Review Not the WHO You Know!

Doctor Omega

Member: Rank 10
CASTROVALVA



Fidel Castro enters hospital to undergo emergency surgery. Apparently, he must have a damaged heart valve replaced. In Spanish, this is called a CASTROVALVA. Unfortunately, during the delicate surgery, he suffers from a severe recursive occlusion that causes him to repeat himself over and over again. Due to this, he must resign from the presidency of Cuba and spend the rest of his life drinking piña coladas on the beach whilst watching the gloriously gorgeous sunsets that Cuba has… Poor guy.

Meanwhile, the new Doctor, Peter Davison, arrives nearby. However, upon hearing a couple of beach goers talking about “the beard”, he flees in terror, thinking that the Master is still after him. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

ant-mac

FOUR TO DOOMSDAY

With his having watched the first Davison story, another memorandum from the sixth floor now arrives on the set.

Four seasons to improve.

Then that's it.

KINDA

Lingers.


A BBC strike results in four episodes of Not the Nine O clock News replacing Davision's next story.

Rowan Atkinson is praised for his non-portrayal of the Doctor.

THE VISITATION

The sixth floor pops down to the set while a story is being filmed.

Disparaging memos about celery and rubbish costumes soon follow, but JNT has got his blinkers on, still too busy saying "Stay tuned!" and chasing Barkers to hear the cloister bell going off.

BLACK ORCHID

An extremely embarrassing story in retrospect and one that the BBC have washed their hands of.

Even Gene Rodenberry called it apocryphal and said it was not part of the Trek canon, until somebody explained to him quietly that it was not part of the Trek canon anyway.

So what caused all this fuss?

Well, at the time JNT was making a big noise on the convention circuit about the new companion he was going to be introducing called Orchid, who would be the Doctor's first ever black companion.

JNT couldn't leave it there with his boasting and insisted that Saward actually put the word "black" in the title, showing off his p.c. credentials to a cringeworthy degree.

The fact that the character of Orchid was a plant, much like Meglos, was played by Beryl Reid and could barely move a centimetre did not help matters one whit.

This is one of a number of stories that Phillip Morris is hoping to lose in the near future.

EARTHSHOCK

The Tardis has landed.

They are on Earth.

Everybody is shocked.

Which is stupid really, but the scripts were like that then.

After buying some Blackpool rock and having some chips in a seaside cafe they depart, leaving Adric with some sailors who say that they will take good care of him.

The credits were silent on this story because they forgot to put the music on.

TIME-FLIGHT

An incredible Doctor Who story by Peter Grimwade, left on the bookshelf for a couple of years to gather dust. When Heathrow Airport passengers get lost in the Prehistoric Times dark ages all personnel immediately think it has to do with complete lack of security at the place. The Doctor arrives to tell everyone this is The Master's doing and with the help of some gay (very happy of course) plane crew they all travel back in time to locate the missing passengers so they don't miss their luggage arrivals. The Master meanwhile has disguised himself as a strange old hermit who stays in character even when no one is around (talk about method acting). The Doctor finds out The Master has secretly been working on a plot to destroy Heathrow with the help of their arch nemesis Gatwick Airport. Things can't get any worse when Adric appears and scares Tegan and Nyssa with his bad acting. Something about a contract...Will this nightmare ever end? The story ends with The Master being run over by the plane wheels as it takes off. Everyone is safe for now but the clock is still ticking. The Doctor decides to treat himself by jettisoning Tegan.

Will the passengers locate their luggage at Terminal 1? Will Tegan take that trip to Amsterdam to try out a new career working the streets? There's only room for one airport, which is it gonna be?

Pt86

ARC OF INFINITY

Tegan hoping to settle in her new role working the streets of Amsterdam discovers her cousin Colin has been sleeping with his friend Robin in a crypt. It turns out Robin's real name is Frank Spencer Jr. Frank delivers a creepy message to Tegan, "he won't be coming". He's kidnapped Colin and brought him before the Doctor's old nemesis Omega 3. The Doctor and Nyssa captured by the Gallifreyan High Council want The Castellan to try the mind probe. Can The Doctor save Tegan and her cousin while avoiding the Timelords, Frank Jr, Colin Baker who wants The Doctor's job as well as Omega 3 even though Omega 3 is supposed to be good for you. In small doses he is...in large doses he's...again, again, again ad nauseum!

Pt86

SNAKEDANCE

Is there really anything else I need to say?

I mean the jokes tell themselves.

Which saves me a lot of effort.

SNAKEDANCE... Heh, heh, heh...

Classic.

ant-mac

MAYWDRYN UNDEAD

The Tardis crew end up in the welsh village of Mawdryn Undead.

Nothing happens.

TERMINUS

In the unmade sequel, Terminus II: Judgment Day a now buff, kick-ass Nyssa leads the Terminus crew to victory against an evil cyborg sent by the company in retaliation for the Vanir rebellion.

AARON CAPEN BANNEN

Enlightenment

Actor Peter Davison has second thoughts, and chooses to reconsider his decision about leaving the series..

ACB

The King's Demons

In a deleted sequence from the ending, Kamelion decides to keep out of trouble by disguising himself as the hat stand, which works well for a while...

The Five Doctors

When Tom Baker decided not to reprise his role as the fourth Doctor, actor Colin Baker(Commander Maxil) showed up to fill in, thinking that one actor named Baker was much like another, but the production crew thought otherwise, and he was sent home quite disappointed...

Warriors Of The Deep

This troubled production was originally made more chaotic when angry fans left their school-sponsored BBC tour and cried out:

The continuity is all wrong, Silurians would never call their aquatic cousins the Sea Devils, Sea Devils, they're Eocenes!
&

What are you waiting for, use the bloody hexachromite gas on those invading reptiles!
Warriors of the Deep

The annual Doctor Who Christmas special in which the crew go all out for laughs and have the main enemy as a pantomime lizard monster with a bizarre karate kicking............no sorry guys it can't be done. It is literally impossible to think of anything more ridiculous for this episode than what actually happened

CULFY

The Awakening

Once again, the BBC was beset with angry letters from some viewers upset that a perfectly good church was destroyed to film a TV series.

ACB

Frontios

In another deleted sequence involving Kamelion, which did indeed reveal itself as the hat stand, saying "Hello everyone!" much to the colonists' surprise.

ACB

Resurrection Of The Daleks

Originally, the story was even more complicated when the Cybermen showed up too with their plan to kidnap Davros and use his genius in helping them conquer the Earth, but this even made writer Eric Saward too confused in his mind, and it was scrapped.

A pity really...

ACB

Planet Of Fire

In an alternate ending, as the Master was emerging to full size in the Nusmiton flame, he was to start singing his personalized version of the song Let It Go, which proved to be most ironic with the last lines being "Here I stand! and here I stay! My storm rages on, and I never did mind the heat anyway!... Wow that's hot!"

The Caves Of Androzani

Originally, the enemy was not to be Sharez Jek, but Commander Maxil, who had fled Gallifrey after going insane, but upon seeing the Doctor once again in his midst plotted to kidnap Peri and kill him. Sadly, actor Colin Baker took his role too seriously and really did try and kill Peter Davison, but once again failed, and was dragged off to an insane asylum, screaming how he'll be the Doctor one day! Instead, Colin was considered a prime candidate for a radical new virtual reality therapy where he was allowed to live out his fantasy of being the Doctor, and was heard saying, "I'm the Doctor now, whether you like it or not, and I'll fight Cybermen, Sontarans, the Master, Daleks, and will be the greatest ever!"

Peter Davison, having decided not to leave the show after all, continued on playing the fifth Doctor with Nicola Bryant at his side as Peri...

ACB
 
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Doctor Omega

Member: Rank 10
THE TWIN DILEMMA



The sixth Doctor and Commander Maxil go out together for a heavy night of drinking. However, they both wake up the next morning with amnesia, after consuming too many Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters the night before. It turns out that neither of them knows who’s who…

In far more interesting news, Peri has trouble with her bra… Will she ever be able to find one that fits properly and takes care of the “twins”?

Stay tuned.

ant-mac

ATTACK OF THE CYBERMEN

The Cybermen attack but nobody notices because the viewers are too upset at the realisation that The Twin Dilemma wasn't just an awful one off.

A new era for Doctor Who has started in earnest.

The Cybermen are trying to steal a painting called "Gallifrey Paula Moore", but no one is sure if it exists or who created it.

VENGEANCE ON VAROS

The Doctor, still confused and disoriented from his regeneration, decides to take revenge on one of his biggest nemeses ever - Davros. However, when he types into google, his dyslexia kicks in and he types in "Varos" instead.

This leads him to Greek poet and photographer Dimitris Varos. He finds Varos in Greece in the 2000s, and after Varos reads the Doctor some of his poetry, the Doctor begins strangling him, even though the Doctor knows full well he is no relation to Davros.

Peri finally stops the Doctor from strangling Varos reminding the Doctor that BDSM is "their" thing and not to do it with other men.

The story ends with The Doctor tied up in a web like he was in Arc of Infinity and Peri in a Dominatrix outfit with a whip.

TIMMDOOLEN

THE MARK OF THE RANI

A new Time Lady joins the ranks of DOCTOR WHO villains and brings her new toy boy - Mark Gatiss - with her.

However, the story does not end here. For such a harrowing experience leaves its mark upon someone so young and so innocent. For many years he would live with this unbearable burden, as it slowly ate away at his soul and gradually destroyed his very humanity. Later on in life, when he was no more than a withered husk of his former self, he would return to DOCTOR WHO to wreak his terrible vengeance upon the TV program, by writing several scripts for it!

However, despite all of this, let us just be glad that this serial did not go with the alternative title of ENTER THE RANI. I’m not sure if any of us would have survived the mental scarring that a story with that title could have inflicted upon us all…

ant-mac

THE TWO DOCTORS

Colin is putting on so much weight that Peri is starting to think that there are two doctors inside his coat.

TIMELASH

Peri can't find the Doctor.

It turns out that he has gone to visit Madame Vastra and is enjoying the benefits of her timelash, which is knocking years off the Doctor.

Peri finds out where this is thanks to a MV business card that he has stupidly left lying on the console.

Embarrassed at being caught out like this the Doctor makes his way back to the Tardis with Peri in a sullen silence.

REVELATION OF THE DALEKS

The Daleks reveal their latest plan to the Doctor near the very end of the story.

Then they realise that the Doctor has not arrived in the story yet because this is an Eric Saward script.

He does, however, manage to burst through the door just as the final credits crash in.

TRIAL OF A TIMELORD: THE MYSTERIOUS PLANET

The Doctor has been put on trial for bad acting and gluttony.

He appears doomed.

He is told that his only chance is to show some of his less rubbish adventures written under Saward.

Chillingly, the Doctor now knows that he IS doomed.

The first story appears...

The Doctor arrives on a planet, which is only mysterious because the script isn't finished so nobody knows where they are or what's going on.

Jonathan Powell plays the Doctor in this one, because he has the most sense out of anyone involved.

Trial of A Timelord - Mindwarp

In the second part of the never knowingly coherent Trial of Timelord arc, there is a bid to raise ratings by making the obligatory 'Song and Dance number'

So everybody ready...
One...two...three

It's astounding
Script's appalling
No-one has a clue
The show's still going
Not for very much longer
JNT's lost control
We remember
Watching the time lord
Swivelling our chairs around
In those trial scenes
The Valeyard's boring
So let's not watch Mindwarp again
Let's not watch Mindwarp again!

It's just a spin to the left...
And then a click to the right
You put your head in your hands
And close your eyes shut tight
'cos it's the baldy Peri that really drives you insane
Let's not watch Mindwarp again
Let's not watch Mindwarp again.

Well, I was flicking through the channels
From one to four
When Brian Blessed
Gave a sudden roar
Well it shook me up
It took me by surprise
He had a gorse bush beard
And the devil's eyes
He roared at me
And I felt a change
Doctor Who meant nothing
Never would again.

CULFY

TRIAL OF A TIMELORD: TERROR OF THE VERVOIDS

Both the Doctor and Mel have contracted a space age version of hemmeroids, called vervoids.

Mel is terrified, but the Doctor just eats more pizzas and tells her to go and investigate some deadly clues in the rubbish Murder Weekend rubbish that they are on.

He is disappointed that she is not killed and accidentally even saves her life at one point while scavenging for discarded food waste in bins destined for the furnace.

The Time Lords are unimpressed too.

He is now charged with saving Mel, when the universe wants her more dead than it did Edith Keeler, on top of everything else.

He starts to make an impassioned speech about how even Mel has a right to live when he stops, realising that the universe has got a point.

THE ULTIMATE FOE

As The Doctor gets pulled into quicksand JNT tries to figure out who the ultimate foe really is. He's been blaming Eric Saward all this time, turns out the ultimate foe is actually Michael Grade. JNT is powerless to stop him though as it also turns out Grade is a member of the Timelord Council! Having tended to Bob Holness on his deathbed Saward goes on a bitching rant blaming everyone except himself. Meanwhile The Doctor breaks free and returns to the Tardis so Mel can give him more carrot juice only to accidentally knock his head on the Tardis console in frustration with what he has to put up with. Grade not too happy with Baker's performance here hires a class clown to take over called Percy Kent-Smith.

PT86
 

Doctor Omega

Member: Rank 10


TIME AND THE RANI



Colin decides bollocks to it, he WILL take that offer of four episodes at the start of season twenty four after all.

Unfortunately Sylvester has also agreed to do the whole season already.

Colin turns up on location, grabbing a script off JNT, elbowing Sylvester out of the way and pulling his multicoloured coat of Kent-Smith.

Bonnie starts screaming at this unpleasant fight.

JNT has Colin dragged off the location and arrested.

Colin is bailed, but turns up at the studio filming and has a punch up with the brain at the end of the story, before going "Oh look! I'm regenerating!"

Everyone ignores him.

This was the awful moment when Gary Downie marched up to Colin and said. "You were *beep* Colin! You were always *beep* That's why nobody stuck up for you!"

Colin sobs in the wreckage of the brain.

JNT is so fed up at this point that he just leaves all of this awful footage in, claiming it is a multi-Doctor story, with a mentally ill Doctor Six meeting Doctor Seven.

Amazingly the public and fandom believe this and hail it as a classic and Colin's best performance in the role.

Meanwhile, for Percy Kent-Smith, the adventure continues...

PARADISE TOWERS

The Doctor and Mel arrive on an alien planet inhabited by a race of male porn stars all called John C Holmes - or Johnny Wadd. They were all 185 centimetres when erect and weigh exactly 66 kilograms - and that's just their private parts! The Doctor wishes to leave, but Mel wants to hang out at the swimming pool - hoping that all the guys will want to hang out there too - if you know what I mean…

Then the Doctor meets up with the all-girl Kangs and changes his mind. He decides that he wants to hang out at the swimming pool too. However, when Mel sees him do this, she vomits and goes back to her room in the TARDIS to sulk.

ant-mac

DELTA AND THE BANNERMEN

The Doctor and Mel try to take a trip to see Sarah-Jane Smith in Bannerman Road. Unfortunately they end up in Wales instead and forced to help tourists overcome bad Welsh accents, green army men, a bounty hunter whose part of a rock band, some CIA conspiracy theorists, a green alien baby who answers to Delta Sigma, an alien general who meats raw meat as well as...Ken Dodd. The Doctor realises next time he should have picked DisneyLand.

Dragonfire

In an attempt to widen Doctor Who's appeal to younger folk, Ian Briggs is asked to include a companion that 'the kids will relate to'

Enter Ace who describes herself as "a hep young cat" "grooving on down to far out sounds of Five Star - the popular beat combo" and calls the Doctor "like a total square daddio innit?"

So horrifying is this that it causes main villain Kane to melt on the spot, Mel to run off forever and even the Doctor has to hang off a wall by his umbrella as the only option of escaping that horrifying sound for even just a couple of seconds.

Guess who is the new companion?

CULFY

REMEMBRANCE OF THE DALEKS

A Doctor free, cheap filler story, as Sylvester is in hospital, having been beaten up by Colin Baker after leaving the studios on day one of filming.

Instead we are given a UNIT reunion down the pub, with the Brigadier going "Remember the Daleks? Splendid monsters, all three of them!" etc followed by loads of clips from DAY OF THE DALEKS.

Things get out of hand however as they get drunk and John Levene insists on wearing a nappy again, while Yates cross dresses in a vain attempt to revive his crappy GREAT T BAG Edinburgh fringe rubbish stage show that nobody really liked.

A disaster.

THE HAPPINESS PATROL

This deleted opening scene, showing Helen A's troops in action is now regarded as one of Classic Who's greatest moments.


Phillip Morris is desperately hoping to find the rest of the story.

SILVER NEMESIS

The Doctor is onboard Tardis and celebrating the silver anniversary of STAR TREK: NEMESIS with a special screening of the film.

Ace is not interested and is frankly bored throughout despite the Doctor raving about what a wonderful movie it is.

Paramount famously sued the BBC over this story because they thought it might be a fan production of some kind.

THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE GALAXY

Fearful of being sued over the NEMESIS debacle, this story is entirely devoted to the Doctor, and even Ace, saying what a wonderful series STAR TREK is.

Paramount drops the NEMESIS lawsuit as a result.

BATTLEFIELD

The Doctor decides that Ace is such an anomaly, that he sneaks back to her past and watches her family history, from when her parents met to when she grew up and left home.

Turns out she was a wild rock chick and her parents chucked her out for being so uncontrollable. He watches her skip town by hitching a lift out of city.

He then finds her in a cocktail bar having to deal with a sleazy pimp who won't leave her alone. Suddenly all the women in the bar turn into a dance troupe that Ace starts leading, as she throws a jug of martini in his face and starts singing of how "Love is a Battlefield".

In a cut scene, the Brigadier makes a cameo appearance and makes a terrible faux pas with the drenched pimp by unhelpfully offering him a blanket.

Strawberry Switchblade.

GHOST LIGHT

The Doctor and Ace decide to squat in an old house but get evicted by the new owners, a ghost made out of light. To deal with this issue The Doctor and the ghost decide to talk about human evolution even though the Doctor isn't human. Before they can finish their discussion the ghost vanishes once the electricity finally goes off, Ace hasn't been paying the electricity bill. Doesn't really matter as Ace realises she commits arson in 100 years time so all they need to do is go forward in time and collect the insurance!

Pferreira86

THE CURSE OF FENRIC

The Tardis lands in an old village called Hobbledon Coy, where there is only one survivor called Mister Fenric, who simply keeps repeating the same swear word over and over again.

One that rhymes with "hat".

Loudly.

At the top of his voice.

For four excrutiating episodes.

The rest of the story comprises of Ace seducing an entire squad of soldiers one by one using rubbish dialogue that doesn't make any sense.

In the end the Doctor and Ace leave, giving up on the mystery.

Mister Fenric even swears endlessly over the otherwise silent end credits.

This is the last straw for the BBC and they state that the next story will be the last ever one.




SURVIVAL

In the last ever screened Doctor Who story Ace shows the Doctor around Perivale but apart from getting mugged in store by Hale & Pace there's nothing much to do. When cats start disappearing into another dimension because Whiskers is obviously popular there both our heroes (Ace and Doctor, not Hale & Pace obviously) venture forth into the unknown. There Ace meets with her old gang while the Doctor encounters The Master who's been trafficking cats...big ones! Will this craziness ever stop?

As Midge would say "just the start Midge...just the start." The Master makes it back to Earth with Midge on a leash and everyone else follows. What else could possibly happen? The Master doing a Jedi Mind Trick on Midge, Ace encountering a young Adele Silva from Emmerdale, Midge recruiting a boy band to help him take over the Earth, Roald Dahl's son in law aiding the Doctor, furry love between Ace and a cat as well as a motorbike face-off near a ditch.

Jonathan Powell finishes watching this story and when offered to bring DW back for another year says "no I don't think so". If the viewers can survive this crazy finale they can survive anything. Meanwhile Doctor Who fans go crazy at the thought of no more of the show. Don't worry as the Doctor suggests at the end let's have some tea before it gets cold..

Pferreira86
 
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Doctor Omega

Member: Rank 10
DIMENSIONS IN TIME

David Roden stands pacing up and down in a darkly lit room filled with index cards placed all over the walls, each neatly placed and held to the wall with different colored push pins.

Jonathan Nathan-Turner walks in the door. The air from outside blows some of the cards but they stay firmly fastened to the wall.

JNT: "How's it going?

David: "I've done it John. I've come up with a story that beautifully intertwines the five living doctors, pays respectful homage to Hartnell and Troughton, and manages to give meaningful roles to all 10 companions who are joining us. I've even got a great battle scene with the Daleks that will knock your socks off. All in 20 minutes! Pretty amazing if you think about it."

JNT peruses the index cards, with characters, scene numbers and descriptions written on each one.

JNT: "Look, I've got 2 things to change here."

David: "OK, I hope nothing major."

JNT: "First, we can't use the Daleks. Terry Nation won't give us the rights, even for a charity show."

David: "Hmm, OK. Well, we have the Rani, the Cybermen, the Ogrons, the Sea Devils.... I think getting rid of the Daleks should be OK."

JNT: "Oh that's good to hear. The second thing is, uh, you may want to sit down for this."

David; "It's OK. Just tell me."

JNT: "We need to make this a crossover with EastEnders."

David's smile suddenly fades. He stands in shock, staring for a few minutes.

David: "I heard the words but I don't understand."

JNT: "The Children in Need people would love for this to include the EastEnders characters - it's a huge hit for the BBC whereas Doctor Who is barely remembered now four years after it's been off the air."

Long pause with David staring blankly at JNT.

David: "You're *beep* kidding me. The EastEnders will be in a Doctor Who story?"

JNT: "Relax. It's for charity. No one will notice."

David points to his beautifully arranged index cards.

David: "I have been busting my bollocks to make this nuanced, beautiful tribute to Doctor Who, and you want to insert a bunch of random soap opera characters into it for no logical reason?"

JNT: "Don't get your knickers twisted. Just change a few names. Have the story take place in the East End. Et cetera."

David starts losing it.

David: "No, you are not going to ruin what I have written. I forbid it!"

David goes ballistic and begins tearing down all the index cards en masse, ripping some in half, throwing everything everywhere. His rampage lasts well over 30 seconds and when he is finished there is a huge mound of index cards and fragments in a mound on the floor. He looks at the pile with a tear in his eye and storms out.

JNT: "Well, that didn't go well."

JNT gets on the floor and begins sweeping all the index cards together as best he can. After a few minutes he managed to get a stack of cards and torn cards piled up. He files through them.

JNT: "Well, this doesn't make any sense at all now. I can't tell what the hell is going on anymore."

He looks out the open door and yells.

JNT: "Bobbby! Get in here now!"

A young fresh-faced intern pops in the door. JNT hands him the mess of index cards.

JNT: "Bobby, do me a favor. Take these, type them up into a script. Remove the Daleks and add some EastEnders characters. Be a good lad then."

Bobby: "As you wish, sir!"

JNT: "And Bobby, make sure I get the 'story by' and cowriter credit. Thanks lad."

..............

And that's how we got any version (real or alternate reality) of Dimensions in Time.

TIMMDOOLEN


fa345324ab011b52ca27d3643c42c037--neon-signs-design-logos.jpg



of CLASSIC WHO....



Yes, where is McGann?

He seems to be lost in a sodding time vortex..

Perhaps he will return in an all new, NOT NEW WHO thread?
 
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