Fun The Joke Thread

[ant-mac]

TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED...

01. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 08:00!"

02. You can take advantage of the computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

03. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

04. To stop those creepy guys in marketing from looking down your blouse.

05. You want to see if it's like the dream.

06. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add Exotic Dancer to your exaggerated resume.

07. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

08. It diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

09. It gives a bad hair day a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

 

[ant-mac]

TEN SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING A CYBER AFFAIR...

10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.

09. After signing off, she always has a cigarette.

08. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

07. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

06. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.

05. Every day, Bill Gates sends ten million dollars worth of flowers.

04. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.

03. During sex she screams, "A colon backslash enter insert!"

02. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's arse.

01. Lipstick on the mouse.

 

[ant-mac]

10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN FAVOUR HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN…

10 - You can trade in an old 44 for a new 22, no questions asked.

09 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

08 - If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

07 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a back up.

06 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

05 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

04 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

03 - A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

02 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

01 - You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

 

[ant-mac]

THINGS TO PONDER…

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Is there another word for synonym?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE THINGS TO PONDER…

I went into a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

 

[ant-mac]

MORE THINGS TO PONDER…

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

 

[ant-mac]

MORE THINGS TO PONDER…

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

 

[ant-mac]

MORE THINGS TO PONDER…

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

 

[ant-mac]

MORE THINGS TO PONDER…

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

 

[ant-mac]

MORE THINGS TO PONDER…

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

There’s one nice thing about egotists… They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE THINGS TO PONDER…

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ugly bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

[ant-mac]

MORE THINGS TO PONDER…

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Do paediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

[ant-mac]

WAYS TO HAVE FUN AT THE SUPERMARKET:

As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow! Magic!"

Put M&M's on layaway.

Move the Caution - Wet Floor signs to carpeted areas.

Set up a tent in the camping department and tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows.

Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

 

[ant-mac]

WAYS TO HAVE FUN AT THE SUPERMARKET:

Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!" See if they play along.

Walking through the clothing department, ask yourself in a loud voice, "Who buys this junk, anyway?"

Repeat number 14 in the jewellery department.

Ride a display bicycle through the store and claim you're taking it for a test drive.

Follow people through the aisles, staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

 

[ant-mac]

WAYS TO HAVE FUN AT THE SUPERMARKET:

Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

When there are people behind you, walk really slow, especially thin narrow aisles.

Tell an employee in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in House-wares," and see what happens.

Tune all the radios to a polka station and then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.

Play with the automatic doors.

 

[ant-mac]

WAYS TO HAVE FUN AT THE SUPERMARKET:

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

Start playing Calvinball and see how many people you can get to join in.

Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

 

[ant-mac]

WAYS TO HAVE FUN AT THE SUPERMARKET:

Re-alphabetize the CD's in Electronics.

When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

During announcements over the PA, assume the foetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.

If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink and explain that you don't get out much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

 

[ant-mac]

WAYS TO HAVE FUN AT THE SUPERMARKET:

Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

Set up a valet parking sign in front of the store.

Two words: Marco Polo.

Leave Cheerios in Lawn & Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etcetera.

 

[ant-mac]

WAYS TO HAVE FUN AT THE SUPERMARKET:

Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “I'm Batman. Come, Robin - to the Batcave!"

Toilet paper as much of the store as possible.

Randomly throw things over into neighbouring aisles.

Play with the calculators so that they all spell, “hello," upside down.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red rover!"

 

[ant-mac]

WAYS TO HAVE FUN AT THE SUPERMARKET:

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with GI Joes versus the X-Men.

Take bets on the battle described above.

Nonchalantly test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

Hold indoor shopping cart races.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE.

Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.