Fun DOCTOR WHO

[ant-mac]

PILOT: AN UNEARTHLY CHILD

Author: The first Doctor arrives at the junkyard at seventy-six Totters Lane, in London. There, he confronts Ian and Barbara for the first time.

Doctor 01: Ah... I see that the rest of the cast are here at last. Now all we need to begin is a plot. And be quiet you! We don’t need a narrator! Bah!

Ian: Who are you?

Doctor 01: Eh? That’s not a bad guess, Cheech. I’m the Doctor. The hero of this TV program. Or at least I will be if this pilot works out.

Ian: My name is Chesterton! And what did you say your name was? DOCTOR WHO?

Doctor 01: All right. We’ve done that gag now. Although I’m sure the Author will repeat it ad nauseam in the future. Can we move on now? Hmm?

Barbara: Er... All right. We followed one of our pupils home from school. She came in here and now we can’t find her.

Ian: We care about her safety. We suspect that you might be some sort of sick pervert. And that you might have harmed her in some way.

Doctor 01: Are you joking, Chong? Hey... I’m not the one who followed a young girl home from school on a dark and foggy night.

Ian: My name is Chesterton! And Barbara and I are Susan’s teachers! We’re just concerned for her safety! That’s all.

Doctor 01: Of course you are. What was I thinking? I’m sure a schoolteacher’s never done anything wrong with a pupil. Hmm?

Barbara: Of course not! What do you think we are? Catholic priests?

Doctor 01: Fair point. But I can assure you both there’s nothing to see here. Just a lot of BBC props left lying about at random. Trust me.

(The door of the TARDIS opens abruptly and Susan appears.)

Susan: Hi there! I’m sorry to interrupt this scene. I thought I might have missed my cue.

Doctor 01: Oh... And of course, there’s this young girl here that you followed home from the... Er... Coal Hill School.

Susan: Is everything all right out here, Grandfather? I haven’t missed out on anything important, have I?

Doctor 01: No. Things were going along just fine - until you showed up! But I expect it can’t hurt to add a plot. Hmm...

Susan: Don’t tell me - tell the Author! But do you really think this piece of crap could lead into a proper TV series?

Doctor 08: He had more luck with his pilot than I did with mine.

Doctor 09: Then it must suck to be you!

Doctor 08: You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you? With those ears, that haircut and that coat, you look just like a middle-aged rent boy!

Doctor 09: You’re just bitching because your pilot was a flop! At least mine succeeded. It was THE SECOND COMING!

Doctor 08: And as I said before, you’d know all about that sort of thing.

Doctor 01: Oh, so you’re my replacements? Eh? A rent boy and a bitch!

 

[ant-mac]

AN UNEARTHLY CHILD

Barbara: Since Ian and I met you, Doctor, you’ve been cold, creepy and cruel to us. You’ve sabotaged the control console and nearly electrocuted Ian! Then you trapped us in your ship and won’t let us out! You’ve acted like a complete control freak!

Doctor: Bah! Get over it. I am an alien. Thus, I am better and smarter than mere Humans! Humph!

Barbara: Nah, you’re just a depraved sadist! You’ve abused us both and treated us like children! And you’ve taken us away from our own time!

Doctor: Meh... Do I look like I care? Come back and see me after THE EDGE OF DESTRUCTION. Hmm...

Barbara: What are you? A complete head case? Or just the bad guy in this TV show?

Doctor: Ah... A little from column A - and a little from column B. No, I’m just joking. I’m the hero. Didn’t you read the first skit? Hmm?

Barbara: Yeah. But I thought this was DOCTOR WHO. But you're more like Doctor Strangelove! Or maybe Doctor Evil...

Doctor: You are quite right, Miss Wright. I am the Doctor - and you will obey me!

Master 01: Hey! That’s my catch phrase! Or at least it very nearly will be - one day.

Doctor: This is DOCTOR WHO. Not some TV game show called THE MASTER. And if you think otherwise, you’re just fooling yourself.

Master 01: It might be known as DOCTOR WHO now, but one day it’ll be known as ROSE. Heh, heh, heh...

Doctor: Bah! That’s just the name of one story, not the entire program! I’ll always be the most admired and most liked character! Humph!

Master 01: Yeah right. Now who’s fooling himself?

(Later, the Doctor, Ian, Barbara and Susan meet Kal, Za and Hur - three Neanderthals from the year 100000 BC...)

Hur: Za! Look! Strangers!

Doctor: Eh? Oh, please tell her we mean you no harm. Hmm...

Za: Huh? How you know name? How you know she Hur?

Doctor: Huh? Who? Her? What’s he talking about? Hmm? I thought her name was Wilma or Betty - or maybe Ayla. Is this THE CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR?

Barbara: No, it’s not! But I think you’re missing the bigger picture here.

Ian: Yeah! We’ve got larger issues to deal with! If we stay here we’ll get stoned!

Susan: Mmm... Now that sounds like it could be fun! But I guess they’ve both got a point. We should get back to the ship, Grandfather.

Kal: Old man make fire come out mouth! I see him! He make fire!

Doctor: Yes, I did. I could make fire for you. Would you like me to make fire for you? What do you say to that?

Za: Yabba dabba doo!

 

[ant-mac]

THE DEAD PLANET

Ian: Why did you interfere with the ship and strand us on a hostile alien world? This isn’t an episode of SURVIVOR, you know.

Doctor 01: Er... I wanted to stay for a while to soak up some of the atmosphere. Just look at me, Chatterbox. I’m positively glowing with health!

Ian: You absent-minded arsehole! My name is Chesterton! And that’s due to the radioactive dust in the air!

Doctor 01: Oh, I see. Well, Cheapskate, at least that explains why my wig is moulting. Hmm...

Ian: My name is Chesterton! Why did you make us walk around in a petrified forest that’s full of monsters and mutants?

Doctor 01: I thought we could all do with a relaxed stroll. Or at least a reckless run for our lives. It gets the blood pumping and the diarrhoea flowing!

Susan: I expect you’re going to tell us that a healthy mind equals a healthy body, aren’t you? If so, Grandfather, you’re doubly screwed!

Barbara: You thought this was a good move? Even though this place was full of dreadful monsters?

Doctor 01: Well, due to the BBC budget, the inside of the ship is far too cramped for a stroll. But at least we had a good workout. Hmm...

Barbara: Did you make us come miles out of our way just to look at this strange city full of unknown dangers?

Doctor 01: Eh? I was looking for a public toilet. Have you ever seen one in the ship? Eh? In fact, have you ever seen one in any spaceship in any film or TV show?

Barbara: Er... Good point. But, Doctor, don’t you grasp the fact that you’ve exposed us all to radioactive dust and certain death?

Doctor 01: Well, I can’t help it if I’ve got a sense of adventure. Besides, I wanted to ensure our future by making sure we’re a hit. Hmm...

Dalek: Intruder alert! Intruder alert! Intruder alert! They must be exterminated! They must be exterminated! They must be exterminated!

Doctor 01: Good! Now we're sure to survive! But has anyone else noticed that for THE DEAD PLANET, it’s still got a lot of life forms roaming about on it? Hmm?

Ian: Let me see if I’ve got this straight... We’ve been threatened by a hostile alien life form that wants to kill us. We’ve been covered in deadly radioactive dust that will kill us. And there’s a forest full of lethal monsters between us and the ship. And you still think you’ve ensured our future?

Barbara: Just where exactly did you get your Doctorate? The STAR TREK school of logic?

Doctor 01: Eh? Don’t you see? Now we're sure to survive! With an enemy like the Daleks, this TV show could last at least until I retire, or lose my mind.

Susan: “Or”? Don’t you mean “And”? But to be perfectly honest, we should already be talking about that eventuality in the past tense.

Doctor 01: That reminds me, my child... Do you happen to know if the doors of the ship can be locked from the inside?

Ian: Don’t worry about that just now, Doctor. Have you got any good news for us?

Doctor 01: As it happens, Chunky, yes. As I got a nasty fright from that Dalek, I no longer need to use the toilet. Hmm...

Doctor 10: This is the PLANET OF THE DEAD, is it? Hmm... I’m not quite sure what it is, but this can’t be right.

Doctor (Peter Cushing): That’s because this is THE DEAD PLANET. But you’ve got a point. Something doesn’t feel quite right about this...

 

[ant-mac]

THE EDGE OF DESTRUCTION

(The four time travellers have only just avoided falling into the centre of a star.)

Ian: Phew! That was a close run thing! I think I’ve got skid marks in my boxer shorts! Oh well, so much for having fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun.

Doctor: Hah! Welcome to my world, Chekov. It’s a world where I live life on the edge. Where moderation, restraint and willpower are pushed to their very limits.

Ian: Ha, ha, ha... Very amusing. My name is Chesterton! And is that due to the constant state of fear and risk you live in? Or are you just an adrenalin junkie?

Doctor: Neither, Nurse Chapel. I was referring to incontinence. When you reach my age, you learn you can never trust a fart. Hmm...

Ian: Ha, ha, ha... Very clever. My name is Chesterton! But at least that explains the smell. I thought maybe something had crawled up your arse and died.

Susan: Eew! I just hope you don’t forget where you keep your fresh underwear.

Doctor: Eh? What explains what smell? What are you talking about? And something crawled up my arse? I thought that sort of thing doesn’t start until RTD arrives?

Susan: Your incontinence. If it wasn’t for the fact this is the wrong franchise, I’d get Scotty to beam me up!

Doctor: My what? My incontinence? Since when have I been incontinent?

Susan: Since about the same time you became incoherent and insensible. But at least we've survived and the TARDIS is still intact.

Doctor: Hmm... Yes, we have. But I'm not happy. Actually, my patience has grown thinner than the plot for the film STAR TREK: NEMESIS.

Susan: Wow! That’s pretty thin! But I wouldn’t be happy either if I kept forgetting my own name, forgetting my own lines and crapping in my own pants.

Doctor: I didn’t mean that! Or did I? Hmm? I wish I could figure out why I have this nagging feeling that I’m forgetting something...

Barbara: I would have thought that was business as per usual for you. But you've found out what the fault with the ship was and fixed it, haven’t you?

Doctor: If you think that, then you’ve made a mistake, Miss Wright. It’s just until the next time a writer needs an easy plot contrivance.

Barbara: And haven’t we overcome our mutual mistrust of each other and become good friends?

Doctor: Please refer to my last line. Er... Could someone please tell me what my last line was? Er... Could someone please tell me who I am?

Susan: But, Grandfather, haven’t we avoided plunging into the heart of a sun and being destroyed?

Doctor: Yes, my child, we have. Well, at least until CASTROVALVA.

Ian: Oh, I thought it was THE BIG BANG in CASTROVALVA, not just a single star.

Doctor: THE BIG BANG, Chakotay? I thought that sort of thing doesn’t happen until RTD arrives? Hmm?

Ian: Ha, ha, ha... Very... Oh, forget it. My name is Chesterton! And I didn’t mean that sort of Big Bang, you arthritic old arsehole!

Barbara: But we’ve met the Daleks, so now DOCTOR WHO will be a hit like you said it would be, won’t it? So, what's wrong?

Doctor: Someone's been writing on my control console with a felt-tipped pen! Humph!

 

[ant-mac]

MARCO POLO

(Ian, Barbara, Susan and Marco Polo all stand together in front of the TARDIS, which sits in front of the stables at the Cheng-Ting way station, in China.)

Marco: On my travels to Cathay, I have seen many new things...

Ian: Um... Marco, that wouldn't happen to include a loo, would it? I've never been able to find one in the ship. And I’ve been looking for it since the end of AN UNEARTHLY CHILD! If I have to wait for much longer, I’m in serious danger of being the one who acquaints MARCO POLO with water polo!

Barbara: Eew! But I was starting to wonder why you were looking so stressed. So you can’t find the loo either? I thought it was just due to that old fart’s incontinence.

Ian: You know, for someone who is called “Miss Wright”, you’re not even close. In fact, you’re about as bright as a black hole.

Marco: I have come to believe many things that I'd previously doubted.

Susan: I know that feeling! I’d never have believed anyone could make a hit TV show with William Hartnell in the lead role - or William Shatner either for that matter.

Ian: Me neither, Susan. He’s got a sense of fair play that’d be considered poor for a Dalek! Next to Hartnell, Adolf Hitler could almost be the humanitarian of the year!

Marco: In Venice, they told me that in Cathay there was a stone that burned.

Barbara: Big deal! In Washington, I once heard there was a Bush who sucked. Or were there two of them?

Marco: But you are asking me to believe that you have a device that can defy the passage of the sun?

Susan: Are you talking about the TARDIS or a beach umbrella?

Marco: It can move not merely from one place to another, but from today into yesterday?

Ian: It’s clear you’ve never seen repeats or reruns on a portable TV set. Which is just as well, as there’s only so many times one can watch I LOVE LUCY.

Marco: No, I cannot believe that.

Barbara: I know it sounds bizarre, but it’s all true! If you don’t believe me, just read the script for yourself. Even if it was written by someone with egg yolks for brains.

Susan: Just don’t ask us how we manage to do it all on a BBC budget that’s smaller than Sarah Palin’s intelligence quotient. Although it’s hard to believe, I know.

Marco: Nonsense! The next thing you’ll be telling me, is that you’re all openly bisexual and sometimes fight against aliens who make fart noises all the time!

Susan: Oh, Marco! Stop it! Now you’re just being plain silly! This is DOCTOR WHO, not GONE WITH THE WIND. But frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn!

(The door of the TARDIS opens and the Doctor emerges from the time craft to join them in front of the stables.)

Barbara: Ah, Doctor. There you are. Have you been able to complete the repairs to that damaged circuit yet?

Doctor: Huh? Not as yet, my dear. Not as yet. Er... I just popped into this portable toilet to answer a call of nature. I just couldn’t hold on any longer! Hmm...

Ian: You daft old dunce! That’s not a portable loo - that’s the ship! Oh, forget it. But should you miraculously happen to find water in there later, I’m not drinking it!

 

[ant-mac]

THE KEYS OF MARINUS

(Barbara twists the knob on her Travel Dial by accident and promptly disappears from Arbitan’s lair…)

Susan: Hurry up, Grandfather! You, Ian and I have to catch up with Barbara. Or we’ll miss out on the cliff-hanger ending to this episode!

Arbitan: Now, before you begin your long and dangerous quest for me, Doctor, do you fully grasp all the details that I’ve given you?

Doctor: Yes, of course I do! We have to use the Time Rings to complete our quest.

Arbitan: No! They’re Travel Dials!

Doctor: Oh, yes. That’s right. We have to find and collect the Key to Time.

Arbitan: No! They’re THE KEYS OF MARINUS!

Doctor: Oh, yes. That’s right. First of all, we have to beat THE BRAIN OF MORBIUS.

Arbitan: No! They’re the Brains of Morphoton!

Doctor: Oh, yes. That’s right. Then we have to fight against the Krynoids.

Arbitan: No! It’s THE SCREAMING JUNGLE!

Doctor: Oh, yes. That’s right. Then we have to deal with THE ICE WARRIORS.

Arbitan: No! They’re the Ice Soldiers!

Doctor: Oh, yes. That’s right. Then we have to go to the Capitol on Gallifrey.

Arbitan: No! It’s the City of Millennius!

Doctor: Oh, yes. That’s right. And then, I must defend myself when I am put on trial by three Time Lords...

Arbitan: No! You must defend Ian when he’s put on trial by three judges!

Doctor: Oh, yes. That’s right. I’ve got it all straight in my head now.

Ian: Oh, for the love of God, can go now? For crying out loud, it didn’t take Tom Baker this long to find, collect and construct the Key to Time!

Arbitan: Yes. You’re now set for your long and dangerous quest. I hope.

Susan: At last! It’s like going to the store on a really long shopping trip with your granddad. There’s always just one more thing to do...

(Just as promptly as she vanished, Barbara reappears in Arbitan’s lair…)

Barbara: Hi there! I’m back! I’ve finished the quest. I’ve found all the keys! Let’s get back to the ship!

Ian: Well done! Good work! I never doubted you for a moment! C’mon, Doctor! We’re ready to go when you are!

Doctor: Eh? We’re going where next? Ah... Where are we at present?

 

[ant-mac]

THE AZTECS

(Doctor 01, Ian, Barbara and Susan are in the console room of the TARDIS, chatting about their time spent with THE WARRIORS OF DEATH...)

Susan: I nearly got married to the Perfect Victim.

Ian: Well, anyone who has to marry you would have to be. So, what became of him?

Susan: He was put to death.

Ian: So he was let off with a lesser punishment, was he? Lucky for him. I guess that just goes to prove that no one’s perfect.

Barbara: I found a gold bracelet and I was proclaimed a god!

Ian: God knows why. But I declare you’re a complete and utter psycho! But at least that explains you’re religious zeal in MEGLOS.

Barbara: Yes. I always wondered whether or not there was a god. And then I found out it was me! But what are you going on about, Ian?

Ian: Er... Nothing. But you’re starting to worry me just a tad. Anyway, I had to train as an Aztec warrior. Then I had to fight Ixta in a battle to the death!

Barbara: Did you? Who won?

Ian: Are you sure that gold bracelet hasn’t cut off the blood flow to your brain?

Doctor 01: Well, Chastity Belt, I met a nice lady and shared something warm, wet and sweet with her.

Ian: You brainless old bragger! My name is Chesterton! So you made some cocoa and got engaged, did you? Didn’t her guide dog object to that?

Doctor 08: I hope you had fun. It’ll be a long time before you get your next chance.

Doctor 09: A real long time. In fact, you’ll be dying for it when it does happen. And I mean that literally!

Doctor 10: But not to worry. Once it does happen, the chances will keep coming just as fast as the writers can think of them.

Doctor 09: Damn it! If that’s true, then why didn’t I get more chances?

Doctor 10: Are you serious? Have you looked in a mirror recently?

Doctor 01: Damn! I just wish someone had told me that before I ditched Cameca!

Doctor 08: Damn! I just wish someone had told me that before I ditched DOCTOR WHO!

Doctor 09: That’s odd. RTD told me that you were the one who got ditched.

Doctor 08: I just wish you’d shut up for once. You’ve got all the charm, diplomacy and intelligence of a Neanderthal. And you look like one too...

Doctor 09: Why are you sorry that you ditched Cameca?

Doctor 01: Well, I would’ve made sure that a cup of cocoa wasn’t the only warm, wet, sweet thing that I had!

Susan: Eew, Grandfather! Just... Eew! That’s way too much information!

 

[ant-mac]

THE SENSORITES

Barbara: How did the City Administrator get away with posing as the Second Elder? Did he use some sort of clever alien device?

Doctor: Er... Not really. He did it just by wearing the Second Elder’s uniform of office.

Barbara: What? You have got to be kidding me. Why didn’t anyone else notice what he was up to? What’s wrong with them? Are they stupid?

Doctor: Pretty much. You see, it seems that the Sensorites all look alike. And it seems they can’t tell each other apart. Or so they claim.

Barbara: What? But that’s absurd! How do they tell who is who when they’re not at work? How do they recognize their own family?

Doctor: Let’s not worry about that trifling little plot point right now, my dear. I’ll explain later...

Barbara: Nice try, Doctor. But I want to know. How can they tell who is a member of the opposite sex? How can a world function like this?

Doctor: Why don’t I take you for a trip to the planet Kembel? I had been saving that particular treat for Sara Kingdom, but I think you deserve it more.

Barbara: You’re not getting out of it that easy, Doctor. And while we’re on the subject of odd Sensorite qualities, how can they crawl around the outside of Maitland’s spaceship without a spacesuit? And how did they manage to steal the lock from the door of the ship?

Doctor: Er... By the way, my dear, did I tell you that next week we’re all going for a trip to France? Hmm?

Barbara: Sure... Why the hell not? It’s not as if we’ll land in France during THE REIGN OF TERROR, now will we?

(The Doctor and Barbara walk off to join Ian and Susan, just as two Sensorites meet up nearby...)

01 Sensorite: Hi there, you sexy thing! How about giving me a nice big kiss?

02 Sensorite: What did you just say?

01 Sensorite: I said give me a big kiss, you gorgeous thing! You know you want to...

(01 Sensorite gives 02 Sensorite a big wet kiss on the lips...)

02 Sensorite: Eew! What the hell do you think you’re doing? Stop that you damn fool! I’m not a girl! I’m a guy!

01 Sensorite: Eew! Oh crap! I’m not like that. Honestly...

02 Sensorite: Oh no, of course you’re not. Hey, I think I’ve got your chewing gum. And to think, Humans refer to themselves as Homo sapiens.

01 Sensorite: I wondered where that went... But how the hell has our species managed to survive for as long as it has?

02 Sensorite: That’s a good question. But why ask me?

01 Sensorite: Well, I’m buggered if I know.

02 Sensorite: Yes. That’s a constant danger too!

01 Sensorite: Maybe that explains why Sensorites are afraid of dark places - and loud noises.

 

[ant-mac]

THE REIGN OF TERROR

(The four time trekkers stand in the console room of the TARDIS, getting ready to go out into the French countryside...)

Susan: Excuse me, Grandfather. Do you have an umbrella somewhere that I can use?

Doctor 01: Eh? I should think so, my child. I should think so. But why would you want to use one? Hmm?

Susan: Well, you did just say the rain was terrible out there. What’s wrong? Are you having a William Hartnell moment? Oh... On second thoughts, forget it.

Doctor 01: No! I said it was THE REIGN OF TERROR out there! What’s wrong? Are you stupid? Or are you just having a Carole Ann Ford moment? Hmm?

Susan: Touché. But do I honestly look like I could be bothered listening to you? Maybe I should wear a raincoat instead to protect me from THE REIGN OF TERROR.

Doctor 01: Huh? You’re just not listening, are you? Bah! You piss me off more every day. I just wish your dad had worn a raincoat when he slept with your mum.

Barbara: But what’s so terrible out there? Is it the French Revolution? Is it the Conciergerie Prison? Is it Madam Guillotine? Is it dodgy BBC props?

Doctor 01: No. It’s something far worse than any of that. Hmm...

Barbara: Is it the brutal violence and the horrible bloodshed?

Ian: Brutal violence and the horrible bloodshed? So what? That just sounds like a typical Colin Baker story to me.

Doctor 01: Good point. But there’s something even worse than that outside, Charlatan! Hmm...

Ian: My name is Chesterton! And just what could be worse? We’ve fought against Daleks, Voords and the lack of a decent BBC budget.

Doctor 01: Well, if you must know, somewhere out there, Richard E Grant is running around as THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL!

Pimpernel: We seek him here, we seek him there. Those Frenchies seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven? Is he in hell? That demmed, elusive Pimpernel! And yes, I know I’m in the wrong franchise. But if you’ll just bear with me for a moment, I’m sure the Author will change my speaker credit so that it’s more appropriate.

Doctor 01: You daft, inane pimp from hell! I’ve seen THE CURSE OF THE FATAL DEATH. You’re not a real Doctor, so changing your speaker credit is pointless!

Doctor (Richard E Grant): Hey! It wasn’t that bad. Although I don’t think my performance was quite as animated as it could have been.

Doctor 01: Oh, that reminds me. I saw SCREAM OF THE SHALKA too. And the plot to that story was demmed elusive too! Humph!

Doctor (Richard E Grant): All right. Fair point. But what do you think of my chances of really becoming the ninth Doctor? Or even the tenth Doctor?

Doctor 09: I’ve got news for you on that score. And it’s not good. Ner, ner nah ner, ner...

Doctor 01: Yes indeed. In fact, Paul McGann has more chance of becoming the longest reigning Doctor.

Doctor 09: Now that really would have been THE REIGN OF TERROR.

Doctor 08: Hey! Cut that out, guys! I’m just as much of a Doctor as the rest of you!

Doctor 09: Meh... Do the rest of us look like we care? Here’s sixpence. Go and ring someone that cares...

 

[ant-mac]

PLANET OF GIANTS

(Doctor 01, Ian, Barbara and Susan all stand about in front of the police box, gazing round about the place...)

Doctor: Well, it seems we’ve arrived in the LAND OF THE GIANTS. Hmm...

Ian: You aging arsehole! This is the PLANET OF GIANTS! You’re thinking of the wrong franchise.

Doctor 01: Eh? Oh yes, CHATTANOOGA CHOO CHOO. Quite so. Quite so. But I still think we’re in big trouble!

Ian: My name is Chesterton, you hoary halfwit! But with the funds we get from the BBC, I can’t say I’m surprised.

Doctor 01: No! That’s not what I meant. I mean it’s all been shrunk down!

Barbara: Do you mean the ship, Doctor?

Doctor 01: Yes, but not just that. I mean everything else too! We're always in trouble! Isn't this extraordinary... It follows us everywhere! Hmm...

Susan: True. But if it didn’t, then there wouldn’t be much of a TV show to speak of, now would there? But do you mean us, Grandfather?

Doctor 01: Yes, but not just us. I mean everything else too!

Ian: Well, I’ve heard that some women don’t think size matters.

Barbara: Don’t bet on it, peewee. Why put up with THE INVISIBLE ENEMY, if you can have THE ENEMY OF THE WORLD?

Doctor 01: Oh, for the love of God! Not one of you idiotic imbeciles gets it! This story was supposed to have four episodes. But now it’s only got three!

Barbara: I’ve heard of shrinkage, but that’s bizarre. We were all set for KITTEN KONG - but we get Twinkle instead.

Ian: Never mind. It’s not that important, is it? It just means it won’t last quite as long, that’s all.

Barbara: Meh... Typical male. Any excuse for finishing early. Have you never heard of THE LONG GAME?

Doctor 01: But that’s not the worst of it! The plot to this story has been shrunk down too!

Susan: This story has a plot? Well, I guess there’s a first time for everything.

Doctor 03: Hi. Is this the story where we all get shrunk down in size?

Doctor 01: Er... Yes it is. But it’s not the one that you think it is.

Doctor 03: Oh really? So this isn’t CARNIVAL OF MONSTERS? That’s strange... There seems to be quite a likeness to it.

Doctor 01: No. It’s not that one. This is the LAND OF THE GIANTS. Perhaps there are recurring cycles starting to creep into DOCTOR WHO. Hmm...

Ian: You archaic arsehole! This is the PLANET OF GIANTS! You’re still thinking of the wrong franchise!

Doctor 01: Eh? Oh yes, CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG. Quite so. Quite so. And we’re an episode short of a full story!

Doctor 03: His name is Chesterton! If you ask me, you’re the only one here who’s an episode short of a full story! But recurring cycles you say?

 

[ant-mac]

THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH

(The four time travellers stand in front of the TARDIS, surveying the ruins of London in the twenty-second century...)

Barbara: Well, you’ve brought us back to London, Doctor. But you’ve brought us back in the wrong time era.

Doctor 01: Oh well. Not to worry, my dear. After all, this is the planet Earth, so I’m sure that we’re quite safe here. Hmm?

Dalek: Attention rebels of London! Attention rebels of London! I am here to introduce the plot!

Doctor 01: Eh? Oh, crap!

Barbara: Well, that’s par for the course with you, Doctor. And it’s about time you got here, Dalek! What took you so long? Too many steps to climb?

Dalek: Do not mock my disability! I would have been here sooner, but I had to wait for the cliff-hanger ending!

Susan: Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m just waiting until the end of this story. Once it’s finished, I’m outta here!

Doctor 01: Why? What’s your sudden rush? You know that you’ll be back for THE FIVE DOCTORS. Just as surely as I will be. Hmm...

Susan: Um... Right. Not a chance, pal! I plan to have a long and successful acting career! I’ve already made a start. And now I shall continue on with it.

Doctor 01: I wouldn’t count on that if I were you. I’ve heard there’s not much call for used Triffid bait. What other roles do you have lined up? Hmm?

Susan: What do you mean “Triffid bait”? They were looking for someone to play a young girl named Susan. And now, I am a young girl named Susan!

Barbara: Oh, come off it! The only one who still thinks you’re fifteen is that demented old ditherer! And he’s clearly a mental case and... Er... Forget it.

Ian: Yes... Well, moving right along... Doctor, I thought we beat the Daleks on Skaro. How can they possibly be here on Earth?

Dalek: One word - ratings.

Doctor 01: Rubbish! There are many possible reasons for why the Daleks are here. But none of them sounds quite as convincing as yours does. Hmm...

Barbara: You know, for some strange reason, that doesn’t surprise me.

Doctor 01: Maybe there was more than one Dalek city on Skaro. Hmm? Or maybe we destroyed them in the future and this story takes place before that? Hmm?

Ian: That sounds about as convincing as having the ability to travel anywhere in space and time, yet constantly showing up back on the same planet.

Doctor 01: Touché, CHOCKY. But best not to dwell upon that. Perhaps it simply is a case of the BBC knowing a good thing when it sees it. Hmm?

Ian: My name is Chesterton! But I think you’ve just hit the nail on the head! Give that man a cigar!

Doctor 01: Eh? What are you on about? Hmm? Don’t be so silly, Chucky. I don’t smoke. Hmm...

Ian: My name is Chesterton! And if you don’t smoke, then how do you explain that pipe you lit up in AN UNEARTHLY CHILD?

Dalek: We are the masters of the BBC! We are the masters of the BBC!

Doctor (Peter Cushing): That’s odd... I’m getting that same feeling again. This still can’t be right. Something still doesn’t feel quite right about this.

 

[ant-mac]

THE RESCUE

(The four time trekkers chat about their time on Dido.)

Vicki: Is it just me, or did that story flash by real fast?

Ian: A story with just two parts always does.

Vicki: That’s the snag with rushing things. There’s no time to take in the plot or to follow the character development.

Ian: Character development? Do you mean all your screaming?

Doctor: Ah... Well, it all began when we landed on Dildo -

Barbara: Dido! You’re always fluffing your lines.

Ian: We found a crashed spaceship from Earth, with you and Bennett in it.

Doctor: But Bennett was dressing up as a huge, scary Dildo -

Barbara: Didonian! But I’ve got one hell of a mental picture in my head right now.

Ian: That way, he could blame them for his crime of mass murder.

Doctor: And so poor, sweet little you would think that the rest of the crew had been done in by rampaging Dildos -

Barbara: Didonians! But I’ve got an even better mental picture in my head right now!

Ian: But the Doctor deduced the truth. He learned that Bennett was to blame.

Doctor: So I confronted him, but then he was chased to his death by two large Dildos -

Barbara: Didonians! But that would be one hell of a way to go...

Ian: So now, we’re taking you with us.

Doctor: After all, what would a poor, sweet little girl like you do, if we left you all alone with two big Dildos?

Barbara: Didonians! But one or two stimulating thoughts do strike me...

Vicki: Excuse me, Doctor.

Doctor: Yes, my dear? What is it?

Vicki: What’s a dildo?

Barbara: Didonian! I thought DOCTOR WHO was a family TV show?

Doctor: Er... I’m sure Miss Wright can explain.

Barbara: Um... Like K9, it’s A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND...

 

[ant-mac]

THE ROMANS

Doctor: Is this CHELMSFORD 123? I could really use a toilet break. But when in Rome, Chickenhawk, one should do THE ROMANS.

Ian: Wrong TV show. And I beg your pardon?! My name is Chesterton! I might be an older male, but I do not seek the company or favours of younger males!

Doctor: Perhaps what I meant to say was we should do THE ROMANS, as they like to do each other? Hmm?

Barbara: I knew you were a crotchety old man, but I never realized it was because you had such an interest in everyone else’s crotch.

Vicki: Barbara, I think what the Doctor meant to say was when in Rome, we should do as THE ROMANS do. Is that right, Doctor?

Doctor: Er... Yes. That’s what I meant to say. Of course it was. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Heh, heh, heh...

(The Doctor and Vicki leave the villa to go to Rome, while Ian and Barbara chat about their future…)

Barbara: It’s so nice to be able to relax at last and have some peace and quiet for a little while.

Ian: We could if only you would shut up once in a while.

Barbara: So, Ian, when we get back to London in our own time, are we going to get married?

Ian: I’m not so sure about that. I’ve heard marriage is the number one cause of divorce…

Barbara: That won’t happen to us, Ian. I just know our union will last for the rest of our lives.

Ian: Now look here, Barbara, if you’re going to start making threats, I’m leaving!

Barbara: But I happen to know the secret to preserving a marriage.

Ian: Is it formaldehyde?

Barbara: No. Don’t be silly! But we should get together and do more things as a couple.

Ian: Sure thing, Babs. How about we get together and do a nice young blonde with big tits? Mmm... Yummy.

Barbara: And make sure I’ve got all the labour saving devices I need. An electric kettle, an electric frying pan, an electric toaster...

Ian: An electric chair?

Barbara: For our wedding anniversary, you should take me out somewhere nice. And you should always listen to me, Ian. I know what I’m talking about.

Ian: Sure... Where do you want to go? THE FOREST OF FEAR, THE SEA OF DEATH or THE SNOWS OF TERROR? And I knew you were Miss Wright, but I never realized you thought you always were!

(Later, after a long and perilous journey, the Doctor finally gets to meet Emperor Nero in Rome...)

Doctor: Hail, Caesar!

Nero: Thanks for the weather report. Now, just who are you and what do you want?

 

[ant-mac]

THE WEB PLANET

Vicki: So, have any of you old farts got a clue about what we’ve got to deal with this time?

Doctor: From what I’ve heard, it’ll be bugs. Bit bugs. Like ants and butterflies. I imagine that means we’re back in the LAND OF THE GIANTS!

Ian: You old fool! That was the PLANET OF GIANTS! And by the way, that’s not your imagination. You’re just suffering delusions!

Doctor: Oh yes, Cheese Cutter? I wouldn’t be so sure of that if I were you. And you too suffer from delusions. Delusions of adequacy.

Ian: My name is Chesterton! Well, it all sounds a bit thin to me. I suppose you know you're not very clever.

Doctor: Well, without any undue modesty, yes! Er... Hang on a moment. What was that you just said about me? And what sounds a bit thin, Cheese Dip?

Ian: Oh, for pity’s sake! My name is Chesterton! Are you sure you know where we are? Are you quite sure we’re back there again?

Doctor: Back where again, Cheesegrater? Hmm? You know, I really believe I have overrated that young lady in the past. Hmm...

Ian: My name is Chesterton! And I don’t wear braces and I don’t suck off... Oh, just forget about it. And I’m not a young lady - I’m a young man!

Doctor: Young? Now who’s suffering delusions, Cheesemonger? I thought a cheesegrater was something you grated cheese on? And I didn’t know you wore braces.

Ian: Er... It is. Just forget about it. And my name is Chesterton! But giant ants and butterflies are just the sort of thing we might have seen in the PLANET OF GIANTS.

Doctor: Just forget about what, Cheesedick? But don’t forget, the biggest pussy I’ve ever seen - besides KITTEN KONG. Hmm...

Barbara: You really miss Cameca, don’t you? But maybe there’s a link to the PLANET OF GIANTS.

Doctor: You don’t know the half of it. I just wish I could remember half of it. Well, I think we should have a look around. Hmm...

Vicki: What for? Your bib? Your incontinence pad? Your memory?

Doctor: Eh? For the biggest can of bug spray we can find! Haven’t you been listening, child? Failing that, we should find out more about the plot.

Barbara: What plot? But I knew there was a link! We could really use that DN6 insecticide from PLANET OF GIANTS.

Doctor: Isn’t it odd how our actions in one story have come back to bite us on the arse in another? Eh?

Vicki: This story’s called THE WEB PLANET. That might mean somewhere on Vortis there’s a big spider in charge of everything.

Doctor: A planet ruled by a giant spider? That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard! You’ll be telling me next I end up getting replaced by some dastardly dwarf!

Vicki: Oh, I’m sure that’ll never happen. But big spiders seem to be quite common in the PLANET OF THE SPIDERS and THE RUNAWAY BRIDE.

Doctor: I don't believe Humans were made to be controlled by bugs. Bugs can make laws, but they cannot preserve justice. Only Humans can do that.

Barbara: You once said that about computers. Isn’t it strange how your comments in this story will come back to bite you on the arse in other ones?

Doctor: I see. Would someone remind me again why I like Humans so much? So, how are we going to deal with THE WEB OF FEAR? Hmm?

Ian: You dim-witted dementia sufferer! This is THE WEB PLANET! And would someone remind me again why I bother to stick around on DOCTOR WHO?

 

[ant-mac]

THE CRUSADES

(Doctor 01 and Richard the Lionheart engage each other in polite conversation.)

Doctor 01: So, how’s the Crusade going? Have you managed to take back Jerusalem or any other places of Christian importance from the Muslims?

Richard 01: Hah! Who told you that was our plan? We’re just here to make money and put the fear of Islam into our subjects. We’ve raised taxes on ploughed lands and on one quarter of chattels and revenues. And we took the wool crops from the Houses of Cistercian and Gilbertine. This Crusade’s all about profit and propaganda!

Doctor 01: Bah! Same old story. I thought you were here to defeat Saladin and the Saracens. Don’t you want to recapture Jerusalem from Muslim rule and rebuild the former area of the Latin Kingdom? And what do you mean “We”? Don’t try to implicate me in your war on terror... Er... Crusade. Hmm...

Richard 01: Fool! We were using the royal “we”! And if we can keep our subjects terrified of Muslims, it’ll make them easier to rule. They’ll forget we’re a lousy king.

Doctor 01: Oh, so you’ve got to wee too? I know that feeling. I’m busting to go too! But it explains where King George the Bush got his inspiration from. Only his excuse for declaring war on the Muslims involved introducing democracy, hunting down terrorists and searching for Weapons of Mass Destruction.

(Suddenly, Doctor 04 appears from out of nowhere and lunges at Richard the Lionheart with a jelly baby…)

Doctor 04: Scaroth! After searching for you through all of space and time - and the BBC car park - I’ve finally tracked you down! For the sake of the Human species, I must destroy you! Besides, it’ll make a very dramatic ending to this episode!

Richard 01: Ah... Could you explain to that old fool what the royal “we” is? And I’m not Scaroth - I’m Richard the Lionheart! Can’t we talk about this?

Doctor 04: Talk to the jelly baby! Go on... Talk to it! I talk to them all the time...

Richard 01: And I’ll bet they answer you back, don’t they? But what do you plan to do with that jelly baby? Uh-oh... Help me, Holy Sepulchre. Help me! Argh…!

(Doctor 04 gets up from where the corpse of Richard the Lionheart lies...)

Doctor 01: How did you manage to do that? I knew confectionary was bad for you, but I never thought it could be lethal. Hmm...

Doctor 04: Oh, it was nothing. I introduced the concept of deadly jelly babies in THE FACE OF EVIL and then I just applied DOCTOR WHO logic.

Doctor 01: DOCTOR WHO logic? That’s a contradiction in terms. Like the phrase “Reality TV”. Hmm...

Doctor 04: Why didn’t you help me? Were you having one of your famous lapses in concentration? Or just another bout of incontinence?

Doctor 01: Because that was Richard the Lionheart, not Scaroth! This is THE CRUSADES, not CITY OF DEATH! And you’re a dimwit, not a Doctor! Humph!

Doctor 04: Oops... My bad. Right actor - wrong character. But how could I have known this was the wrong story?

Doctor 01: Did it ever occur to you to check the title? As we learn about each other, so we learn about ourselves. And I’ve learned you’re a dunce! Humph!

Joanna: No! You killed Dick! I loved Dick! I can’t live without Dick! Er... I’d just like to point out to you that I call my brother Dick. It’s short for Richard.

Doctor 01: Meh... Don’t bother opening up that can of worms until RTD becomes the producer. Hmm...

 

[ant-mac]

THE SPACE MUSEUM

(Doctor 07 and Ace watch with surprise as Ian, Barbara and Vicki step out of the TARDIS in front of them...)

Doctor 07: What are all of you doing here and now? Since when have any of you been in SURVIVAL? To err is Human - but to forgive is not my policy.

Ian: But this isn’t SURVIVAL. This is THE SPACE MUSEUM. This is the planet Xeros. Isn’t it?

Doctor 07: No, it’s not. But I think I know what’s gone wrong. The TARDIS must have jumped a Time Track. It has landed in its own future!

Barbara: So you’re saying that we’ve landed at the wrong point in space and time? If so, I hate to disappoint you, but that’s not a surprise any more.

Doctor 07: No, it’s much worse than that! You’ve landed at the wrong point in space and time in the DOCTOR WHO TV show! This is the distant future!

Vicki: Wow! I’m just impressed DOCTOR WHO is still being made in the distant future. I never thought this piece of crap would last this long.

Doctor 07: Good point. But it won’t last much longer! JN-T has screwed it right up! In fact, production of it will stop at the end of this very TV story!

Doctor 08: But then in 1996, Philip Segal will make a DOCTOR WHO story in the USA. So, it’s not all bad.

Doctor 07: So, you’re telling me the Americanisation of DOCTOR WHO is a good thing, are you? As you sow, so shall you wreck.

Doctor 08: Fair point. But then RTD will bring it back again in 2005. And he will make it bigger and better than ever before!

Doctor 09: Yeah. But he’ll turn it into a cross between DOCTOR WHO, EASTENDERS and QUEER AS FOLK!

Doctor 08: Well, I guess it could be worse. He could turn DOCTOR WHO into another reality TV show like BIG BROTHER or THE WEAKEST LINK.

Doctor 09: What do you mean? He’ll do that too!

Doctor 08: What? You’re joking, aren’t you? Well, that’s a bit of bad luck, isn’t it?

Doctor 09: I just wish I was joking. But it’s not so much a case of bad luck, as a case of BAD WOLF.

Doctor 01: Ah... I’m sorry I’m late. Did I miss out on anything important? Hmm? Hmm?

Ace: Wow! It’s the first Doctor! You know, there's something new in you, yet something older than the sky. You’re Richard Hurndall, aren’t you?

Doctor 01: Eh? No! I am not Richard Hurndall! Bah! Your ideas are too narrow, too crippled. I am a citizen of the universe and William Hartnell to boot!

Ian: What happened to you? Were you caught by the Moroks and held prisoner? Did they use their mind probe on you? Could they even find your mind?

Doctor 01: Not quite, Chesterton. You see I... Hey! Watch it! Humph!

Ian: My name is... Oh, hang on... Bollocks! Well, where have you been? Were you lost in that maze of corridors inside THE SPACE MUSEUM?

Doctor 01: Eh? No, it wasn’t that. I just happened to be away on holiday during the week that the first part of this skit was written. Hmm...

Ian: Uh-huh... But there’s one little thing I was wondering. How are you going to get that huge Time / Space Visualiser into the TARDIS? Did you think of that?

Doctor 01: Shut up, Chewbacca! It all started out as a mild curiosity in the junkyard. But now, it's turned out to be quite a great big pain in the arse! Humph!

 

[ant-mac]

THE CHASE

Doctor: Well, the good news is I’m now certain that I’ll be able to get you and Ian back home before we run into the Daleks again.

Barbara: And the bad news is we’re already being chased by them again. And that you’re a demented and dim-witted old ditherer!

(The TARDIS lands in the observation gallery of the Empire State Building, in New York, in the USA, where the four time travellers meet Morton Dill.)

Ian: I know the Empire State Building is the last place in the universe that we’re ever likely to meet a Dalek, but what if they follow us here?

Doctor: Eh? DALEKS IN MANHATTAN? Hah! That’ll never happen... Hello, Steven. I thought we didn’t meet you until we got to the planet Mechanus? Hmm?

Morton: No, I’m not Steven. I’m Dill. Morton Dill. But it seems I’m not the only dill here.

Doctor: Eh? But I was sure you were Steven. In rehearsals this morning, the producer introduced us to each other. Hmm?

Morton: All right! All right! I am Steven - but not just yet! I’m Morton now, but later on in this story, I’ll be Steven.

Doctor: And who will I be?

Barbara: I’ve already explained that to you. You’ll be a demented and dim-witted old ditherer. Just as you are now and just as you always have been.

Morton: And you’ll be DOCTOR WHO. Both now and at the end of this story.

Doctor: Huh? DOCTOR WHO? What’s he talking about? What are you on about? Hmm?

Ian: Don’t worry. The Doctor’s as sharp as a tack! In fact, he’s often impatient with anyone who’s less intelligent than himself.

Vicki: He’s just hard to understand sometimes due to his alien origins. He’s very aloof and mysterious.

Barbara: You’ll get used to his manner. He’s got one of the most brilliant minds in the universe!

Doctor: Eh? Where are we again? Hmm? Come to think of it, who am I again? Hmm?

Morton: Yeah... Right. So if that’s the case, why are Ian and you leaving at the end of this story?

Barbara: Ian and I have no chance of returning to our own time and place, unless we use the Daleks’ own time machine.

Ian: When the pilot led into this TV series, it meant that we had to wait for our chance to get back home. And now, our chance has come.

Steven: What convenient timing. I show up and the two of you promptly vanish and leave me stuck with this confused and forgetful old fool.

Ian: It’s got nothing to do with that. With the budget we’ve got on this TV show, there’s a limit to just how many companions the Doctor can have.

Barbara: And both our contracts have expired. Besides, we’ve had enough of dealing with that confused and forgetful old fool!

Vicki: Does that mean I can leave too? Or can the BBC still afford to keep on two companions?

Ian: No, it’s all right, Vicki. You can stay. And you’d better keep an eye on him. That elderly egomaniac seems to have a knack of getting himself into trouble.

Vicki: Damn! That’d be right. But why do I suddenly get the feeling I won’t be having as successful an acting career as I thought I would?

 

[ant-mac]

THE TIME MEDDLER

Steven: The Doctor still thinks I’m Morton Dill! I wish someone had warned me about him before I signed my BBC contract.

Vicki: Yeah. He does get a bit confused from time to time.

Steven: Oh really? You surprise me. Can you give me an example? Maybe I can use it in my legal case against the BBC for hiring me under false pretences.

Vicki: Well, when his lines are particularly long or tricky. Or when an actor returns in a different role. Or when he’s got to use both hands, a map and a torch just so he can find his own aging arse.

Steven: Oh great. Now you tell me. You know, for some reason, I’m not feeling particularly optimistic about the future.

Vicki: Well, you didn’t honestly think I was going to deal with his forgetfulness, incoherence and incontinence all by myself, did you?

Steven: So we’re not so much his companions, as his carers?

Vicki: What makes you think I care? You really need to get yourself a prescription for some smart pills.

Doctor (Edmund Warwick): It sounds to me like things would’ve been a lot better if I’d succeeded in my mission and ensured the VICTORY OF THE DALEKS.

Steven: I’m sorry, but who are you?

Doctor (Edmund Warwick): I’m the robotic Doctor from THE CHASE. The Daleks created me to impersonate and exterminate the Doctor. The real Doctor.

Vicki: Now that could’ve had possibilities. But if you were supposed to be in THE CHASE, how come we’re just meeting you now for the first time?

Steven: Maybe the Author couldn’t fit him in before now. But we couldn’t do that! What would all the little kids at home think?

Vicki: Who cares? They’re not the ones who’ve got to clean up the mess when that dithering old fool forgets to unzip his fly before he goes to the toilet.

Doctor (Edmund Warwick): Or when he mistakes the console room for the toilet.

Vicki: Or when he mistakes his teacup for a chamber pot.

Doctor (Edmund Warwick): Or when he mistakes a chamber pot for his teacup. And that is much, much worse...

Steven: Eew! Okay! I get the point.

Vicki: I thought you would. Besides, with the short attention span that kids have these days, they’ll have forgotten all about him in thirty seconds flat.

Steven: Wow! That’s almost as quick as William Hartnell would. Okay, let’s do it! But where is he?

Vicki: He’s taking a toilet break. He's old and incontinent... Remember?

Steven: Oh yeah. That’s right. Er... I don't want any further details.

Vicki: Good call. And you probably don’t want to know what that smell is either. Trust me on that.

Monk: Hey! Wait just a minute... What the hell’s going on? I thought I was supposed to be the bad guy in this story?

 

[ant-mac]

GALAXY 4

(The Doctor, Steven and Vicki stand together in the console room, discussing their encounter with the Dravhins and the Rills.)

Steven: So, are you telling me those stunningly cute, fantasy-inspiring Dravhins were the bad guys?

Doctor: Mmm? What’s that, my boy? Eh? Oh yes, my boy, they were.

Vicki: And those hideously ugly, vomit-inducing Rills were the good guys?

Doctor: Yes, my child. That would seem to be the case. Hmm...

Steven: Wow! Who could’ve guessed? I mean it’s a shame for the Rills - being so ugly. But it’s much worse for anyone who has to look at them.

Doctor: Very true. But anyone who saw the spoiler in the article about this story on the cover of the RADIO TIMES could have guessed, my boy.

Vicki: Is that how you worked it out, Doctor? And why do I have to keep pretending I'm a boy? Why can't I be a girl again? We left Palestine ages ago.

Doctor: Did we? I hadn’t noticed. Mmm... Yummy. But that’s not how I worked it out. I used my cunning, my wit and my superior intelligence.

Vicki: Eew! Are you sure you’re not Michael Jackson? And really, Doctor, how did you work it out?

Doctor: All right. All right. If you really must know, I read the script in advance. Hmm...

Vicki: Wow! That really is amazing! For once, I am impressed.

Doctor: What’s your point? You’re impressed by bright lights and shiny objects. But I suppose I’m pleased to hear you say that. But how so, my child? Hmm?

Vicki: You read the script and were able to remember it for once! You’ve never remembered the plot to a story before! Or your lines either for that matter.

Doctor: Shut up! Bah! I’d watch it if I were you. Your BBC contract is coming up for renewal soon. Don’t forget, you’re not irreplaceable. Only I am.

Vicki: Two words - Patrick Troughton.

Doctor: Never heard of him. And you can’t always judge by physical looks. Besides, those Dravhins were so stunning that it was ghastly!

Steven: Huh? Could you run that one by me once more, you senseless senior citizen? You just managed to contradict yourself in the space of two sentences.

Doctor: The Dravhins were too pretty! Too perfect! I knew that they had to be hiding something.

Steven: But what about the bit you were just saying about not judging someone by his or her physical looks?

Doctor: Shut up. You’re just confusing the TV audience. But beauty is only skin deep, my boy.

Steven: Yeah. But ugly goes right down to the bone.

Doctor: Beauty is vulgar! It rots the intellect! It is tactless and tasteless!

Steven: Oh... I always thought it would taste like fish. If I got lucky. But may I ask what’s so great about being ugly?

Doctor: Er... Good point.

 

[ant-mac]

MISSION TO THE UNKNOWN

Steven: What’s the name of that world that we’re looking at on the scanner screen?

Vicki: And is there anything going on down there on that world?

Doctor: I’ve got no idea.

Steven: Okay. So are there any people down there?

Vicki: And is it exciting down there?

Doctor: I’ve got no idea.

Steven: Okay. Do you know what the name of this week’s story is?

Vicki: And do you know what the plot is for this week’s story?

Doctor: I’ve got no idea.

Steven: Okay. Do you know anything about this week’s story?

Doctor: I’ve got no idea. But that’s because we’re not in this week’s story!

Vicki: Okay. Do you know your own name?

Doctor: I’ve got no... Hey! I’d watch it if I were you. Your BBC contract is coming up for renewal soon. Don’t forget, you’re not irreplaceable. Only I am.

Vicki: Two words - Patrick Troughton. But at least for once, you can’t fluff your lines.

Doctor: You know, I’m sure we did this gag in the last skit. But with an attitude like that, my child, your days in DOCTOR WHO are running out fast!

Vicki: Yeah, we have done this gag before. Maybe the Author’s having a William Hartnell moment. But yippy! I can see my luck is changing for the better all the time.

(Meanwhile, down on the world that the Doctor, Steven and Vicki were looking at on the scanner screen, Marc Cory faces the Daleks...)

01 Dalek: I’ve just heard the demented old dawdler’s not in this week’s story. So we’ll get all the limelight! Sweet! It’s about time!

Cory: Sorry to ruin your plans, you stupid tin cans, but I’m the hero of this week’s episode!

02 Dalek: Damn it! I knew we should have read the script more carefully. Maybe we should register a protest with the estate of Terry Nation?

01 Dalek: Don’t worry. Of the three of us here, only two of us will be back for the main story. And that doesn’t include the cannon fodder over there.

02 Dalek: Good point. In that case, we’re ready to get on with this week’s episode when you are, cannon fodder.

Cory: Well, I thought we’d start by getting you guys to announce your secret plans over the loudspeaker system, so I can hear them. Hey! Hang on a second... Who are you calling cannon fodder? What are you two trying to tell me? And why does that third Dalek hiding in the bushes over there look like a television camera?

02 Dalek: Don’t worry about it. And the reason that third Dalek looks like a television camera, is because there’s only two of us here, you twit!