Fun The JOKE Thread

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by ant-mac, Feb 21, 2017.

  1. chainsaw_metal1

    chainsaw_metal1 Member: Rank 8

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2017
    Messages:
    2,788
    Likes Received:
    1,949
    A gentleman was walking down the street when he come upon four young girls, all in their finest dresses. He went up to the first girl and asked, "So what's your name, sweetie?"
    "Rose", replied the girl.
    "That's a pretty name, why did your parents name you that?"
    "Because when I was born, a rose petal fell on my forehead."
    He smiled and asked the second girl her name.
    "Violet, sir. When I was born, a violet petal fell on my forehead."
    He went to the third girl, again inquiring her name.
    "Daisy. When I was born, a Daisy petal fell on my forehead."
    He finally asked the last little girl, who only grunted and moaned. Finally, her sister stepped in and replied, "I'm sorry, sir. Her name is Cinder Block."
     
    • Like Like x 1
  2. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter The Drifter
    VIP

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2017
    Messages:
    1,170
    Likes Received:
    801
    A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

    Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

    The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
    The little boy says, "Dark in here."

    The man says, "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a baseball."
    Man - "That's nice."
    Boy - "Want to buy it?"
    Man - "No, thanks."
    Boy - "My dad's outside."
    Man - "OK, how much?"
    Boy - "$150"
    Man - "Sold."

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

    Boy - "Dark in here."
    Man - "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
    Boy - "$350"
    Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

    The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
    The boy says, "$500"
    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
    I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

    The boy says, "Dark in here."
    The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Love it! Love it! x 1
  3. duzit

    duzit Member: Rank 7

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2017
    Messages:
    2,012
    Likes Received:
    833
    [​IMG]
     
    • Love it! Love it! x 2
  4. duzit

    duzit Member: Rank 7

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2017
    Messages:
    2,012
    Likes Received:
    833
    Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

    "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

    "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

    With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

    The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  5. duzit

    duzit Member: Rank 7

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2017
    Messages:
    2,012
    Likes Received:
    833
    @ant-mac

    What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

    A stick.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  6. ant-mac

    ant-mac Administrator
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2017
    Messages:
    6,558
    Likes Received:
    2,975
    They're all sticks when I use them.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  7. duzit

    duzit Member: Rank 7

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2017
    Messages:
    2,012
    Likes Received:
    833
    At a motivational seminar 3 men are asked to come up to the stage. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......
    LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
     
    • Love it! Love it! x 2
  8. duzit

    duzit Member: Rank 7

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2017
    Messages:
    2,012
    Likes Received:
    833
    What do you get when an earthquake strikes a cow pasture?

    A milkshake.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  9. duzit

    duzit Member: Rank 7

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2017
    Messages:
    2,012
    Likes Received:
    833
    [​IMG]
     
    • Love it! Love it! x 2
  10. ant-mac

    ant-mac Administrator
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2017
    Messages:
    6,558
    Likes Received:
    2,975
    Are you sure it's not an allergy? :emoji_confused:

    I break out like that all the time...
     
    • Like Like x 1
  11. duzit

    duzit Member: Rank 7

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2017
    Messages:
    2,012
    Likes Received:
    833
    Why is it that birds fly southwards for the winter?

    Because it is much too far to walk.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  12. ant-mac

    ant-mac Administrator
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2017
    Messages:
    6,558
    Likes Received:
    2,975
    No they don't!

    They fly north... :emoji_wink:
     
    • Like Like x 1
  13. chainsaw_metal1

    chainsaw_metal1 Member: Rank 8

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2017
    Messages:
    2,788
    Likes Received:
    1,949
    During World War II, a sergeant stationed at Fort Benning gets a telephone call from a woman.

    "We would love it," she said, "if you could bring five of your soldiers over to our house for Thanksgiving dinner."
    "Certainly, ma'am," replied the sergeant.
    "Oh... just make sure they aren't Jews, of course," said the woman.
    "Will do," replied the sergeant. So, that Thanksgiving, while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five black soldiers are standing in front of her.
    "Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake!"
    "No ma'am," said one of the soldiers. "Sergeant Rosenbloom never makes mistakes!"
     
    • Love it! Love it! x 1
  14. chainsaw_metal1

    chainsaw_metal1 Member: Rank 8

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2017
    Messages:
    2,788
    Likes Received:
    1,949
    A rabbi and a Catholic priest are having lunch in a restaurant. The priest's food arrives, a scrumptious-looking ham entrée.

    The priest attacks his lunch, savouring every bite of the ham. Noticing the rabbi eyeing him, he asks, "So tell me, Rabbi Goldblum, have you ever had any pork before?"
    The rabbi hesitates. "Well, it's not for me to say..."
    The priest pushes on. "Oh, c'mon, Rabbi. We're both men of God here. We can tell each other our sins. Nothing to it."
    "Umm... well, yes, as a matter of fact, I did have pork once."
    Smugly the priest teases him, "And a fine meat it was, wasn't it? Heheh."
    "Yeah, I'll say."
    A few moments pass. The rabbi asks the priest: "Tell me Father, have you ever had sex with a woman before?"
    "Why of course... well, before I took holy orders, that is."
    The rabbi smirks, "Better than pork, eh?"
     
    • Like Like x 1
  15. chainsaw_metal1

    chainsaw_metal1 Member: Rank 8

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2017
    Messages:
    2,788
    Likes Received:
    1,949
    A Catholic priest is called away by a family emergency one day, while on duty attending confession. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he asks his friend, a rabbi from the synagogue across the street, if he can fill in for him.

    The rabbi says he wouldn't know what to do, so the priest agrees to stay with him for a few minutes and show him the ropes.
    They enter their half of the confessional together and soon enough, a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
    "What did you do?" asks the priest.
    "I have committed adultery," she replies.
    "How many times?" continues the priest.
    "Three times."
    "Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more," finishes the priest.
    The woman leaves and not long after a man enters and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
    "What did you do?"
    "I have committed adultery."
    "How many times?"
    "Three times."
    "Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more." The man leaves.
    The rabbi tells the priest he thinks he's got it figured out now, so the priest leaves, and the rabbi waits until another woman enters the confessional, who says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
    "What did you do," asks the rabbi.
    "I have committed adultery," she replies.
    "How many times?"
    "Twice."
    "I tell you what," says the rabbi. "Go do it one more time and come back. We got a special this week, three for $5!"
     
    • Like Like x 1
  16. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter The Drifter
    VIP

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2017
    Messages:
    1,170
    Likes Received:
    801
    A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp
    h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
    The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
    ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

    "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  17. ant-mac

    ant-mac Administrator
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2017
    Messages:
    6,558
    Likes Received:
    2,975
    PHOTOGRAPH - Lesbian Neighbours.jpg
     
    • Love it! Love it! x 1
  18. chainsaw_metal1

    chainsaw_metal1 Member: Rank 8

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2017
    Messages:
    2,788
    Likes Received:
    1,949
    How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    One. They're extraordinarily efficient, and they don't understand comedy.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  19. chainsaw_metal1

    chainsaw_metal1 Member: Rank 8

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2017
    Messages:
    2,788
    Likes Received:
    1,949
    How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

    "Change?"

    How many mezzo sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

    4. One to climb the ladder, and three to stand there and say "That's much too high for her".

    (You may need to be a music nerd to get that one)

    How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    2. One to fill the bathtub with clocks, and one to get the elephants.

    How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

    One. But the light bulb really has to want to change.

    How many house flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Just two. But getting them in the light bulb is a pain in the ass.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  20. ant-mac

    ant-mac Administrator
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2017
    Messages:
    6,558
    Likes Received:
    2,975
    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services.

    Hunter: My friend is dead! What can I do?

    Operator: Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    Hunter: Okay, now what?
     
    • Like Like x 1

Share This Page