Fun The Joke Thread

[ant-mac]

MORE THINGS TO DO ON A LONG BUS RIDE…

When the bus stops for a food break, instead of following the other passengers to a restaurant, sit outside in front of the big picture window on the ground with a struggling burlap sack. Open the sack and remove some small, live animal and eat it like a feral dog would, in the view of everyone else. Make lots of growling noises, snarl and snap at people who get too close.

Purchase a megaphone - enough said.

At night when everyone is sleepy and unsuspecting, suddenly start barking as loud as possible, feel free to use the megaphone.

Play with knives, just like Bishop on ALIENS!

Clean a .357 Magnum - and if that doesn't get people’s attention, cleaning the rest of your on board hand collection will.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE THINGS TO DO ON A LONG BUS RIDE…

Incessantly complain that it is way too cold in the bus, no matter what the temperature is, keep doing it until the bus driver turns the heat up to full blast just to shut you up, then wait a few minutes for it to get really hot and start to complain about it.

Every time the bus wobbles from the wind caused by passing transports, jump up and scream, “We’re all gonna die!”

Eat nothing but really noisy foods, such as bags of chips, nachos, tacos and individually wrapped candies. Unwrap them as loudly as possible. Also eat them noisily, chewing with your mouth open and making the loudest possible slopping noises.

Get on the bus first, pick the seat right behind the bus driver, as everyone gets on, greet each one of them with a hug and a kiss.

Engage in some hot, wild sex at the back of the bus with one or more passengers.

 

[ant-mac]

TOP TEN REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN

10. Only country to successfully invade the USA and burn its capital to the ground.

09. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.

08. Kill Grizzly bears with huge frigging shotguns and cover your house in their skins.

07. Only country to successfully invade the USA and burn its capital to the ground.

06. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and their popularity ratings will rise.

05. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

04. Only country to successfully invade the USA and burn its capital to the ground.

03. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

02. Only country to successfully invade the USA and burn its capital to the ground.

01. It beats being an American.

 

[ant-mac]

A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!"

 

[ant-mac]

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.

"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."

 

[ant-mac]

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.

The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."

The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."

 

[ant-mac]

Q: What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?

A: The taste.

 

[ant-mac]

The difference between a New Yorker seeing his car being vandalized and a Canadian seeing his car being vandalized is:

The New Yorker will yell, "Eh! Wot you think your doing?!"

The Canadian will yell, "Wot you think your doing?! Eh!"

 

[ant-mac]

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself.

He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What colour do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact colour to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this colour sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this colour. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this coloru."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that colour! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

 

[ant-mac]

Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

 

[ant-mac]

I went to a couple of car dealerships last week and the first one I stopped at was Kia, well nothing caught my eye, but the price was right. Then I went to a Ford dealer, again nothing really caught my eye, but I looked anyway. Then I go to the Chevy dealer and I see one that I like. The dealer does the once over with me, then he pops the trunk.

Disappointed, I looked at the dealer and said, "Well, there's something missing."

The dealer ,puzzled asks, "What?"

I said, "At the Ford dealership I checked out, they had a new pair of shoes in the trunk of every car!"

Smiling the dealer says, "That's so they can walk home!"

 

[ant-mac]

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in the film TWISTER. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

 

[ant-mac]

Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

 

[ant-mac]

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

 

[ant-mac]

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

So Murphy says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three tree's.

The boss says, "What the hell's that?"

Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine."

"Fair enough," says the boss.

Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and says, " How on earth do you get that to represent 99.

Murphy says, " Each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dat's 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "Alright, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "There ya go sir, 100."

The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and says, "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?

 

[ant-mac]

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything - that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

 

[chainsaw_metal1]

My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!

I have a keychain that says "My other vehicle is a TARDIS. But I would love that bumper sticker.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Did you hear he put his battery in backwards the other day? He just kept cumming, and cumming...

 

[ant-mac]

THINGS YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WITHOUT FILMS

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

It’s always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

The hero is always entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request that will allow him to turn the tables on the villain.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE THINGS YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WITHOUT FILMS

No one involved in an alien invasion, car chase, explosion, hijacking or volcanic eruption will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

 

[ant-mac]

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking Goofy!"