Fun The JOKE Thread

Discussion in 'Amusement: General' started by ant-mac, Feb 21, 2017.

  1. ant-mac

    ant-mac Administrator
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    What should you do to Donald when he bends over?

    Pump Trump.

    What do you call Donald when he eats too much?

    Plump Trump.

    What does a dog do to Donald's leg?

    Hump Trump.

    What does a mugger do to Donald in a dark alley?

    Jump Trump.

    What does the concept of Democracy do to Donald?

    Stump Trump.

    What happens to Donald when he bangs his head?

    Lump Trump.

    What happens if Donald forgets to take Viagra?

    Slump Trump.

    What do you do if Donald annoys you?

    Thump Trump.

    What do you call Donald when he does something stupid?

    Chump Trump.

    Who is Donald's true love?

    Trump Trump.

    What do you call Donald if he wins the 2016 election?

    Are you nuts? He’s never going to win! What? He did?! Well, that’s it - we’re all fucked...
     
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  2. ant-mac

    ant-mac Administrator
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    MEMO FROM ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT

    It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

    Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

    The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

    Thank you,
    Accounting

    Attached: Extended Job-Code List

    Code Description

    5316 Useless Meeting
    5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
    5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
    5319 Waiting for Break
    5320 Waiting for Lunch
    5321 Waiting for End of Day
    5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
    5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
    5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
    5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
    5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
    5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
    5481 Buying Snack
    5482 Eating Snack
    5500 Filling Out Timesheet
    5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
    5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
    5503 Scratching Yourself
    5504 Sleeping
    5510 Feeling Bored
    5511 Feeling Horny
    5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
    5601 Complaining About Low Pay
    5602 Complaining About Long Hours
    5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
    5604 Complaining About Boss
    5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
    5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
    5701 Not Actually Present At Job
    5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
    6102 Ordering Out
    6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
    6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
    6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
    6201 Stealing Company Goods
    6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
    6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
    6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
    6205 Hiding from Boss
    6206 Gossip
    6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
    6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
    6211 Updating Resume
    6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
    6213 Out of Office on Interview
    6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
    6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
    6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
    6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
    6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
    6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
    6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
    6602 Complaining
    6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
    6611 Staring Into Space
    6612 Staring At Computer Screen
    6615 Transcendental Meditation
    6969 Beating off in Broom Closet
    7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
    7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
    7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
    7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
    7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
    7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
    7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
    7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
    7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
    7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
    7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
    8000 Recreational Drug Use
    8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
    8002 Liquid Lunch
    8100 Reading e-mail
    8102 Laughing while reading e-mail
     
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  3. ant-mac

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    INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS

    Mouse balls are now available as FRU - Field Replacement Unit. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

    Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

    Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

    Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

    Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
     
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  4. ant-mac

    ant-mac Administrator
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    Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort during the in-flight safety lecture and during their other announcements to make them a bit more entertaining. Here is an example that has reported:

    "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
     
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  5. ant-mac

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    Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
     
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  6. ant-mac

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    After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
     
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  7. ant-mac

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    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice was heard over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!!!"
     
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  8. ant-mac

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    From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard this Southwest Flight. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
     
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  9. ant-mac

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    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
     
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  10. ant-mac

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    Southwest Airlines flight attendant: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
     
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  11. ant-mac

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    At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

    So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

    So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."
     
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  12. ant-mac

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    And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
     
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  13. ant-mac

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    A flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us over to the terminal."
     
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  14. ant-mac

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    Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault... it was the asphalt!"
     
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  15. ant-mac

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    On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

    When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you idiot!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

    Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you!"

    The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
     
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  16. ant-mac

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    Flight attendant: "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. And the last one off the plane must clean it."
     
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  17. ant-mac

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    At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

    Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay on board.

    With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
     
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  18. ant-mac

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    After one particular landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
     
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  19. ant-mac

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    RULES OF THE AIRWAYS

    Take-offs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

    Flying is not dangerous - crashing is dangerous.

    Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

    The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

    Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!

    Everyone knows a good landing is one from which you can walk away. But a great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.

    The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

    Was that a landing or were we shot down?

    Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

    Trust your captain... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

    Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

    Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

    A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying and about flying when he's with a woman.

    Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your take-offs.

    There are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots!

    Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

    Gravity sucks!
     
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  20. ant-mac

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    10 Things You Probably Shouldn’t Do On An Airliner:


    Pinch the stewardess on the butt as she passes.

    Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.

    Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!"

    Give someone a coin, saying, "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't."

    Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.

    When there is a stewardess nearby, yell to someone, "Is it time to hijack the plane yet?”

    With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say, "Never mind. Do you have any towels?"

    To the person next to you, say, "It's amazing that they didn't notice the grenade in my luggage.”

    Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.

    Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling, "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!"
     
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