Catweazle is alone in the woods picking berries, he stops, a sad look on his face.
C " 9 days Touchwood and still the young sorcerer comes not, I choke in this unknown world. A fish out of water Touchwood
(looking)...Touchwood...Touchwood where art thou?"
Geoffrey Bayldon is Catweazle.
Touchwood, Catweazle's toad is on the ground at Hexwood Farm, in the middle of the yard. A schoolboy in uniform rides into the yard, not Carrot, but a kid named Arthur. He sees toad and stares down at it. Carrot also in school uniform rides in.
A " hey look at this bloody great frog"
Ct " frog?...that's a toad "
Carrot recognises it and tries to pick it up, Arthur grabs it pushing Carrot over, and runs towards the barn.
Ct ( shouts) " what d'you think you're doing "
Carrot enters barn, Arthur is sitting on bale of hay with Touchwood.
Ct " come on hand it over"
A " not likely, I saw it first"
Ct " please"
A " no I want him"
Ct " what for?"
A ( grinning) " experiments "
Robin Davies is Carrot.
George Bennett and Sam are at the other end of the yard, Sam attending to Lulu the tractor.
G " boys should be back soon, I wonder if teas ready."
S " boss I know it's none of my business, but are they going to be here for long?"
G " well now it's term time, I've got to have someone to look after the house. You just have to grab who you can get these days. You don't like her do you?"
S " well it's not just the way she talks to me, that's just plain ignorant. But I reckon she's got a funny look about her. My mum's cousin had a horse that looked liked that, we had to shoot it!"
Bud Tingwell is George, Neil McCarthy is Sam.
In the barn,
Ct " look Arthur I'll buy him off you"
A " no dice, it's not for sale, it's my frog"
Ct " ten bob"
A " how much ?"
Ct " ten bob"
A " you ain't got ten bob, Mum said you Bennetts have got nothing except for the farm, and that's falling to bits"
Ct " then why did you come here then"
A " wasn't for choice I'll tell you that. You're stuck up you are, and so is your Dad"
Arthur a seemingly nasty boy, picks Touchwood up by the back legs and bounces him up and down in the air.
Ct " don't do that!"
A " frogs can't feel anything, they're cold blooded "
Ct " how about my telescope "
A " what d'you mean?"
Ct "you can have it if you give me Touchw...the toad, and ten bob"
A " you're barmy "
Ct " I mean it, well?"
A " done...here "
Carrot takes Touchwood and runs off.
Freddie Foote is Arthur.
In the farmhouse kitchen, George is at the dining table and his new housekeeper Mrs Skinner plonks a plate of food down in front of him. She is a rather severe looking woman.
G " thank you Mrs Skinner, yes it's just what Carrot's needed, someone of his own age living on the farm."
Sk " you'll find Arthur is such a helpful boy, ever so conscientious "
G " how's he getting on at school?"
Sk " hard to say after one week, he's so shy , takes after me of course. All very sensitive in our family, especially my brother although we don't get to see poor Sid that often"
George isn't eating the food in front of him.
Sk " do you like black pudding?"
G " erm...yes very nice"
George tentatively starts the meal.
Patricia Hayes is Mrs Skinner.
Arthur enters dining room,
G " hello Arthur "
A " Mr Bennett "
G " glad school is over for the week?"
A " oh yes"
G " where's Carrot?"
A " don't know Mr Bennett, I told him it was tea time and everybody would be waiting "
Sk " such a good boy"
A " I tried to make him come with me but he just ran off"
G " did he?"
The smirking lying sod sits down!
Mrs Skinner gets the food for her Arthur as Carrot walks in.
Ct " sorry I'm late" ( he sits)
A grimacing Mrs Skinner has to get up to get Carrot's food, which she bangs down in front of him.
A " where d'you put him Eddie?"
Ct " that's my business "
G " put what?"
A " Eddie found a frog by the gate"
Ct ( shouts) " stop calling it a FROG, IT'S A TOAD "
G " you'll have to do something about your temper my lad"
Sk " temper temper "
A " I found him really but Eddie's given me his telescope for it, and ten bob"
G " for a toad! Whatever for?"
A " just didn't want me to have it did you Eddie "
Carrot grabs Arthur by the lapel with one hand while clenching fist with the other.
G " CARROT THAT'S ENOUGH. Go to your room"
Carrot leaves glaring at Arthur.
Sk " are you alright dear"
A " yes I think so"
Sk " I can't have your son bullying Arthur like that, you know he isn't strong "
G " he won't Mrs Skinner I'll see to that "
Arthur gets up,
G " where are you going Arthur?"
A " to see Eddie "
G " I'd leave him alone for a while if I were you"
A " well I'd like to find out why I've upset him"
G " got more patience than I have."
The smirking Arthur enters Carrot's room.
A " I've come for my telescope and the ten bob"
Carrot hands them over,
Ct" get out of my room"
A " what are you going to do with it Eddie?"
Ct " what?"
A " the frog"
Ct " that's my business "
A " take it to your hideout?"
Ct " what d'you mean"
A " in the woods somewhere isn't it "
Ct " I haven't got a hideout "
A " yes you have, Sam said you have, says you're always going off somewhere in the holidays. Said you'd take me along"
Ct " look you've got the telescope, now get out"
A " alright I can take a hint, you think you're so high and mighty, but I'll show you, you see if I don't "
Outside in farmyard Arthur is hiding behind wall, as Carrot comes out of house. Carrot opens his school satchel, Touchwood is inside, he gets on his bike and pedals off.
Mrs Skinner enters living room,
Sk " Mr Bennett can I have a word , that is if you're not busy of course "
G " no Mrs Skinner what is it?"
Sk " I don't want anymore unpleasantness you see, and I don't think we can stay on if there's going to be anymore trouble . I don't think my nerves could stand it"
G " Mrs Skinner, Carrot's a good boy really "
Sk " I've had rather a lot of trouble in my life, with my husband going off and all"
G " please Mrs Skinner it'll be all straightened out"
Inside Castle Saburac, Catweazle's water tank home he is agitated as he searches for Touchwood.
C " oh Touchwood where art thou, thy crawling belly ache."
Carrot descends ladder,
C " ah, tis the boy"
Catweazle opens his book of spells and nonchalantly hums, pretending not to have missed Carrot, who places Touchwood on the opened book.
Ct " here"
C ( delighted) " Touchwood!"
Ct " he was at the farm. You owe me ten bob and a telescope "
C( to Tw) " scallion, why did thou stray"
Ct " if he's going to wander off, (laughs) you better get him a lead"
C " where has thou been "
Ct " schools started again "
C " has thou brought more firesticks?"
Ct " you never listen do you, I said school started again. And we've got the Skinners "
C " tis a plague?"
Ct " I'll say, I wish I knew how to get rid of it "
C " has thou no cure"
Ct " it's people Catweazle "
C " oh....there's no cure for people "
Ct "Dad's new housekeeper and their son, a couple of creeps"
C " they creep!?"
Ct " I'd just like Dad to hear what they say behind his back, he'd soon chuck them out "
C " let us plague them with demons "
Ct " I think the demons would get the worst of it , well I better get back"
C " thou has changed my brother "
Ct " school uniform yeah, it's just that the holidays are over "
C " nay , the days of holly are yet to come "
Ct " I'll try and get here tomorrow "
C " thou will not forget the firesticks "
Ct " if I can make it"
C " thou will bring bananas?"
Suddenly a noise is heard, someone is climbing up ladder into tank.
Ct " quick hide!"
Arthur climbs down into tank,
A "said I'd find you didn't I "
Arthur looks disgustingly at surroundings Catweazle hidden from view.
A " what a dump, what d'you want to come up here for? I'm going to tell your Dad about this right now. This is the end of your little hideout mate "
Arthur and George next morning are on the tractor, Carrot looking miserable as sin, Arthur a smirk on his face. Sam in his old banger of a car drives into yard for another days work.
S " morning Mr Bennett "
G " morning Sam"
S " morning Carrot "
S " what's up with him?"
G " he's in disgrace, know where he's been going?"
S " no where?"
G " up in the old water tank"
S " he ain't!?"
A " Arthur caught him up there last night"
S " well it ain't safe, you ought to thank your lucky stars it didn't come down around your head"
G " exactly, apparently he's been using it as a hideout all summer"
S " I tell you what , I've got a 6 foot plank, I'll lash it to the bottom, stop anyone going up there"
G " good idea, come on Arthur let's go"
The tractor sets off , George turns to Carrot.
G " as far as you're concerned the woods are out of bounds"
Sam goes into the barn, Carrot follows.
S " I thought you had more sense than to choose a place like that"
Ct " what are you going to do Sam?"
S " I'm going to make sure no one else can get up there"
Ct "do you have to do it now?"
S " well you heard your Dad, now where did I put that plank"
Sam leaves barn, Carrot is about to follow when he hears croaking, Touchwood?
Ct " Touchwood?"
Ct " Catweazle, what are you doing here?"
C " I've come to avenge Touchwood, where is the young snake ?"
Ct " helping Dad, his mum's in the kitchen getting breakfast "
C " tis well"
Catweazle hand Carrot a milk bottle with a brownish liquid in it.
C " see"
Ct " what is it?"
C " the wisdom of Solomon "
Ct ( sniffing)" pongs a bit"
C " tis as thou wished, thy father shall see them as they are. Give them a drink of this and they will speak from their black hearts "
Ct " it's not poisonous?"
C " nay, it will draw out their poison, now I shall return to my castle "
Ct " no you can't, you can never go back"
C " never go back"
Ct " you couldn't get up there, Sam's fixing the ladder so no one can get up "
C ( exasperated) " nothing works! Where can I go"
Ct " the hayloft is about the only place, it's a bit risky but we'll have to chance it"
The sound of the returning tractor is heard Carrot runs out.
Carrot hides the bottle behind his back as George and Arthur return, and get down off the tractor.
G " just showing Arthur around "
Ct " can I help"
G " no, and stop moping about, go and give Mrs Skinner a hand with breakfast, we'll be about 5 minutes "
In the kitchen Mrs Skinner is beating eggs in a bowl when Carrot walks up to her.
Sk " what do you want? Don't stand there staring, I can't bear it"
Ct " I've come to help you Mrs Skinner "
Sk " that's a change, where's Arthur "
Ct " he's helping Dad"
Sk " is he indeed, your father expects a lot from us I must say....well go on, lay the table."
Carrot gets cutlery out of drawer and opens fridge and takes out bottle of orange juice.
In the dining room he pours juice into each glass.
Then picks up Catweazle's potion in the milk bottle. From the kitchen Mrs Skinner calls out,
Sk " by the way Edward, you know that turtle of yours"
Ct " it's not a turtle it's a tortoise "
Sk " well whatever it is, it's not very hygienic keeping it in your bedroom, I've put it in the cellar "
Carrot pours potion in the glass meant for Mrs Skinner but before he pours some for Arthur, Mrs Skinner comes in, Carrot quickly hides bottle.
Sk " it's ready, go and call them in"
Carrot goes into yard ,
Ct " Dad Arthur breakfast ready"
At the dining table,
G ( sniffing milk jug) " oh dear"
Sk " something wrong?"
G " I'm sorry but this milk seems to have turned "
Mrs Skinner sniffs it and agrees,
Sk " oh dear..right I'll get some more"
George picks up his orange juice and drinks, Mrs Skinner returns with fresh milk.
G " er....I don't think I want any cornflakes now after all"
Mrs Skinner bangs jug down on table trying to stay calm.
Sk " would you like more orange juice, I don't much care for the stuff myself "
Mrs Skinner hands George her glass of juice, the doctored one, Carrot with look of horror as his Dad puts glass towards mouth.
G " oh that erm black pudding that was good"
He realises the emphasis might imply nothing else she's cooked was good.
G " I mean ...that was good"
Sk ( to Arthur) " would you like your eggs dear"
A " yes Mum"
G " I'd like mine too if I may"
George is about to drink juice, when Carrot desperate for a diversion knocks his glass of juice over table.
G " you clumsy fool"
Ct " sorry Dad"
G " get a cloth"
George now sniffs at glass of juice,
Sk " what is it now?"
G " I'm not sure"
Mrs Skinner takes glass and drinks the lot!
Sk " it all comes from the same bottle you know, nothing wrong with it at all "
In the barn Catweazle is jubilant,
C " now thou enchanted be, let thy crooked tongues wag thee"
Mrs Skinner puts a plate of scrambled eggs in front of George, it looks revolting and runny.
G " er...I'm sorry Mrs Skinner but suddenly I don't feel hungry "
Mrs Skinner picks up her empty glass and hurls it across room smashing against wall and let's rip.
Sk " MEN! YOU GREAT BULLY. YOU THINK YOU'RE LORD OF THE MANOR DON'T YOU"
G " look here Mrs Skinner "
A " I think she's having one of her turns"
Arthur looks flustered.
Sk " YES, YOU'D HAVE HIM DOWN THE MINES IF YOU COULD, DOWN THE MINES"
G " eh ?"
Sk " I'VE WORKED MY FINGERS TO THE BONE FOR YOU "
G " don't be ridiculous you've only been here a week"
A " Mum please "
Sk ( to Arthur)" Shut up, ( to George) so now I'm ridiculous am I?"
Carrot is trying hard not to laugh.
G " you better go and calm down Mrs Skinner "
Sk " I AM PERFECTLY CALM"
George stands up,
Sk " KEEP AWAY FROM ME, YOU DARE TOUCH ME AND I'LL GO STRAIGHT TO THE POLICE "
G " you're hysterical "
Sk " how dare you, it's as well for you Arthur isn't a little bit bigger"
A " what!!"
Sk " DON'T ANSWER BACK "
A " I didn't say anything "
Sk " YOU DID YOU DID"
G " I've had enough of this "
Sk " YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH, I'VE HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH "
G " YOU BETTER GO"
SK " DON'T WORRY I'M GOING. I'M NOT STAYING HERE A MOMENT LONGER. Come on Arthur, poor little boy. You wait till my sister in Margate hears of this. Poor Arthur, never would have brought you here if I'd known we'd be treated like this "
They leave, Carrot mustn't laugh, his Dad looks annoyed in the extreme.
Ct " what are you going to do Dad?"
G " get them out of here as soon as possible "
Carrot runs into barn excitedly, Catweazle eager for news.
Ct " we did it, we did it "
C " we are avenged?"
Ct " they're already packing, it's fantastic "
C " their tongues were loosened?"
Ct " you're not kidding, what's in that stuff?"
C " pennycress, bloodroot, toadflax, and wormwood "
Ct " no wonder it worked, got all your bits and pieces?"
C " aye my brother "
Ct " I'll take you to your new castle "
Catweazle with his sack of belongings follows Carrot across farmyard to ladder on the side of barn leading to hayloft. Carrot goes first,
Catweazle hand his sack up to Carrot as he climbs ladder, but slips and falls into water tank next to barn. Catweazle is submerged for a second or two, then stands up in tank. Sam walks into yard, Carrot pops his head into barn out of Sam's eyeline. Catweazle suddenly disappears !! Winks out view, for a second or two , then comes back.
Catweazle " winks" out of view again, as Sam turns the corner and walks passed the tank, Catweazle then winks back into view again. Carrot pops his head out of hayloft hatch , then down ladder and helps Catweazle out of tank and into loft.
Catweazle sits mesmerised, as if in a trance, then snaps out of it
Ct " are you alright, did Sam see you?"
C " water always water"
Ct " what d'you mean?"
C " the Earth, the sky , all was water. There was a moment my brother, such a moment, I was alone, the Earth melted away"
Ct " don't worry everything's alright, we got rid of them, I'll be back"
Carrot climbs down into yard and runs up to Sam.
Ct " SAM SAM THEY'RE GOING "
S " Who?"
C ( shouting joyfully )" the Skinners, they're going"
Alone in the hayloft Catweazle strokes his beloved toad,
C " a fish out of water Touchwood, a fish out of water....water...( suddenly realising)..of course, thou fool Catweazle, thou fool, Earth, Fire and WATER, there lies thy magic, there lies our way home!"
Catweazle laughs joyfully, the way home is clear to him now. THE END
Catweazle, a magician of black arts from 1066, trapped in 1970 England, befriended by Carrot, a boy living with his dad on a farm, finally believes he has found the way to get home. Recently two events have changed Catweazle's immediate future. He has lost his water tower home in the woods...