Fun The Joke Thread

[ant-mac]

MORE STUFF TO DO IN A COURTROOM...

Call the judge a wuss when he issues the death penalty. When he accuses you of contempt of the court, look puzzled and ask him what it means. When he answers, object.

Dress up like Santa Claus

Drink all of your lawyer's water, then ask for more. Then ask to go to the bathroom.

Hiccup every time somebody says the word "the".

Change your plea every five minutes.

If you're the judge, call the defendant the plaintiff, the plaintiff a lawyer, the witness a juror, and the jurors defendants. Call the lawyers Barney.

Gurgle into the microphone.

Complain aloud about that nasty wedgie you have, then take a poll of others in the audience if they too have a nasty wedgie.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE STUFF TO DO IN A COURTROOM...

If in traffic court, when asked to stand, walk over to the judge and issue him a parking ticket on his desk.

When asked to produce evidence, pick your nose, smear the snot on the table, point to it and say, "From this it is obvious, I am not guilty!"

Wear those X-Ray vision glasses from Halloween, when someone walks past, stare them up and down then shake head in dismay.

Popcorn and a large Coke, if anyone asks about it, show them your ticket and say, "I'm a paying customer!"

Fart, pause momentarily and comment under your breath, "I've done better..."

Fart again later on, take a deep breath and state enthusiastically, "Now that's more like it!"

Bring a Lego replica of the courtroom, including Lego people and imitate everything happening, including voices!

When pronounced guilty, reply, "How about we try that again, this time Paper, Rock, Scissors - best of three!"

 

[ant-mac]

What if Physicists wrote product disclaimers instead of lawyers?

PHYSICIST DISCLAIMERS

ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.

WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.

WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the uncertainty principle, it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE PHYSICIST DISCLAIMERS

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.

NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.

ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that, through a process known as "tunnelling", this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbour's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconveniences that may result.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE PHYSICIST DISCLAIMERS

CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional. However, the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are rolled up into such a small area that they cannot be detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE PHYSICIST DISCLAIMERS

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles - electrons, protons and so forth - comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.

 

[High Plains Drifter]

A blind guy walks into a bar.
And then a table.
Then a chair.

Does a blind man walk his dog, or is it the other way around?

A blind man walks into a store with his guide dog. Suddenly he starts spinning the dog in the air from its leash like a lasso. The store clerk runs frantically to the man and asks him "What the hell are you doing?". "I'm just looking around." the blind man answers

 

[ant-mac]

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

 

[ant-mac]

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

 

[ant-mac]

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

 

[ant-mac]

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

 

[ant-mac]

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mister Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mister Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air. I work for 7-UP."

 

[ant-mac]

A mother and her daughter were at the gynaecologist’s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"

"No, mummy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.

He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

 

[ant-mac]

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Missus Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night.”

 

[ant-mac]

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

 

[ant-mac]

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

 

[ant-mac]

Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself. Suddenly, he screams, "Argh! A rattler bit my cock!"

"Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do.

"Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison."

"Is that the only way, Doc?" asked the man.

"Yes, you must do that or he'll die."

He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what did the doctor say?"

"You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."

 

[ant-mac]

WAYS TO HAVE FUN IN A DORMITORY SHOWER...

Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of those!"

Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure your clothes get all wet and soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed.

Ask Scotty to beam you up.

Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luther's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head and proceed to take your shower.

Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim, "Ow! You know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the fake blood or ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE WAYS TO HAVE FUN IN A DORMITORY SHOWER...

Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall return it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.

Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.

Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.

Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap. Bury the soap under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people using toilet balls.

Bring scuba gear into the shower with you.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE WAYS TO HAVE FUN IN A DORMITORY SHOWER...

Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting, "Redrum! Redrum!" in your best groggy voice.

Bring a Yoo-Hoo chocolate milk drink to the shower with you. Complain about a stomach ache, then moan, "Oh… Um, uh-oh," and squirt the Yoo-Hoo down the drain for all to see.

Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from GHOSTBUSTERS. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.

Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it and fall to the ground as if shot.

Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage ditch, complaining angrily about the quality of water these days.