Important A Fake News Thread!

ant-mac

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Breaking news just in from the White House, Washington DC.

It has been confirmed by White House spokes droid, Mister Sean Hot N’ Spicey, that an alien spacecraft has in fact landed in the Rose Garden section of the White House grounds. It appears that the alien space vessel looked exactly like one of those silver flying saucers that you see in one of those old black and white sci-fi films that were made back in the 1950s. When they emerged, the aliens disabled all of the weapons trained on them by security staff and claimed that they came in peace.

When asked if they wished to be taken “to our leader”, the aliens declined the invitation and said that they had just come to pick up their leader, who had apparently been visiting our planet on summer vacation. When questioned about this strange new development in interplanetary affairs, the President of the United States of American, Mister Donald J Trump refused to comment, beyond uttering the cryptic comments, “"Na-Nu Na-Nu" and "Shazbot".

He then quickly left the White House briefing room, mumbling something about being late for an "anal probe”.
 
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ant-mac

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Breaking news just in from the private company, Silicon Tits N’ Bits, in the southern portion of the San Francisco Bay Area, in California.

Professor IC Wieners has just announced that he has finally completed his lifelong mission of successfully building a perpetual motion machine to provide the world with free, everlasting, clean energy. When asked what had motivated him to undertake this incredible and selfless act for the sake of Humanity, Professor IC Wieners replied: “For the cash and the hot babes of course. Sexy girls love nerds - especially rich ones!”

When it was pointed out to him that due to his design specifications, the perpetual motion machines - or PMMs - would last practically forever and would never need to be replaced, the Professor suddenly realized that his dreams of being a rich man were dashed. His company would only ever be able to sell one PMM to each customer, with no chance of ever selling the same customer a replacement. In brief, his company, Silicon Tits N’ Bits would go bust in a very short while.

Upon this shocking realization, Professor IC Wieners spent five minutes cursing and swearing at the assembled journalists, before he stomped out of the room, muttering something about having to cancel the purchase of a new yacht and a holiday to Tahiti with the entire Dallas Cowboys’ cheerleading squad.
 

the badwolf

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And on with fake news LaLa land won best picture :emoji_astonished: seriously that was a huge mess up I not seen either film but congrats moonlight and comisations to LaLa land getting told you won and then oh wait no you didn't is really bad as is the fact that moonlight didn't get their momant when it won.
 

Doctor Omega

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Man Still Standing Where He Posed for Photograph Decades Ago


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In an astonishing turn of events, it has been revealed that a man who posed decades ago for a photograph is still stood there now in 2020, having never gone home.

Curious passers by have been feeding him and he has become something of a local tourist attraction, with people posing for photographs with him.

Jeff Dalton explained his extraordinary life when we approached him for an interview.

"I posed for this goddam photograph and it was like a voice in my head said 'stay there. Don't go home." So I did.

"Of course, my wife left me and the five kids... Well they grew to hate me. But... Well, when you make a decision sometimes, you just gotta stick to it."

"I never did nothing and I never went nowhere. I was a nobody. Until I did this!"

Such a life choice brings with it a particular set of hardships, however. And Jeff was not shy in adressing them.

"The rain is the worst part and, for the first few years my arm got tired holding the flag up. It was agony sometimes. But you soon grow extra muscles and I can sleep holding this damn thing up now."

"Going to the John is another thing. I usually wait until nightfall before doing my business. And luckily my friends leave me bathroom paper and all that kinda stuff."

This is actually the 178th flag that Jeff is holding as people keep stealing them for souvenirs, while other admirers replace the flag for him regularly.

"You get to see the good and bad sides of human nature when you do something f***ing idiotic like this" mused Jeff. "There's the ones who feed me and the ones who p*** up my leg. So it's.... It's an education."

Asked if he will ever abandon his strange, self-appointed task, Jeff has a succinct reply.

"It's some people's job in life to be lawyer's - or accountants. Some get to be goddarned Hollywood Stars. It's my job to hold this damned thing up. Way I see it there's a reason for everything. We don't always find out why. We just gotta do it."

Talking of Hollywood, Jeff's story has now caught the ears of NETFLIX, who are planning to make a film, or limited series of his extraordinary life.

Relatives of Mister Dalton could not be reached for comment.
 
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Doctor Omega

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"I Am Count St. Germain Claims Successful Businessman"

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A successful businessman in Toronto has claimed that the is the legendary immortal Count St. Germain.

Alistaire Rudolph, officially 37 (although claiming that he walked the Earth "When the sun was still new") made the extraordinary claim at a power-point presentation where he was supposed to be previewing a new design of vacuum cleaner.


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"It was time" explains Alan, "for the world to hear my full story."





Dayglo-Suction Limited, the company he works for declined to comment.
 
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