Toast Of London s01e05 The End

michaellevenson

Member: Rank 8
Background: Steven Toast , an actor, and not a very good one desperately continues to look for work. His agent is the neurotic Jane Plough, he resides as a lodger with fellow actor Ed Howser- Black and often has to do voice over work in the nearby Scramble Studios, close to his home in central London.
Matt Berry is Steven Toast;
 

michaellevenson

Member: Rank 8
Toast is in Scramble Studios doing a voice over, his voice often used in radio ads or as a Sat Nav guide voice. He sits in a soundproof studio, headphones on, the staff look on from behind glass.
Toast ( into mic) " the new TS4, it's the car that literally goes verooooom"
The studio head honcho, Danny Bear, flicks a switch in front of him to speak to Toast.
DB " great Steven. Before you go there's a little something else that's come in, do you mind?"
T " what is it?"
DB " a charity concert"
Another guy next to Danny speaks.
CF " Steven this is Clem Fandango, can you hear me ?"
T " yes, I can hear you Clem Fandango"
CF " it's a charity concert"
T " he just f***ing said that you doughnut"
DB " script's in front of you sir, whenever you're ready"
T ( reading) " here is your chance to experience Bon Jervee up close and personal. ( to guys) I've no idea what that meant, I assume it's a pop group or dance craze"
DB " spot on, if you could read the next bit Steven"
CF " this is Clem Fandango, can you hear me Steven"
T " go on Clem Fandango"
CF " just read the next bit please"
T " you're a f***ing star aren't you boy, (reading) where else can you see Bon Jervee, madam gergar and the cold play under one roof"
The two boys are desperately trying not to burst into fits of laughter at Toast's pronunciation. It's all a set up, they are making him look foolish.
DB " thanks Steven, see you next time"
T " I certainly hope not"
Shahid Latif and Tim Downie are Fandango and Bear:
 
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michaellevenson

Member: Rank 8
In Wardour Street, central London , Toast is in the office of his agent, Jane Plough. On the wall she has a framed photo of all her clients including Toast. She has a new photo to hang up, actress Sookie Houseboat, a brunette thirty something.
T " Sookie Houseboat?"
J " yes, just come on board, been trying to get her for ages"
T " mmmm, I could do with some of that, Sookie Houseboat. I could really get into that"
J " Toast please, I have no wish to hear of your carnal desires"
T " sorry Jane , it's the weather makes my blood pressure rise. I call it the summer swell. Today on the underground I had to loosen my belt"
J " if you go on Toast I will be sick, physically sick"
T " what have you got for me?"
J " a role in Doctor Who"
T " you can f*** that sky high, not after last time"
Scene from Dr Who;
Fourth Doctor is talking to three green skinned one eyed aliens on their ship.
Dr " would you fancy a jelly baby?"
Alien 1 ( weird alien voice) " we grow tired of your antics Doctor"
Alien 2 ( weird voice) " yes, a dissection of his brain will be useful to us , take him to the laboratory"
Alien 3 ( Toast's voice) " ya, right"
Toast to Jane " It could have been anyone in that mask, I felt a top arsehole"
J " well that's it I'm afraid"
T " I'm not too happy Jane, I'm thinking of broadening my horizons"
J " thing is Toast you don't have any horizons"
T ( thinks to himself)- that's what you think Jane Plough, but there's more to Steven Toast than meets the eye.
J " it's pronounced Pluff, as in the football manager Brian Clough, as you well know Toast"
T ( thinks)- that's strange she seemed to read my thoughts just then.
J" now bugger off Toast, some of us have work to do......now"
Doon Mackichan is Jane Plough;
 
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michaellevenson

Member: Rank 8
At his home he shares with Ed Howser-Black, Toast is in the kitchen busy at his laptop as Ed in dressing gown comes in. Ed notices on the laptop screen - Another Wife For Henry by Paloma Toast.
Ed " what's this file Toast?"
T " my new novel Ed"
Ed " using a nom de plume?"
T " yes, I've been working on it for weeks. I'm just pissed off with doing voice overs, and I'm thinking of getting a new agent. Do you know Brooke Hooberman?"
Ed " heard of her, David Bowie told me he was going to sign for her when he was doing The Elephant Man on Broadway, then he went back to the pop business"
T " well she's a hard faced American bastard, that's who I really need. She's in town and she's agreed to meet me"
Ed " so your novel, sexy is it?"
T " it's a cross between Hilary Mantel 's Wolf Hall and 50 shades of grey"
Ed " 50 shades has to be my favourite book of all time"
T " it's terrific, and like that my heroine is a strong willed feminist who won't be bossed around by anyone"
Ed " so what's the story about?"
T " I can read you some if you like"
Ed " yes please"
T ( reading) " Henry the Eighth placed his toothbrush besides Stephanie's, his a royal blue, hers luminous pink. How splendid they looked side by side in the silver goblet he gave her for Valentines day 1541, oh if only we could live together he thought remembering the time they made love in the shed where the bows and arrows are kept for the archery tournament"
Ed " so how does it end"
T " I was thinking it might not need an end"
Ed " don't think I've ever read a book without an end"
T " I'm experimenting with a new literary form"
Ed " so you're going to send it to various publishers?"
T " already done, and I think the fact it doesn't have an end will work in my favour. I'm very excited Ed"
Ed " any replies"
T " none, but I'm hoping Hooberman will give it a push for me"
Ed " well done Toast, things are looking up for you at last"
T " I hope so"
Robert Bathurst is Ed;
 
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michaellevenson

Member: Rank 8
Toast is in the back of a parked car with Brooke Hooberman, a theatrical agent, hard faced indeed, she has over botoxed her face, and she has no facial muscle movement at all, and speaks without moving her lips.

BH " there's always openings in Hollywood for British actors, chauffeurs, butlers, that kind of shit"
T " that's what I like to hear"
BH " sorry about meeting you in a car, my office isn't quite ready"
T " I'm also diversifying into novel writing. I hear you have strong contacts in the literary world"
BH " I do know a publisher actually called Yvonne Riley, just recovered from a nervous breakdown, but she's back, if she likes a book she really gets behind it. I'll give her a call"
T " does this mean you're taking me on as a client?"
BH " do you have representation now"
T " I'm with someone who's as old as the pyramids and as dynamic as a weather forecast"
Brooke's phone rings;
BH " excuse me, an old friend calling, Jane Plough, do you know her?"
T( mutters) " shit"
Carol Cleveland is Brooke Hooberman;
 
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michaellevenson

Member: Rank 8
In " The Colonial" drinking club Toast is chatting to a young Indian lady.
T " it was embarrassing really, but Hooberman promised not to tell Jane"
Girl " who is Jane exactly?"
T " she's my agent"
Girl " so you're some sort of actor"
T " not some sort of actor, I am an actor ,Steven Toast"
K " Kate Kahn"
T " Kate is in my top twenty female names, number 18 actually"
Sitting on a stool next to them is a oldish Indian lady in a sari, sunglasses, staring ahead"
T " who's this?"
K " my aunt Deepa, don't worry about her she's deaf and blind"
T " Deaf AND blind, a bit of a fiasco there. What she doing here?"
K " she likes a night out, once a month I come to London and look after her, give my mum a break. Want to come back to my place Toast?"
Indira Joshi is Deepa;
 
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michaellevenson

Member: Rank 8
Back at Kate's place, she and Toast are in bed, having full sex.
K " aarrgh, yes, yes oohh,"
T " oh wow, yes, arrgh,, you don't mind I'm wearing my sports vest?"
K " no, aarrhh, give it to me, oh yes"
Suddenly Toast stops, looks over at Deepa sitting staring at them.
K " what's the matter Toast?"
T " your aunt Deepa, it's a little disconcerting, are you sure she doesn't know what is going on?"
K " absolutely, deaf and blind"
T " does she have to be in the bedroom"
K " yes, so I can keep an eye on her. Come on Toast, give it to me again"
T " yes yes! Aargh"
K " oh aargh, wow yes"
Chetna Pandya is Kate;
 

michaellevenson

Member: Rank 8
Publisher Yvonne Riley is in her office swigging down about a dozen pills, a recovering alcoholic and nervous breakdown patient, Toast enters, after introductions they chat.
Yv " wow, what a book Steven. It's one of the best books I've ever read. Sexier than 50 shades and just better than any of Mantel's books. Hilary is a friend, but can she write female characters, I don't think so, but you've created this wonderfully strong female character in Stephanie de Swasson"
T " and you're not concerned that she's a columnist in a left wing newspaper?"
Yv " okay they probably didn't have a paper like The Guardian in the sixteenth century, but who cares, we just have to go with it because the character is so brilliant. She doesn't take any shit from Henry the eighth, totally in control of that situation, obviously the dominant partner"
Yvonne picks up a piece of artwork to show Toast. A facsimile of what his book cover could look like, a picture of Toast cross dressing in 16th century clothes, the artwork about two foot by one foot large.
Yv " the art department have put this together for the cover"
T " where the f*** did you get that picture of me?"
Yv " it's just a demonstration Steven, we can do better than this I'm sure. The book won't look like this"
T " but it will be that size?"
Yv " er....no, the important thing is that we're really going to sell this book. Heavy ads in cinema and tv and all the trade papers. I can really see this book being the biggest seller of all time. We'll have a celebrity lunch for the launch of the book. Do you have a partner Steven?"
T " not exactly though I'm having sex with an Indian lady at present, though it's complicated by a third party"
Yv " I can get you an A list Hollywood actress to accompany you"
T " great"
Yv " I'll contact Brooke with the details. We might even get Trump to attend. We're so excited Steven, we're going to make millions, as soon as you've finished it"
T " I thought I had finished it"
Yv " no, it needs an end"
T " I thought I could get away without one."
Yv " absolutely not, who told you that, Ben Elton?"
T " who?"
Yv " it needs an end, we have to find out what happens to Stephanie. Don't worry Steven I'm sure you can do it, maybe a paragraph or even a single line"
T " okay I'll think of one"
Yv (standing) " thank you for writing the greatest book of all time"
They shake hands, Toast jauntily leaves the building.
Sally Dexter is Yvonne Riley;
 

michaellevenson

Member: Rank 8
Back home Toast is reading a clip from his novel to Kate, Deepa is also there in the kitchen staring blankly .
T " Henry the eighth felt hot that day and not just because the sun was beating down on the ramparts of Hampton court Palace. Stephanie began to undress for her monarch, Henry responded by loosening his armour"
K " wow Toast, that's got me going, lets go upstairs"
In the bedroom they have sex again.
K " oh yes, argh"
T " this is superb stuff, great sex"
K " you're really delivering the goods today Toast"
Toast notices Deepa sitting there with a mobile phone in her hand, pointing it at them.
T " your aunt seems to be filming us having sex"
K " come on Toast she's just playing with her phone, I told you she can't see or hear anything"
T " if she's deaf and blind why does she need a camera phone?"
K " get real Toast all phones have cameras these days. ( getting up), I'm going to the bathroom"
Kate leaves Toast dresses, then he faces Deepa.
T " I wonder if you really are deaf and blind"
He puts his face up close to hers ,
T ( shouts) " hey you, HEY, (clapping) come on hey!"
No response, he then drops his trousers.
T " bet you haven't seen one of these before"
Kate returns,
K " what the hell are you doing to aunt Deepa!!!?"
Relationship over!
 

michaellevenson

Member: Rank 8
Next morning Toast is at his laptop working when Ed comes in.
Ed " still working on the novel Toast, must be nearly ready if you don't need an end"
T " looks like I'll need an end after all, publisher lady
thinks it's crucial. What happens to
Stephanie de Swasson is proving a tough nut to crack"
Ed " I'm sure you'll think of an end Toast, you can kill everyone"
T " I need some fresh air, clear my head."
Toast is walking through the park, running ideas in his head.
T - how can I f***ing end this book. That'll cure my toothache said Stephanie as the executioner raised his axe, the end. Might work, or Henry the eighth stared as the starship lifted above Hampton Court taking Stephanie into outer space, might work with the young set. What a perfect day said Stephanie as she lifted her dress, undid her flies and urinated in the urinal. God these are awful, writer's block? Writers' a cock more like.
 
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michaellevenson

Member: Rank 8
Toast is in the Colonial club boozing, people are at a darts board playing when a man says,
Man " good shot Deepa"
Toast hears,
T "Deepa!!?"
He gets up, sure enough Deepa minus sunglasses is playing darts.
T " I knew it, all that deaf and blind stuff, was total bullshit"
D " I was deaf and blind, but I went to temple in India and got a miracle cure. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to lose my benefits"
T " so you're a benefit fraudster too. It's people like you who have increased the membership of the UK independence party ten fold"
D " sshh, don't tell everyone"
T " I bloody will"
Toast sees a policeman in the club, Deepa runs out pronto.
T " hey officer there goes a benefit fraudster, get her man"
A bit later Toast is in the local library, dozens of classic books open in front of him, all open at the last page, he's desperately searching for an end. A man's voice is suddenly heard over the public address system.
Voice " this is a fire drill, will customers please leave the building"
Toast " Yes!"
 
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michaellevenson

Member: Rank 8
Back home Toast excitedly runs into the kitchen ,
T " Ed , I've found an ending to my novel, it's great, I'm very happy with it"
Ed " what happens to the delightful Stephanie?"
T " spontaneous combustion!"
In the publishers office.
Yvonne" spontaneous combustion!, Stephanie de Swasson spontaneously combusts?!"
T " yep"
Yv " that's a ridiculous ending, a f***ing cop out, you shit, did Moby Dick end with the whale spontaneously combusting. Did JK Rowling end her glorious Harry Potter series.."
T " who?"
Yv " with Harry spontaneously combusting. People don't spontaneously combust"
T " according to the internet though rare there have been 200 documented cases"
Yv ( shouting) I was going to give you the sun,stars and moon, I've come back to work after a nervous breakdown and have to deal with this shit! If I ever see you again you little prick, I'll f***ing ki...."
A bang and a flash, and suddenly where Yvonne stood is now a pile of ashes.
 

michaellevenson

Member: Rank 8
Back home;
T " there she was banging on about how impossible it was to spontaneously combust, when she spontaneously combusted. The very definition of irony writ large."
Toast's phone rings,
T " hello, yes... great, I'll be over there right away"
Ed " who was that Toast?"
T " Brooke Hooberman, seems a Hollywood film director called Dinky Frinkbuster wants to meet, offering me a role"
Ed ' Hollywood eh, probably wants to meet at a posh hotel, Claridges or the Dorchester"
T " I expect so"
 
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michaellevenson

Member: Rank 8
Toast enters the Dorchester hotel, not THE Dorchester, but A Dorchester hotel, a fleapit. In an upstairs room Toast enters. Frinkbuster is sitting on the bed.
Fb " Steven, glad to meet you"
T " so what's this film you're doing?"
Fb " it's about two lesbians, they want to try something else, so one goes off with a black personal trainer, the other stays by the pool frustrated until the pool guy turns up"
T " and I'm the pool guy. Sounds good, what is my relationship to the gal?"
Fb " relationship? You just f*** her"
T " hang on, this is beginning to sound like a porno flick"
Fb " I hope we're not at cross purposes Steven. I've seen your recent work"
T " my recent work?"
Frinkbuster opens his laptop and turns it on. On screen is Toast and Kate in bed.
T ( on screen) " oh yes, arghh"
K " oh yes give it to me big boy arrgh"
T " bloody Deepa!! The woman who filmed that is not a bone fide filmmaker just a benefits cheat"
Fb " well if you're not interested, but it has gone viral, a million hits"
T " I don't care........how many?"
Fb " a million"
T " is that good?"
Fb " you're a star Steven"
T " mmmm count me in"
Mitchell Mullen is Dinky Frinkbuster;
 
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michaellevenson

Member: Rank 8
Back at his agent Jane Plough's office.
J " you bloody snake Toast, f*** ing weasel. Going behind my back"
T " oh, I asked her not to tell you"
J " Brooke and I are very close, of course she'd tell me if a client of mine is deserting like a rat, all that secret squirrel stuff. F***ing idiot. You have some weird ideas Toast, novel writing, porno star, you know I'm close to taking your picture off my wall"
T " please don't Jane"
J " I'll think about it over night , let you know tomorrow. Meantime you're wanted at Scramble Studios "
T " not those tossers again"
J " get out of my sight Toast"
Toast is once again doing voice over work, he is in the studio, headphones on.
T ( into mic) " Bbbzzz, bbbzzz bzzz"
On the wall monitor is a swarm of bees in a hive.
T ( into mic) " bbzzz bzzz, ( to guys behind glass), I'm going to need direction here guys, which bee am I voicing ?!"
Danny Bear and Clem Fandango sigh in exasperation.
Db " Jesus...f***ing Christ"
THE END
Toast thread here;
https://www.imdforums.com/threads/toast-of-london.2149/
 
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