Fun The Joke Thread

[ant-mac]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING…

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

FAULT: You are dancing on the table.

ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.

FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

FAULT: You have been in a fight.

ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.

FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.

ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.

FAULT: The beer is too weak.

ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.

FAULT: Beer is just right.

ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

 

[Gavin]

Swallowing Coins...

First child: When your first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand X-rays.

Second child: When your second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

Third child: When your third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

As a parent of three kids every one of these is completely true.

 

[ant-mac]

10 THINGS TO DO IN THE BATHROOM STALL...

Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that colour before."

Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"

Say, "Darn, this water is cold."

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

Say, "Now how did that get there?"

Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

 

[ant-mac]

10 MORE THINGS TO DO IN THE BATHROOM STALL...

Say, "Interesting... more sinkers than floaters.

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

Say, "C'mon Mister Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"

Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing BORN FREE.

When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say, "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

 

[ant-mac]

RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF

01. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

02. Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole.

03. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

04. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

05. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

06. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!

07. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

08. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

09. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a golf course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.

 

[ant-mac]

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?"

The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

 

[ant-mac]

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says, "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says, "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies, "What?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

 

[ant-mac]

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?

A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

 

[ant-mac]

A blind man was describing his favourite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

 

[ant-mac]

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favour to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

 

[ant-mac]

THINGS TO DO AT A BORING PARTY…

Speak in a strange foreign accent. When someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.

Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.

When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings - make sure to use your hands!

Ask the host, "Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?"

Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!

Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.

Cough all over guests, then exclaim, "Doctor says a few more years and I'll be cured..."

Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.

Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech. Singing a lullaby works okay, too.

If there is music, mix up your dancing - break dance to classical music, symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.

Tell a middle-aged wife, "Your husband seems very happy with that girl in the closet..." Then tell her middle aged husband, "Your wife seems very happy with that boy in the closet..."

 

[ant-mac]

MORE THINGS TO DO AT A BORING PARTY…

Whisper to the guest on your right, "What kind of lame moron actually goes to these parties, anyway?"

Bring Lego warships and fighter jets. Wage a war in the middle of the room. Urge other guests to get involved. If you are a historical expert, re-enact the revolutionary war, the civil war, world war two and so on and so forth.

Bring a soccer ball, basketball, football or baseball. Start a game... in the kitchen.

Karate chop everywhere and everything. Yell really, really loud. A few sudden kicks would be worthwhile as well.

Wear wool or feathers and sneeze all night. "The doctor says I'm not allergic to anything except sheep and birds..."

If someone says the word no to you, say, "How dare you turn down the prince of Ugranialo!"

Burst into the room an hour late, sopping wet and screaming, "I've done it! I've found Atlantis!"

Pick out the oldest women at the party, run up to her and exclaim, "Grandmother! It's me, Anastasia!"

If it is a summer party in the evening, break into a duet with another guest: SUMMER NIGHTS. Persuade the host to sing YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I WANT with you.

If you find your former dancing partner dancing with someone else, burst into tears, wailing, "I thought you loved me!" and run from the room.

Come in saying, the guy outside in the lab coat is looking for the host.

 

[ant-mac]

BUMPER STICKERS

My karma ran over your dogma.

I brake for... wait... Argh! No brakes!

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

I'm not driving fast - just flying low.

Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.

My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

"I is a college student."

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Gravity - It's not just a good idea, it's the law!

 

[ant-mac]

MORE BUMPER STICKERS

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Life is too complicated in the morning.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it and higher pay for not getting it done.

The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography.

Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.

My wife said, "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you." I'm sure going to miss her.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Today's subliminal message is: ( )

I love animals, they taste great.

Earth first! We'll strip mine the other planets later.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE BUMPER STICKERS

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Your kid may be an honour student, but you're still an idiot!

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE BUMPER STICKERS

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Horn does not work - watch for finger!

Don't blame me! I didn't vote!

Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with ‘em!

If you can read this, your parents will be home in two minutes.

Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

My kid beat up your honour student!

 

[ant-mac]

MORE BUMPER STICKERS

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck out!

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Forget about world peace - visualize using your turn signal.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

 

[ant-mac]

THINGS TO DO ON A LONG BUS RIDE…

Come onto the bus with a beanie on, sit down and put your walkman headphone buds up your nose. When the person sitting beside you looks at you like you are from Mars, say, "Mishap during an operation, Doctors just aren't the same these days."

When sitting down in your seat, pull out a small collection of vomit bags, look through them and ask the person beside you, "If I run out do you have any paper or plastic bags? I'm not picky, either would be fine...”

Make racing car noises constantly, occasionally announcing your progress along the race track in an announcer’s voice. When anyone comes up to you and asks what the fuck you are doing, look at them funny and ask how they got in your Nascar.

Eat nothing but gas inducing foods the entire trip, not hesitating to share the wealth with everyone on board. Recommended foods are burritos, chilli, eggs…

Repeat the last one and make a cup with your hand, fart in it and slipping it directly into the face the bus driver.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE THINGS TO DO ON A LONG BUS RIDE…

Sit at the back of the bus, turning off all the lights around you and keeping the blinds down, keep a black briefcase on your lap at all times, wear a black trench coat and a black hat, look really nervous, don’t talk to anybody and keep glancing at your watch.

Walk up and down the aisle, claiming out loud that you are Jesus and blessing everyone with a half-eaten leg of chicken.

When in the bathroom, wait for the bus to hit a huge pothole or bump, then scream for help, claiming that you are now shitting on your head.

When the bus is driving all alone on a long stretch of highway, preferably completely devoid of life of any sort, suddenly jump up and start running up and down the aisle, flailing your arms and screaming as loud and you can...

Then after 30 seconds or so, sit down at your seat and act like nothing happened.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE THINGS TO DO ON A LONG BUS RIDE…

Use the bathroom often, for disturbingly long periods of time. Make lots of grunting and straining noises, loud enough for everyone to hear. Occasionally drop an orange into the bowl from a good height.

When someone is in the toilet, bang on the door and yell at them to get out as quickly as possible. Then just as they open the door, put a strained look on your face and say, “Never mind...” and then drive the point home by farting.

Play musical chairs, using your 200 watt boom box.

Two words: Water Pistol.

Two more words: Paper Airplanes.