover episode to be made, with the villainous Doctor Doom from the Fantastic Four threatening the Universe with his Bell-End Machine, which, as the name implies, is a machine, shaped like a bell that will end the universe.

The bizarre scene where the Doctor produces a Bell-End-Sniffer-Outer from his capacious pockets, to the wide eyed amazement of Steven and a still dead Dodo, is one of the weirdest moments in British television history.

THE STEEL SKY

"That Sky woman!" from the David Tennant episode, Midnight returns in yet another sequel to an adventure that hasn't happened yet!

But now, she's made of steel, having been fully taken over by the "talking" alien.

Thankfully, the alien cannot handle Hartnell's difficulty with lines and just clears off, with "That Sky woman" - now thankfully flesh and blood again - joining the crew!

A rubbish adventure.

THE PLAGUE

The Doctor once again finds himself in another television series. This time FANTASY ISLAND.

Tragically, Hartnell mishears Tattoo's cry as "THE PLAGUE! THE PLAGUE!" and sets about trying to find a cure to a disease that does not exist.

He ends up infecting the entire cast, leading to the death of Ricardo Montalblan and thus changing the future of the Star Trek sequels, meaning that Jack Palance had to play Khan in Star Trek II instead.

Cursing this sinister turn of events the Doctor leaves. with Steven staying behind to bring a new age of prosperity to Fantasy Island as Mister Roarke is now dead.

The Doctor leaves with the dead Dodo and onto his next adventure, but he is determined to find out the nefarious force that is sticking him into other television shows.

THE RETURN

Susan is back! And she is on the Jeremy Kyle show for the second time running, fighting with her crack addict boyfriend, while refusing to let him see his Time Tots!

The Doctor turns up to talk some sense to her, but just ends up getting physically attacked by Jessica, one of Susan's "mates" who screams that the Doctor should keep his nose out, cos he abandoned Susan when it mattered!

The Doctor tries to explain himself, but just keeps getting boos from the audience.

In the end he walks off, with Jeremy Kyle shouting judgementally after him that maybe he should take some responsibility for what happened.

There is a wheezing, groaning sound. It is the Doctor, short of breath as he makes his way back to the TARDIS, which has been stolen from the dressing room and sold down the road for a few quid.

The Bomb

Frustrated with the theft of his TARDIS and disillusioned with humanity after experiencing Jeremy Kyle, the Doctor briefly joins Al Qaeda. He is captured by UNIT after creating a bomb using Dalekanium and, after several weeks "re-education" at guantanamo bay he is ready to rejoin 'society'
He picks up the TARDIS at a pawn shop and continues on his travels, determined to steer clear of chavs and the military
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THE CELESTIAL TOYROOM

Sarah Kingdom finds a bizarre device laying around in the console room.

She asks the Doctor what it is and what it is for.

The Doctor, rather unconvincingly explains that it is some kind of Sniffer Outer and that there is a special room on the ship that it came from.

But she must never go in there.

She does not listen.

One of the few stories to end with the horrifying and painful death of a regular companion.

THE HALL OF DOLLS

Leading off from the Celestial Toyroom is a hall, full of dolls.

Steven investigates further!

Enuff said.

The Dancing Floor

The Doctor and his friends finds themselves once again in another tv show, this week it's Strictly Come Dancing, Steven is oddly paired with Kerry Katona who is desperately trying to revitalise her career. The Doctor is paired with up and coming actor Freema Agyeman, but after making some offcolour racial remarks to her is disqualified from the show... the Doctor uses this opportunity to investigate goings on at the BBC

THE FINAL TEST

The Doctor, during his investigations at the BBC travels back to the seventies and wanders onto the set of SCREEN TEST,

knocking out it's host and taking him back to Gallifrey, mistakenly believing him to be the Rod of Rassilon.

Michael Rod never gets home, thanks to the Doctor accidentally leaving him on the penal planet Desperus, where quiz show hosts do not have a long life expectancy.

Rod's disappearance from Screen Test leads to the show being hastily cancelled, changing the web of time to the point the first great Teatime War begins.

 

[Doctor Omega]

A HOLIDAY FOR THE DOCTOR

Hartnell is sacked and physically escorted from the BBC premises and replacement be damned.

The show continues as The Steven and Dodo Musical Variety show.

DON'T SHOOT THE PIANIST

Steven's replacing the Doctor does not last.

Hartnell is suspected.

JOHNNY RINGO

Two of the Beatles are fused together in a horrifying teleportation accident to form Johnny Ringo.

The Doctor has to act quickly to stop someone squashing his new favourite Beatle.

THE OK CORRAL

The Doctor befriends an alien called Corral, who is okay, until he tries to rip Dodo's head off and defecate down her neck.

Then the Doctor decides that he is not okay.

THE SAVAGES

Lily Savage is cloned in a tachyon generator!

Chaos ensues.

THE WAR MACHINES

The Doctor mishears again and lands up on a planet full of robotic prostitutes.

THE TENTH PLANET

The Doctor does some astrology with the Cybermen on the planet Mondo which ends up almost killing him. He uses the powers of magic to turn himself into a hobo, an embarrassing uncle.

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THE SMUGGLERS

He then realises that he regenerated too early and should have had this adventure first.

Hartnell is mighty miffed at Troughton stealing one of his stories and turns up on location, ranting and raving.

In the end a compromise is reached and it is agreed that Hartnell will be the Doctor in the studio scenes, and Troughton on location.

As to the storyline, Susan and her crackhead boyfriend are arrested on their council estate and police confiscate two tons of cheap tobacco from inside their house.

 

[Doctor Omega]

 

[Doctor Omega]

THE POWER OF THE DALEKS

The Daleks hit the charts with a string of power ballads that consistently hit the number one spot.

The Doctor investigates, only to find himself singing on the B-side of one of their offerings.

THE HIGHLANDERS

The Doctor leaves the Daleks' touring rock band and joins a pop group called the Highlanders instead, the front man of which is one Jamie Mcrimmon, whom all the girlies love.

Their first song WHO'S DOCTOR WHO is dreadful though.

and the B side isn't much better...

So the Doctor decides he's gonna spend his Christmas with a Dalek pop group instead and rejoins his old band.

In the end, the Doctor, Jamie and a young pop duo called Jackson and Lopez decide that they have had enough of touring and depart in the TARDIS for adventures new.

The Underwater Menace

The Doctor and his friends arrive in a flooded Los Angeles where production on cult 'ghetto' film 'menace to society' has been briefly put on hold. Had Hartnell's doctor been involved, there would have been various awkward... even dangerous situations from Hartnell's "alright for his time" racially inappropriate sentiments. As is Troughton just ends up contributing flute to a 'doggystyle' session with Snoop and Dr Dre. Snoop asks Polly to be his B, but she is more into sailors, so the TARDIS crew leaves intact, having sorted out the weather manipulation machine being operated by 'the man'
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THE MOONBASE

The Doctor finds the location of where Yoko Ono is filming her movie "Bottoms" (a.k.a Four)

His mission, to stop it being made, by order of the High Council, but Yoko's screams have other ideas.

Defeated, the Doctor barely makes it back to the Tardis, his new body wearing a bit thin after this sonic onslaught.

THE MACRA TERROR

The Doctor catches crabs while on holiday. Big, giant ones!

But it's okay, it's nothing that a quick shot of penicillin can't take care of.

And you thought that New Who was nothing but a sex romp...

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THE FACELESS ONES

The Doctor decides it’s time to get off his face. Rather strange, considering he’s just got over a bad case of crabs. You would’ve thought he’d have learnt to be more careful.

Either way, he’s entangled in miles of red tape by those faceless minions of bureaucracy - the British Civil Service. He has finally met his match - Sir Humphrey Appleby!

Prepare to witness the ultimate FACE/OFF!

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THE EVIL OF THE DALEKS

The Doctor takes time out from his busy schedule to play with his train set.

The Daleks plan to invade Earth once more… But this time they plan to do so by impersonating THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE & FRIENDS! Absolutely diabolical!

Personally, I blame Ringo Starr!

Of course, the fact that the Beatles' song PAPERBACK WRITER is heard in the background should have been a hint. And now that I think about it, I'm sure that the Daleks and the Beatles have combined forces before in DOCTOR WHO. Back in THE CHASE. Oh my God! I know a conspiracy when I see one!

And the three Daleks that the Doctor works on are called Alpha, Beta and Omega! So the Daleks, the Time Lords and the Beatles are all working together, hand-in-sucker, to eliminate THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE & FRIENDS - and to take away all our train sets! At this rate, we'll all end up living in a YELLOW SUBMARINE!

Ah... Excuse me. I need to go and take my medication...

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THE TOMB OF THE CYBERMEN

A story all about Cybering… And you thought that New Who was bad.

A story with so many male characters in it, that it forces Victoria to ask: “What are all these knobs?”

Unfortunately, we never get to see the natural conclusion to such an innocent question.

Damn the BBC!

The trouble with this story is that this group of tomb raiders are truly terrible at what they do. What they really need is the help of a professional TOMB RAIDER. Someone with experience, intelligence and skill. Unfortunately, Indiana Jones and Lara Croft weren’t available, so they had to make do with the first Doctor’s favourite clown - the second Doctor.

Oh well…

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THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN

A story with so many male characters in it, that it forces Jamie to complain: “Hey, you're giving me the willies.”

Fortunately, we never get to see the natural conclusion to such an innocent complaint.

A story with monsters that are so cute, you just want to hug them to death… Of course, the problem is they’ll beat you to it.

However, in the gripping finale, the Doctor shows why he’s the hero who can save the world, when he displays his immense intelligence…

Jamie: "Have you thought up some clever plan, Doctor?"

Doctor: "Yes, Jamie, I believe I have."

Jamie: "What are you going to do?"

Doctor: "Bung a rock at it."

So, as you can see, it’s safe to assume that we’re all going to die…

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THE ICE WARRIORS

Finally, DOCTOR WHO has come of age!

Finally, DOCTOR WHO features a story about a real, everyday problem!

Finally, DOCTOR WHO features a story about relevant problem of the modern age!

Finally, DOCTOR WHO features a story about the ice epidemic in the distant future...

Hang on… What? Oh, never mind.

So, instead of a story about Methamphetamine or 4-Methylaminorex, we get a tale about the next ice age…

So much for global warming.

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THE ENEMY OF THE WORLD

The name is... WHO, DOCTOR WHO.

DOCTOR WHO meets James Bond... And Jon Pertwee is nowhere to be seen.

Due to a couple of tragic misunderstandings, the Doctor firstly wipes out an entire species of terrestrial amphibians and then follows this up by giving the Human species the biggest case of butt-hurt in history.

Luckily for the Doctor, there is a handy doppelgänger present to take all the blame…

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THE WEB OF FEAR

This DOCTOR WHO adventure follows on directly from the end of THE ENEMY OF THE WORLD, where Salamander was sucked off in the TARDIS… I mean sucked out in the TARDIS… I mean sucked out of… Oh, you go and figure it out.

Anyway, this is the story that is set in the Underground - no, not THE VELVET UNDERGROUND - the London Underground. An environment made up of dark and gloomy tunnels. A place that is so cramped and restrictive in size, that it inspired the following intercourse between the Doctor and Jamie…

Doctor: "Can you do it?"

Jamie: "I'll try, Doctor, but I'll have to get to a better position."

Of course, when I said “intercourse”, I didn’t actually mean “intercourse”… What I really meant was “intercourse”…

Oh, you go and figure it out!

ant-mac

 

[Doctor Omega]

FURY FROM THE DEEP

The Doctor investigates the hidden danger of farting in the bath.

A story with a monster that is so dangerous, it can only be killed by the screams of a frightened teenage girl... Really? Wow, that just sucks. I mean the monster does...

Meanwhile, due to a misunderstanding, a teenage fifth Doctor shows up to do battle with the Silurians and Sea Devils. Either that or he’s determined to keep the record for being the youngest incarnation of the Doctor in the entire history of DOCTOR WHO. Just wait until the eleventh Doctor hears about this. In fact, just wait until the eleventh Doctor is actually born - in about another fourteen years or so…

"He's beginning to give me the willies."

Another memorable line of dialogue from another memorable DOCTOR WHO story that just goes to prove that I have way too much time on my hands if I can be bothered to do the research to find it…

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THE WHEEL IN SPACE

Finally, the Cyberman story that features their most famous line of dialogue ever…

Cyberman: "Effective penetration should be immediate."

You have to admit that it sure beats the hell out of: “Delete!”, doesn’t it?

Of course, what would you expect from a species that is so dedicated to Cybering, that they actually named themselves after the activity?

No wonder they eventually came up with the phrase: “Delete!”. Obviously, they weren’t actually trying to threaten anybody, they were just trying to remind themselves to delete their internet history. The dirty buggers…

It’s all so obvious.

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And in a clever ploy to fill in the gap between the end of season five and the start of season six of DOCTOR WHO, the BBC actually manage to repeat a previous story - and make it an official part of the on-going narrative of DOCTOR WHO. The clever buggers…

And so, without further delay, here is…

THE EVIL OF THE DALEKS

Again...

But it’s okay, this time I’ve taken my medication in advance.

We all live in a YELLOW SUBMARINE... A YELLOW SUBMARINE… A YELLOW SUBMARINE…

Okay, obviously I have not taken enough of my medication.

Oh, wow… Yoko Ono is a musical genius…

Whoops, too much!

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THE DOMINATORS

A story that I bet the Cybermen wish they had been in, what with all their Cybering on the internet… The dirty buggers!

A story that features a race of warlike aliens - and their army of robotic bartenders from Deep Space Nine. Just wait until the Grand Nagus hears about this.

A story that features the Doctor in a brand new costume that consists of bright red high-heel shoes, a tight-fitting pair of spandex shorts and nipple rings… If only it had been Zoe wearing that costume - or even Jamie.

A story that should never be spoken of again…

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The Mind Robber

An evil scientist invents a device to wipe people's minds of the previous episode.

Everyone is incredibly grateful

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THE INVASION

Zoe bursts into the bathroom while Jamie is playing with his ducks.

In a chilling moment of horror that the series has actually never recovered from, it is unavoidably obvious that the Doctor is also sat in the bath, facing Jamie.

The episode was blacked out at this point and is now generally disregarded by fans and not regarded as part of the official continuity.

In fact, so embarrassed were the BBC that they accidently wiped the first episode of a Pertwee story because it had the same shameful title.

The Krotons

The Doctor reads a menu for soup. The chef is apparently dyslexic. The doctor complains about the spelling mistakes. The chef kicks him in the gonds.

Culfy

THE SEEDS OF DEATH

After being inspired by his experiences during THE DOMINATORS - don’t ask - the Doctor decides to visit a fertility clinic to donate his seed - don’t ask.

The Doctor wishes to assist as many women as he can through the process of artificial insemination - don’t ask.

However, it turns out that at this stage in DOCTOR WHO history, Gallifreyans and Humans cannot yet conceive a child together - don’t ask.

So the Doctor’s seed brings not life, but death to the Human ovum - don't ask.

And if this is true, then why did the Doctor leave his granddaughter on Earth after THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH, to marry David and start a family…? Don't ask...

Another story that should never be spoken of again, because of what happens in it - don’t ask!

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THE SPACE PIRATES

Space - the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise... Oh, hang on.

DOCTOR WHO finally enters STAR TREK territory, with an epic story of spaceships, space pirates and space travel… So much space travel! So much boring space travel! So much pointless space travel! So much boring and pointless space travel! So much… But you get the point.

I don’t know what Patrick Troughton was thinking. It was never like this with Patrick Stewart…

However, there are a few moments of interest…

Doctor: "Well, Milo's very kindly offered to give us a lift in the LIZ."

Jamie: "Oh no... Not the LIZ again. Frankly I'd rather walk."

Unfortunately, I was unable to contact Liz Shaw for a response to this comment by the Doctor.

ant-mac

THE WAR GAMES

The 1983 American Cold War science fiction film, directed by John Badham, that answers the question as to what happens when a teenage boy spends too much time on his computer - apart from there suddenly being a mysterious shortage of tissues in the house…

So tune in to see Matthew Broderick, Dabney Coleman and Ally Sheedy strut their stuff in a film that has been called: “Much more realistic than TRON” and: “Not as excruciatingly bad as TRON” and: “Slightly more watchable than TRON” and: "This film is not TRON".

What’s that? This is supposed to be about the final TV serial of the second Doctor and not a 1983 film? Oh well, it’s too late to worry about that now…

However, before I go, I’d just like to point out the historical significance of this DOCTOR WHO serial. I’d just like to remind everyone that with the completion of the closing credits on the final episode of this epic adventure, a new era of DOCTOR WHO was ushered in for all to enjoy. A magnificent era of such importance and influence upon the rest of the TV series that I’m sure everyone will agree that it should be praised throughout all of DOCTOR WHO fandom for all time…

I speak, of course, about

ant-mac

 

[Doctor Omega]

 

[Doctor Omega]

SPEARHEAD FROM SPACE



In this story the Doctor has to help rescue the people of Earth when the planet gets hit and devastated by a giant javelin that was hurled through space in the intergalactic olympic sports.

Can the Doctor save the Earth before round two starts?
Ss

The Silurians

a sitcom about three comically mismatched reptiles, one is old and wise, one is young and impetuous, the other is easily led... they enjoy hilarious hijinks with their pet dinosaurs then the series takes a turn for the worse when the silurians meet a race of ape-descended creatures who end up murdering many of the cast and sealing the rest of them in the set of their show... years later one of them breaks out and stages a gritty reboot under the new stage name 'Icthar'
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The Ambassadors of Death

death has been getting kind of a bad rap so he sends out some representatives to act as sort of "ambassadors of death" to talk him up, they dress as astronauts because of course everyone knows that astronauts are heroic and beloved... the problem comes where anyone that they make physical contact with dies, thus worsening death's reputation.
The Doctor spends most of the story working on the TARDIS to repair it so that he can escape earth and the Brigadier's seemingly endless, boring, and vaguely racist stories from his army days. Eventualy the doctor is made aware of the killer astronauts and organises for them to be shot back into space in a capsule (the only problem being that they hadn't come from space in the first place) dusts off his hands and, whistling, heads back to work on the TARDIS some more
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Inferno

Project Inferno is progressing well, everything is going to plan and (aside from a certain belligerent oil man) there is discipline and order... suddenly a flamboyant peacenik from a crazy, nightmare alternate universe where britain is a democracy (can you imagine?! All praise to the leader!) arrives and starts gibbering on about the 'earth screaming' and 'free will' and other such hippy tripe.
The project, which was proceeding without any problems and was a credit to the republic (all praise to the leader) was clearly sabotaged by this vile space gypsy leading to the imminent destruction of our world... all heil the leader
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TERROR OF THE AUTONS

Barbara Windsor turns up as The Master, intent on teaming up with the Autons, but she has reckoned without their total cowardice and aversion to aggression in any form. In fact, they live in abject terror.

Can the Doctor rescue these poor misguided creatures from a guest appearance in Eastenders and, consequently, Dimensions in Time?

THE MIND OF EVIL

Barbara Windsor reappears as The Master and decides to get revenge on the Doctor by framing him for stealing The Brigadier's moustache. The Doctor is sent to prison while The Master continues playing pranks on him while on the outside. Can the Doctor survive a bar of soap and the Deadly Shower of Doom long enough to escape?

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THE CLAWS OF AXOS

For this story the show becomes experimental by not actually featuring the Doctor. Instead this story revolves around a homeless man called Pigbin Josh, a man struggling to get around in life while driving a creaking bicycle. Abducted by a UFO structured like a vagina Josh hits the big time when he discovers his alien friends have discovered how to turn lead into gold. Will Josh get back to Earth penniless or can he get back looking like Mr T?

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COLONY IN SPACE

The Pigbin Josh story continues, as the BBC attempt to scare Pertwee into taking a pay cut by keeping him out of this story also.

In the second part of this one parter, Pigbin requires a colostomy, despite his inability to pronounce the word, on the planet Axos, due to the very dodgy diet he has been eating there.

The rest of the episode seems to just consist of farting noises, until one realises that this is what passes for incidental music now.

THE DAEMONS

The Ferengi make a guest appearance, led by Daemon Bok.

They sell Unit to another planet and the Brigadier ends up as a male prostitute, teaching his men certain belly dancing moves in order to ensure their survival.

A gripping and taut episode that also does not feature Pertwee, save as an offscreen voice during a seduction scene.

DAY OF THE DALEKS

The first story ever told from an average Dalek's point of view - Day of the Daleks.

Dan Dalek gets up in the morning, brushes his tooth, combs his few hairs, sprays his breath and then slithers into his Dalek suit ready to start a new day. He kisses his Dalek wife goodbye (kissing is just putting the two plungers together) and heads out the door.

On the way to work he is greeted by his neighbor Daleks saying "exterminate" where humans would typically say "hello".

Dan gets to work to find out he is to be on a team that will travel in time with some Ogrons to 1970s Earth to try to invade a country manor. Dan is so happy about the mission that he spins around in circles until he gets dizzy.

Soon the mission is starting - he and two other Daleks only, along with 5 Ogrons travel back in time to take on an army of British soldiers defending the manor. Dan and his buddies easily brush aside all the forces until they see a white-haired man wearing a purple velvet suit and a cape suddenly flee the house in a hasty retreat.

Dan makes his way into the basement to see a uniformed man with a moustache holding a strange-looking device. Dan says "Is that a bomb--?" and it's the last words Dan ever utters.

Cut to two well-dressed Daleks giving Dan's wife the bad news.

Timmdoolen

THE CURSE OF PELADON

Still stranded on Earth, The Doctor finally gives up trying to make the TARDIS function against the Time Lord's wishes, and succumbs to living life as a normal Earthling. He takes a regular 9-to-5 job as a phone sanitizer, and gets a flat in Kensington, which he shares platonically with Sgt. Benton.

Sitting home at night drinking beer with Benton, the Doctor becomes obsessed with recycled American television shows, particularly "Have Gun Will Travel" and its main character Peladon, a gun-for-hire. He realizes giving away his expertise for free to UNIT is ridiculous, and that he can make more money selling his scientific knowledge. He takes out advertisements in all the London papers "Have Brain Will Travel -- The Doctor".

Weeks pass by without a single inquiry, probably because he has no phone. So he gets one installed in Benton's flat.

Finally the Doctor gets a call and is asked to help break a miner's strike which has caused power outages all over the UK. He is able to end the strike quickly via collective bargaining, but when he isn't paid promptly for his service, he gets angry and blows up several mines instead, causing millions of viewers to miss the broadcasts of both "Have Gun Will Travel" AND "Doctor Who".

This is of course the Curse of Peladon, so the Doctor quits his phone sanitizer job and returns to working for free at UNIT since he steals whatever clothes he needs, raids Benton's fridge whenever he feels peckish, and never needs to buy anything else ever.

Timmdoolen

THE SEA DEVILS

The Doctor and the Brigadier’s relationship hits a rocky patch and the Doctor runs off with a sailor. Fortunately, by the end of the story, the Doctor appears to be ready to return and resume his “bro-mance” with the Brig.

In an attempt to fight off the boredom he has been feeling ever since he was exiled to Earth, the Doctor turns his hand to advertising in this commercial for the Royal Navy. Meanwhile, Malcolm Clarke does his best to sabotage this advertisement with an experimental electronic score that that would have made the music-loving aliens from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND go on a killing rampage similar to the one we witnessed in INDEPENDENCE DAY.

While all of this is happening, Colonel Trenchard all but steals the remainder of the story with some saucy dialogue.

Trenchard: "Time for a quick one?"

Which would explain why Captain Hart was in such a hurry to end the meeting…

Trenchard: "I can't keep it up, you know."

Which would explain why the Master was so busy trying to escape from prison - only he wasn’t…

Hmm…

ant-mac

THE MUTANTS

A gripping six episode bottle show, set entirely in the U.N.I.T. laboratory, in which the Doctor, devising test after test, finally realises that Ants simply can't talk.

The heart stopping climax features Katy Manning's best bit of acting ever as she jauntily says "I could have told you that Doctor!" before making everybody some coffee.

These mute ants never appeared on the show again, leading to many conspiracy theories and even speculation that they were trodden on by the same guy who rang in a radio station from Area 51.

Voice analysis experts claim that the man's voice has hints of being an ex BBC employee and also an ant-crusher, but other experts pour scorn on this claim.

Listen and decide for yourself.

It also raises the question of what else Pertwee may have known about the Roswell incident.

 

[Doctor Omega]

THE TIME MONSTER

The Master starts a intimate relationship with a big white budgie, which he has apparently named Kronos. At the end of episode one, the Master explicitly calls upon his pet to: “Come, Kronos! Come!” Thankfully, he is wearing protection - in the form of full-body radiation suit. Talk about taking things to the extreme…

Meanwhile, a male sheep from Gallifrey - known as a “time ram” - releases the large white budgie from its cage and in response to this, the large white budgie turns into a girl and lets the Master go free… Who’d have thought there’d be an upside to bestiality?

Meanwhile, the DOCTOR WHO production team, not content with having already destroyed Atlantis twice, does so for a third time - just to make sure. Talk about rubbing salt into the wound. On a lighter note, Sergeant Benton gets his kink on by wearing a baby’s nappy to work. The big unanswered question of the serial is who will change it after he’s wet himself?

To quote the Master: "I've never seen a more inept performance!"

ant-mac

The Three Doctors

Bill Hartnell, having gone a bit doolally since leaving the show, storms onto the set and starts running through his lines... by pure coincidence Pat Troughton stumbles onto the set looking for his old recorder that he lost while filming on the show... Barry Letts tells Lennie Mayne to "just roll with it" and a historical meeting occurs between the 3 actors to play the doctor... well it would have, except Bill wandered off and got trapped in a cupboard, his scenes were filmed there.

Mindbait

CARNIVAL OF MONSTERS

The Doctor takes Jo to the fairground.

It soon becomes clear that it is just a complete con.

From weighted down coconuts, hoops that are too small to la anything with and fixed gunsights on the shooting range.

The Doctor is not only insulted but bored.

He decides to liven things up by delivering a load of REAL monsters to the owner,

"At least you won't be cheating the public this way!" lectures Pertwee pompously as Erato roles over the owner, before Wolf Weeds finish what is left over.

Oblivious to the man's death, the Doctor takes Jo home, leaving behind a Yeti on the carnival loo, a magma beast that is sadly being kicked to death by local teens and an Ergon nicknamed Chicken George by the Chicken Tamers that have been forced to swap from the lions that the Mandrels ate.

The death of a Mandrell creates a whole new problem and flying high on the trapeze has never been a more apt phrase.

The Brigadier does not investigate any of this because he is useless.

FRONTIER IN SPACE

The Doctor stumbles on a remake of STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER being made on the planet Shatner.

It is dreadful though.

The Doctor realises that the only way to save it is by travelling backwards in time, picking up a Whale called Bill and hoping that he can tell this production what to go do with itself.

Unfortunately this backfires when Bill realises that this is his chance to remake the thing and "Get it right this time!"

The Doctor decides that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and strands shatner on Varos, where they need the kind of programming that he produces naturally.

PLANET OF THE DALEKS

On a boring day in the Tardis, the Doctor insists that Jo play a board game with him entitled PLANET OF THE DALEKS.

The object of the game is that the first player to throw a six and reach the PLANET OF THE DALEKS is the winner.

Unfortunately Jo is the luckier player and the Doctor is left fuming as she buys up all of his Mechanoids, most of Skaro, Spiridon, and even the penal planet of Desparus!

He tries to hide his annoyance but becomes more and more sulky as Jo continues to sweep the board with success!

In the end, he gets his revenge though as it allows him to give a pompous speech about how real war isn't a game and that she must remember the small plastic player pieces that wouldn't be going home. She must tell people about that too.

As they have been playing with real money, Jo now has enough to go out for a night on the town with Mike Yates and his boyfriend.

The Green Death

The latest issue of vogue is out, as is the verdict... Green is death, you do not want to be seen sporting that colour at all. The Brigadier leaps into action demanding a return to season 7's original UNIT uniforms, The Doctor is unwilling to give up his favourite green jacket and stores it away, hoping it'll be 'in' again next season.
Disgusted by the selfishness and lack of style of the doctor's actions, Jo moves to Wales in protest... the doctor puts on his green jacket in penance and drives off into the sunset
mindbait

 

[Doctor Omega]

THE TIME WARRIOR

The Doctor is trying to get to Professor Rubeish's bottom of why scientists are disappearing. When Rubeish disappears The Doctor and a news reporter out for a scoop called Sarah Jane Smith enter a UNIT cubicle and end up in the Middle Ages! There not only must they defeat the evil King Iron Groin but also Boba Fett. Things get even worse when an alien The Doctor calls 'Mr Potato Head' appears out of a giant golf ball. His name is Lynx and he's after an Atari handheld. Something smells and it isn't deodorant. Will The Doctor survive the advances of the one known as Dot Cotton? And will plucky reporter Sarah-Jane get her interview with Boba Fett or will she end up a maid in the castle's kitchen for Marco Pierre White?

Either the Doctor stops Lynx video game crash or be prepared to play E.T. forever!

Pt86

INVASION OF THE DINOSAURS

When The Doctor and Sarah arrive back in London they find the city overrun by men in oversized dinosaur costumes! It seems Green Peace are using time travel to bring the beasts into the present. The Doctor decides the only way to defeat the dinos is to bring in Godzilla but that involves going to Japan to launch a nuclear strike. The Brig is shocked when Mike Yates tells people he's a member of Green Peace, it had to come out eventually.

The story continues as The Doctor brings back Godzilla while avoiding tree huggers and Yates decides to vote Labour, retire and become a hippy.

Pt86

DEATH TO THE DALEKS

The Tardis is stranded in a quarry! As Sarah phones the AAA The Doctor is shocked to discover that the latest Dalek invasion isn't going to happen because the Daleks are suffering impotence. The Doctor meets up with one of the local inhabitants Richard O'Brien and both them and some of the others journey to the planet's Crystal Dome to get a line to the AAA. Entering the Crystal Maze they must face a series of tricky challenges in four zones: Medieval, Aztec, Industrial and Future. Each challenge completed nets them a crystal, five seconds of time inside the Crystal Dome. Failure to do so will mean a lock-in. Here's some dialogue from the story:

The Doctor: Can you see the crystal?!

Sarah: It's on the wall over there, you need to solve the puzzle first!

Richard O'Brien: You have one minute! (plays the harmonica in distracting fashion)

One of Richard's friends: How many times do I have to tell you it's U3!

The Doctor: What?!

Sarah: U3!

Richard O'Brien: Your teammates are giving you good advice team captain, I suggest you take it!

Everyone: U3!!!

The Doctor: (shrugs at 45 seconds) I'm getting out it's too difficult.

Here's a clip from this exciting Doctor Who story:

Can The Doctor beat the maze and win or will be get a rubbish prize? Can the Daleks master The Crystal Maze and get their needed supply of Viagra or will they continue shooting blanks? Most importantly what would Mumsy say?!

Pt86

THE MONSTER OF PELADON

The Doctor and Sarah are out driving in Bessie and minding their own business when they stumble on the village of Peladon, just five miles down the M1, third turning at the second junction.

They are horrified to hear in the local pub that there is a monster loose, terrorising the local sheep.

The Doctor sets out to investigate while Sarah makes further enquiries around the village.

It is not long before the Doctor comes face to with the Monster, who turns out to be Dodo in rags, having gone insane thanks to the first Doctor's rubbish hypnotism and his sending her to the countryside.

Embarrassed at this reminder of his stupid past he hypnotises her again by singing God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen to her while swinging his bauble.

This time the hypnotism works brilliantly and Dodo suddenly remembers that she was the Rani all along, having used a chameleon arch pocket watch decades before!

She finds her Tardis, which has actually been Bessie all along. (This upsets the Doctor greatly) and vanishes into the nethersphere leaving an evil chuckle hanging in the air!

The Doctor returns to the pub and boasts that he has dealt with the Monster, but that they need to get the bus home now.

He tries to think of a pompous lecture to give the pub locals, but frankly, his embarrassment prevents him this time around.

Planet of the Spiders

The Doctor and Sarah reconnect with Mike Yates who has well and truly left his discipline behind and turned into a right hippy, he has been getting into meditation down at the Letts Monastery in the countryside and invites his old friends to come and investigate some mysterious goings-on, the doctor insists on travelling by motorbike, which he then leaps off on to a moving train, from there then manages to grab hold of a low-lying helicopter... he ends up miles away and has to commandeer a hovercraft to get back to the monastery where he is met by Yates and Sarah who arrived hours earlier by car.

The Doctor uses a piece of Jo Grant's chunky jewellery to transport himself and Sarah to a strange world where spiders rule and humans can't act.
Eventually the Doctor finds the tip of Nelson's column realises that this is not an alien world, it is in fact the earth in the future, and they blew it up, THE MANIACS BLEW IT UP! The doctor is inconsolable, and eventually becomes so bugged eyed and manic that he turns into Tom Baker
mindbait

 

[Doctor Omega]

 

[Doctor Omega]

ROBOT



The newly regenerated Doctor flees UNIT in the Tardis, where he finds himself on the Enterprise D trying to slap the bottom of Ensign Ro!

After escaping from the brig, he makes his way, shamefacedly back to UNIT.

An inauspicious start for the new Doctor....

THE ARK IN SPACE

The Doctor takes the Whomobile out for a spin and tries to park it in a rather small car park.

Unfortunately the vehicle is too large for the space and the Doctor gets into an argument with the car park attendant that ends with the Doctor ripping the P and the G off the parking space sign and zooming off in a huff.

But he is now a fugitive on the run and flees the Earth in the Tardis with Sarah and Harry, a young sailor he met while drowning his sorrows in The Pink Parrot.

The Sontaran Experiment

Let's just say it involves some burly earth men, sweat, rods, chains, a bottle of olive oil, a probic vent and Herr Flick's sausage containing the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies

mb

Genesis of the Daleks

Because it is only Star Trek and nobody cares if you screw up the timelines, the Daleks invade Star Trek II and III, drilling down to the core of the newly born Genesis planet and driving it off into space, unfortunately colliding with Mondas by accident, killing David Marcus, Saavik, a teenaged Spock and also erasing both THE TENTH PLANET and ATTACK OF THE CYBERMAN too!

REVENGE OF THE CYBERMEN

Extremely annoyed at the destruction of Mondas and swearing vengeance against the Daleks, the Cyber war fleets travel back in time and kill Kit Pedler and Gerry Davis, having not done their research properly.

TERROR OF THE ZYGONS

Horrified that the Cybermen have gone insane and started slaughtering authors of notable monster races. the Zygons send a Skaresen back in time to safeguard Terrance Dicks, because they haven't done their research properly either.

Unfortunately the Skaresen is a bit thick and Terrance is flattened before he can even finish novelising The Auton Invasion, thus inflicting major damage on the Target book range, thus never inspiring Russell T. Davies et al, thus erasing New Who from the timelines.

The Universe weeps...

Planet of Evil

The Doctor hears of a planet devoted entirely to wild and wonderful motorcycle stunts. So he heads there. But his dyslexia mucks things up again
culfy

Pyramids of Mars

It's the eighties and Terrys are dominating the novelty confectionary market with their 'Pyramints' - pyramid shaped sweets with a mint filling where the burial chamber would normally be.

Rival confectionary manufacturers Mars respond with the 'Pyramid' - a chocolate pyramid shape with a nougat filling where the burial chamber should be.

Terrys responds that this is a ridiculous and there's not even a decent pun, but Mars, undaunted, continue with their promotion of the pyramids of Mars with an ad campaign featuring various 80s celebs such as Su Pollard and Timmy Mallet turning the camera and saying "mmmmm! Pyramidy goodness". This is widely denounced as being 'highly stupid, even for the eighties' and as a result Mars' sales drop by 50% and its entire board of directors resigns overnight.

A doctor-lite story.

Culfy

THE ANDROID INVASION

The Doctor, clearly embarrassed and distressed, turns up at a hospital, with an Android mobile phone inserted inside him.

This one, to be precise:

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon...e/RM_ML_SS_GlxyS3_Blue_Front-Dandln-O25in.jpg

Grace Holloway loses her way during the removal procedure and almost loses her patient.

The director of the hospital insists on burning the x rays and Chang Lee steals a bag with the mobile in.

Grace does not try to get it back off him.

THE BRAIN OF MORBIUS

Sarah Jane begins quizzing the Doctor about how the TARDIS can travel through space and time and why she feels fatter on the inside than the outside.

To keep her quiet, the Doctor takes a thin long strip of paper and folds it into an "8" or what looks like the infinity character. He tells her it's a "Morbius strip" and asks her to count the sides.

She stares at it, running her fingers over the Morbius strip for all 4 episodes while the Doctor takes a nap, plays yo-yo, watches TV and cleans his many mobile phones which are all very filthy.

She finally says "Doctor. I've got it" but the episode is already over time - slam cut to closing credits.

Timmdoolen

THE SEEDS OF DOOM

The Doctor and Sarah take a nice trip in the Tardis to a snow filled science base. There they find a bunch of scientists experimenting on plant life called Monster Minds. Back in England The Doctor tries to stop a gardening nut called 'Alan' from using his Monster Minds to take over the English countryside. UNIT happen to be in the area, see some action going on and proceed to blow up not just the plant life and Alan but also his right hand man Boycie. That is one unkempt garden! The Doctor and Sarah go back to the ice base for fun but the Tardis collapses on Sarah and The Doctor has to make a new one for next season. Will Sarah be okay or will The Doctor be playing the organ?

P86

THE MASQUE OF MANDRAGORA

In their new cardboard Tardis, the Doctor insists on going to a masque on the planet Krapp an unfortunate name that is of some embarrassment to the Doctor.

"We're going to Krapp etc.

The masque is an eccentric one where everybody has to wear a vegetable on their lapel.

The Doctor chooses this rubbish.

http://www.general-anaesthesia.com/images/mandragora.jpg

Sarah decides to wear a stick of celery on hers which the Doctor says is a stupid idea, but when she gets first prize he fumes with envy.

The Masque turns out to be a trap laid by every foe the Doctor has ever encountered, who have all changed gender.

This stupid adventure concludes with Stanley Bloody Kubrick turning up as himself and admitting that he faked the moon landings.

Voted the stupidest and most pretentious ever in the history of season 14.

It starts to rain as the story ends and the new cardboard Tardis is reduced to friendly pulp.

Luckily the Mandragora plant turns out to be a Tardis bulb and he grows a new one quicker than JNT near some doable barkers.

The newly grown Tardis sets off towards a fateful story for Sarah Jane!

THE HAND OF FEAR

After discovering his soiled mobile phone collection Sarah tells the Doctor to talk to the hand and storms out of the Tardis and his life seemingly forever!

It is just what he has always feared.

THE DEADLY ASSASSIN

Completely alone for the first time in hundreds of years, the Doctor finds he has a lot more free time and starts surfing the Internet. There he finds hundreds of websites dedicated just to him. However, the Doctor doesn't like some of the trolls and haters he finds online and, now with no companion to talk to or keep him sane, turns to the only person he can think of to have a chat.

The Doctor phones the Master for advice, even though they haven't spoken in years. The Master advises to kill the haters, kill them all, but of course that's not The Doctor's way. The Master also didn't know the Doctor was still alive (space/time is a *very* big place). The Master realizes that all his attempts in the past to kill the Doctor were hopeless, so maybe it's time to hire someone to do it for him.

The Master searches the cosmos for a deadly assassin, and it's harder than he thought it would be. He finds plenty of people who are deadly, but not assassins. And he meets a lot of assassins who are embarrassingly harmless and not deadly at all.

Finally when the Master is about to give up all hope, he meets the deadliest assassin of them all, the only man who could eventually kill the Doctor -- Michael Grade.

Timmdoolen

THE FACE OF EVIL

The Doctor finds himself on a stupid planet that has been receiving television transmissions from the long since destroyed Earth and have based their whole culture on a movie that they watch regularly.

In fact they worship one character in particular.

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/H6ZJUytFzw8/maxresdefault.jpg

A very short adventure really since the Doctor just unplugs the telly they are watching.

The Doctor leaves with his new companion Leela, played by Bernard Manning.

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Y5MZl9HF4TA/maxresdefault.jpg

The Doctor realises that Leela needs civilising.

THE ROBOTS OF DEATH

Leela gets a migraine trying to understand the fourth dimension so the Doctor takes her to a mining planet so she can recover. There a race of robot slaves start turning on their creators. The Doctor tries to find one robot that doesn't equal death while Leela plays with her Janice Thorns.

(Please note: this story was later adapted into this popular sci-fi movie. Writing credit for Bob Holness was of course given):

pt86

THE TALONS OF WENG-CHIANG (THANKS FOR EVERYTHING - JNT)

Arriving in Victorian England because what the hell the Doctor and Leela decide to play Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson when a racial stereotype tries to take over the world. At his disposal he has a gang of ninjas, a man beaten with an ugly stick, a giant rubber rat and Mini-Me. When things get to tough Mini-Me cuts loose and goes on a trigger happy killing spree. Unfortunately he misses the BBC heads who decide the series has been spending too much money, so fire the producer and cut the budget.

Will Robert Holness have a job? Can the Doctor defeat his biggest opponent: the BBC budget?

Pt86

 

[Doctor Omega]

THE HORROR OF FANG ROCK

The Doctor falls foul of the Spanish Inquisition.

He almost breaks under interrogation, especially when Cardinal Fang puts him in the comfy chair and starts to rock it.

Mary Whitehouse notoriously fell asleep while watching this episode.

THE INVISIBLE ENEMY

Unfortunately, due to certain events that took place when THE WHORE ON A WANG ROCKS - or whatever the previous serial was called - the Doctor finds that he has caught a nasty virus. Also, due to an unfortunate misprint on the title of the script, he spends the next four episodes in a state of terrified paranoia as he desperately tries to protect himself from an unseen anal intruder. This is not the FANTASTIC VOYAGE that we were promised...

Nucleus: "The Age of Man is over. The Age of the Virus has begun!"

We'll see about that when the Doctor finally gets to the Bi-Al Foundation and gets a shot of penicillin.

ant-mac

IMAGE OF THE FENDAHL

The writer Raul Dahl...

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001094/

has gone missing from the timelines and he has not even written any of his books yet.

Luckily the Doctor tracks him down to the Lincolnshire Fens...

http://www.rexslyinthefens.com/images/MainSlides/fenRain.jpg

... after seeing an image of him during one of those rubbish Deadly Assassin type premonitions that he sometimes gets.

All is well until Leela kills Dahl with a Janis Thorn because she misunderstands the phrase "everlasting gobstopper".

The Doctor is horrified and - after hiding the body - has no other option but to write Dahl's whole body of work, and host Tales of the Unexpected too!

He can't resist writing about a chameleon-arched retired Time Lord who owns a Tardis-like Chocolate Factory though.

The Doctor and Leela journey on, the Doctor dismissing her latest slaughtering of a human being as just one of those things, although he does insist on her paying for the ink used in his fountain pen.

THE SUNMAKERS

Due to yet another misprint in the title of the script, the Doctor mistakenly believes that he will finally be able to get it on with Leela to produce the son he has always yearned for. However, Leela quickly dissuades him from this course of action when she pulls out her knife and threatens to circumcise him on the spot…

"This is the moment when I get a real feeling of job satisfaction!"

Not when you see the second-rate Davros wannabe that is on offer this time around…

ant-mac

UNDERWORLD

Doctor and Leela arrive in London in 2003, and absolutely nothing is going wrong - no intrigue, no villains, no invasions, no mysteries to solve.

After a few hours of looking around, they decide to take in a movie about vampires vs. werewolves starring Kate Beckinsale, Bill Nighy and Michael Sheen. Leela is frightened at first since she doesn't understand the concept of movies and thinks the people on screen are trapped in a cage. The Doctor explains how movies work and eventually she starts to enjoy it.

The Doctor, on the other hand, hates the vampire movie, and the last thing he says before roll credits is "I'm sure they'll never make a sequel to that."

timmdoolen

THE INVASION OF TIME

The Doctor.

A hospital again.

Grace Holloway again.

A surgical removal again; this time of a millenium clock!

Embarrassing destroyed x-rays. Again.

The Master wants the clock for some reason too!

Leela quits in absolute disgust, hitching a ride with the Master to Gallifrey, where she marries the first guard she claps eyes on in a desperate search for normality after all the weird *beep* she witnessed with the Doctor!

K9 has had enough too, worried that he might end up as the next x-ray.

The story ends with the Doctor unboxing a replacement "best friend" and beaming with delight.

Thankfully the season ends at this point.

THE RIBOS OPERATION

Grace Holloway operates again.

She is sick of writing "rammed into bottom of subject" endlessly, so abbreviates the sentence to stop herself getting repetitive strain injury.

On a positive note, after a cleanup the first segment of the Key to Time has been found.

Just five more to go!

Romana, the new companion, suspects that she won't need to use the tracer when it comes to locating them.




THE PIRATE PLANET

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7544915.stm

Somebody on Tarsus IV is intercepting the television transmissions of long lost Doctor Who episodes that are bouncing about in the nethersphere and flogging copies of them for big money.

Can the Doctor stop this blatant exploitation without being tempted to watch Power of the Daleks himself?

THE STONES OF BLOOD

To celebrate his one hundredth TV serial, the Doctor decides to get stoned. In other news, Romana actually provides a DOCTOR WHO story with a cliff-hanger.

Meanwhile, K9 II suffers catastrophic damage and is forced to regenerate - into K9 II. And you thought David Tennant actually did something original…

Romana: "What's it say?"

Doctor: "I don't know, I can't read the script."

Basically, the Doctor gets stoned, Romana hangs around for a while and K9 fall to bits in a crisis. It sounds to me like this TV story was in trouble from the very beginning. However, with everything I've just told you, plus a villainess called the Cessair of Dip *beep* what did you expect?

ant-mac

THE ANDROIDS OF TARA

Considering that Mary Tamm plays both Romana and Strella, as well as android doubles of each, this TV serial should have been called THE MARY TAMM SHOW. Anyway, the Doctor decides to go fishing and Tim Brook-Taylor shows up looking for his chair, due to the fact that Reynart stole it and is using it as his throne. It remains to be seen if Tim meets Tamm…

Meanwhile, due to K9’s complete uselessness, the Doctor considers replacing him with a hamster with a blunt penknife. This could be Hammy Hamster’s big opportunity. Does this mean that DOCTOR WHO will be renamed TALES OF THE RIVERBANK, or perhaps even ONCE UPON A HAMSTER? Tune in to find out the answer to this dramatic question - or not. It’s up to you. Personally, I think I might investigate further to find out if they make pleasure droids…

Who needs CP3O when you could have Mary Tamm instead. Or even two of them. And despite what Obi-Wan Kenobi might say, these are the droids I'm looking for...

ant-mac

THE POWER OF KROLL

American comedian Nick Kroll secretly attempts to take over the world by getting his sketch comedy TV series, KROLL SHOW, broadcast simultaneously in every country on the planet. His plan is that once his audience has fallen asleep from boredom, he can then hypnotise them and turn them into his obedient servants.

His plan appears to work perfectly. Unfortunately, at a critical stage in the hypnotising process, Nick stubs his toe, says a swear word I can’t repeat here - and causes the largest ecological disaster the world has ever seen.

Let’s see the Doctor get us out of this pile of *beep*

ant-mac

THE ARMAGEDDON FACTOR

http://www.mathsisfun.com/definitions/factor.html

The Doctor's stupidity with mathematics and his pocket calculator results in him destroying the entire universe.

Thank goodness one can find rebooted universes and reset buttons at the Moffats-R-us chain of shops.

 

[Doctor Omega]

DESTINY OF THE DALEKS

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=destiny&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi_io6jpfjNAhUFOBoKHdWLBKQQ_AUICSgC&biw=1517&bih=741&dpr=0.9

The Daleks get into online gaming in a big way.

But they don't half make your eardrums vibrate when squawking into their headsets.

https://doctoromegablog.files.wordpress.com/2016/09/f1678-wheeltroughtonheadset.jpeg

With so many Mona Lisas around the place, one has to wonder…

Is it THE DA VINCI CODE?

No.

Is it 2012?

No.

It’s…

CITY OF DEATH

The Doctor and Romana visit the Eifel Tower in Paris, luckily avoiding both Superman and James Bond. However, they still manage to bump into Basil Fawlty in a nearby art gallery…

Oh well…

By the way, when the Doctor, Romana and Duggan travel back in time four million years, to stop Scaroth from saving his spaceship from blowing up - thereby creating life on Earth - don’t they realize that they’re already several hundred million years too late? So what the hell are they so worried about?

Just wondering…

ant-mac

THE CREATURE FROM THE PIT

Ah yes… The classic DOCTOR WHO serial where our favourite Time Lord meets the time travelling wizard CATWEAZLE and then teaches all the young children watching that the best way to make friends with a strange looking alien is to give it a blow job. Well done. I can only imagine what Mary Whitehouse thought…

So what are the chances that this TV serial will ever be voted as the most popular one in the history of DOCTOR WHO? I’d say the odds are about 74,384,338 to 1.

Anyway, you might as well move along. There’s nothing to see here.

ant-mac

Nightmare of Eden

Former PM Anthony Eden visits Dr Grace Holloway for a brief check up. As she is performing this, she tells Eden about her many encounter with the Doctor.

For the next few nights his sleep is troubled and indeed wakes up screaming 'Not The Bottom!'

culfy

THE HORNS OF NIMON

The Doctor has a terrible cold and finds it very difficult to pronounce the letter "s".

He visits a friend called Simon.

Simon has a collection of "horns".

The Doctor is in seventh heaven!

Daphne Ashbrook appears yet again as Grace Holloway, although she complained to producers that she always ended up doing the same things when guesting.

SHADA

Grace appears YET AGAIN.

This is six episodes of her writing on a pad "Someone Has A Dilated Arse!"

In the end she can't be bothered writing the full sentence and just puts the initials instead.

This won the Golden Rose of Montreaux Award for Stupidest piece of Programming of 1979.

THE LEISURE HIVE

The Doctor, Romana and a watered down K9 are carried away to a massive bee hive called The Leisure Hive. There they find the leader Spangol acting like a complete brat talking about cloning and particle disintergration. Spangol then makes The Doctor get old and makes hundreds of Tom Baker's. A nightmare crisis ensures with hundreds of Toms complaining about actors, writing and dreary sets. One Tom Baker is bad enough. The real Doctor wanting a nice holiday throws Spangol's helmet at the transporter shouting "enough of this dreary prop" putting an end to nearly all Tom Bakers! A quick call to Spangol's mum brings her back to teach her badly behaved son on how to act nicely while The Doctor takes everyone to a trip to Brighton again because why not?

Meanwhile new producer John Nathan-Turner gives Tom the bad news he won't be required next season. Here's a snippet of Tom's reaction:

pt86

Meglos

The Doctor is introduced to to his main foe this episode - a cactus.

The Doctor tells JNT where he can stick it. So JNT does

Cue return of Doctor Grace.

Culfy

Full Circle

Not an episode - just the latest euphemism Doctor Grace uses.

Culfy

STATE OF DECAY

Not a story but a memorandum title, as Jonathan Powell sends down some notes about the show.

Warrior's Gate

Budget cuts begin to bite and the props and costumes for this episode are reduced to an old Scooby Doo knock off suit of armour, the Cowardly Lion costume from The Wizard of Oz. And a gate. A very nice gate but still nonetheless a gate.

Culfy

The Keeper of Traken

So to discuss this episode, let's head to the studio. Gary, what did you think of this episode.

Gary. Well I thought that the Traken lads, were, how would you put it, not playing as a team here. I mean the keeper right, should have been sharp, should have seen that Melkur coming but he flew straight past their defences and into the body of Tremas. I mean if they want to achieve championship, they need to tighten up that backline, otherwise, let's face it they'll be wiped out in the next story

Thank you Gary. And over to you Ron Manager

Ron. Ooh Doctor Who. Yes yes, Small boys in the park. Arms out for Daleks. Exterminate, exterminate. Oh yes...

etc.

culfy

LOGOPOLIS

The new neon DOCTOR WHO logo is being measured and polished in readiness for season 19.

Unfortunately, the letter H on the can of logo-polish is faded, causing more confusion than that pesky V'ger did.

Tom Baker demands the return of the diamond logo and is fired on the spot.

Thirty eight new companions join up so that we will hopefully not notice his disappearance from the show.

Some random actor who was just passing the studio is given Tom's role. Thankfully, this bloody vet also fulfils Nathan Turner's criteria of making JNT laugh in bed when it comes to his suitability in the role of the Doctor.

 

[Doctor Omega]